Bad Days....

This will probably be my last post for a day or two... I think, unless my luck really really turns around for me, but come to think of it, the way my luck runs? What are the odds of that happening....
Well yesterday I started my cycle.... Yeah not exactly what you want to read right? Trust me I'm only sharing that news because it gives me the conformation I wanted... though I didn't want that answer. I wanted to be pregnant, but like with all good things that have almost happened to me - It didn't and so I am not. And God, I really wanted to be, but again I guess it's not meant to be, I guess I meant to do something else... I wonder what.. I'm scared to find out. I really really don't want to end up like everyone thought I would.... I actually want to marry and have kids... I wanted that with Russell, but now I wonder if I'll have it with anyone else.. I mean I will eventually date - but who? When? Will I ever have that kind of energy again? I hate this.. I really hate this.
So lets see what else? I know there is more that has gone wrong. I mean there was some trouble with my bank, so now I'm playing catch up. I guess the hair cut and color will be pushed back... and I can only hope that I will eventually Drink today. I've never been really drunk - I don't think, there is a chance I can handle it better then some, I have woken up with some really bad headaches after a night of friends and family, but not what I would consider a hangover... I think it's about time I raise the glass in a serious nature, woman on a mission.
I'll get through this.. I'm not sure how, but I will.
I think the hardest thing - and here is the Irony, is that I'm going through this alone, and I mean I have friends and family who are here with me, but no love... my love is gone, his death is the reason I'm in this position... Irony..
I admit I'm not about to do anything about it... I don't even know how long it will be before I can even attempt that again. It's not the idea of getting into a relationship again, it's the dating to reach that point. I hope who ever mister-second-meant-to-be is out there when I begin again, I really wont be in any mood to spend a life time looking for him... if he exists.
"Irony and Love blindside us all, but we only recover from one." I think that might be a direct quote from me, myself and I... It's what I was writing when Russell first approached me in May... talk about fore-shadow.
All I know is today better start to turn around. I mean I need some good news... I guess on an up side, I found out I'm actually considered a friend to someone I wasn't really assured on... that gave me a reason to smile. Of course that came before all the really bad news, but that's the black cat style, right?

I need to breathe... I need to get through this... I will get through this.. I'm just not sure how long it will take....
The Waves Almost Drowned Me Today...

Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On...