Three Hours

It's only just now the 9 O'clock hour. Nine after Nine am, when I begin this and today is already stressed. I felt completely nauseated today on the bus, and No, I have no idea Why.

There was another 'Fake Out' incident on my bus today, not as bad as yesterdays, but it still got to me. I mean all of the kids seemed a bit down, I suppose. And when you add that, with the effects of the 'Fake Out'.. which by the way in appearance looks a hell of allot like someone who's been shock for a good while after taking on an attack to the heart, may it be by a biological or a sort of more tangible attack by an outside force. My driver noticed my reaction, not as bad as yesterday, but she could tell it shook me up a bit. We talked about what I already know - You have to stay involved enough to care for the children, but stay detached enough to where these things can roll off your shoulders - And I know that, and I have always been capable of that. Guess it just brought back some images to my mind. Ones that I don't ever want to lose, or block out. Just ones that I only want to relive when I'm alone with my note book or when I can take them head on and deal with them in a human way, but also in a more controlled enviorment. *sighs* I'll be ok, I can handle my job, I was already feeling weak today, and with my luck? With the odds I keep? Yeah all things considered I admit it kind of 'iced' the cake, one more straw for the camel's back - It effected me, but only a bit, I was over it at once, at least where the kid is concerned.

The drive home on the other hand - Take on the Waves.. I just take on the waves as they come. What else can I do? I mean I'm getting out more, I'm breathing a bit. Still this week just proves what I already knew, may it be 2 months after or 20 years after - as I have been told by those who have experienced in some way or another what I have, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the waves as they come.

And again, I've been weak. My energy is at the lowest it's probably ever been in my life. Even the days that I feel stronger are nothing compared to where I have been before. And I find my self sleeping all the time. Like yesterday day I slept almost my entire mid day, and then from like 6:00 pm to about 10:00 pm and back to bed again at 2:00 am and then back up at 5:30 am, with a few breaks in between. I've probably slept a total of about 12 hours since my alarm went off in the morning on the 18th. Give or take the 5 to 15 minutes I didn't include above. And it's a very deep sleep. Then there is also eating, I find myself hungry and shaky, but I don't have any specific cravings to direct me, and my palate seems to have narrowed so I no longer eat until I'm full, but rather until my tastes give up and say no more, this isn't good. And don't get me wrong, I take my vitamins and when I do eat, I make sure I eat smart. I think I'll go ahead and try that Marharic Seal as soon as my energy allows me to stay awake for enough of a half hour to give it a try, maybe after I get done here. If it's wrong for me - Something will come through and tell me.

I miss him, every day - just feel it differently from time to time. I have to remind my self there is a reason.. I personally don't want to know the reason, I doubt as long as I'm here on earth I will ever find it... Any reason to be sufficient, so I'll just leave it alone knowing that there is a reason, knowing my self enough to not even bother asking, after all it would be just my luck that the answer would come through for a change. There are plans, carefully charted courses, There are reasons. A door has closed.. now It's a matter of finding which one has been open in turn. Still looking.. It seems like it'll take a while.. better be worth it. - *sighs, again* I miss him.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On...