Long week ahead of me. Many , many waves. I know I have like at least 3 posts full of typos that I need to fix, I'll try to do so later this week. And in hopes; I'll have much to report Monday or Tuesday. Maybe a good weekend to top of an awful week.
whatever tomorrow brings.. spiral out... wave on..
Monday, August 30, 2004
Friday, August 27, 2004
Bring it on!
Yeah, so I didn't go to sleep last night. I'm now running on about 3 hours sleep that I managed to clock in between shifts, and let me tell you; A special needs bus can feel like a Kiddie Rollercoaster brought to you by the makers of Twilight Zone - it's ok, they know me here. Honestly I don't really remember much of it, just allot of talking - stopping - jerky take offs - and all the kids were present and accounted for this morning, same conditions as I recall them from yesterday after noon, So I didn't miss out on much that might be job threatening, also given the fact that my driver was still talking to me this after noon... I think she was. I don't really recall the high school half of my run either. And yeah, I managed all this forgetfulness without the help of Sleeping Aids (which have been taken away from me :[ ) or heavy and or frequent shots of rum. Now tonight on the other hand - "DRINKS ALL AROUND!" - Of course 'All around' might only consits of myself, possibly DJ and I'll leave two open spots, because it's Friday night - I think everyone is cried out, dilusional, depressed or all of the above. - Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner!
So why was I up all night? What did I do between the hours of 5:00 pm yesterday and today's 6:05 am when I clocked in at work? What on God's green earth could cause such a call for such erratic, toxic free behavior? Well it comes down to this; The Grim Reaper.. Yes Death! The man himself has just earned the Businessman of the Year award from yours truly and yours alike! I mean, how dose he do it? Everytime we think we've seen the last of this Bone Daddy for the summer, he jumps out from behind some off hinged door and yells 'Surprise!'
*SIGHS*
I'm sorry.. I know that probably wasn't very much called for, but it's how I feel right now, Angry and when I get this kind of angry, I get that kind of Sarcastic and we already know I'm the 'Dark' Humorist of the group/crew - So deal. Don't like it? Then comment and say so. Still I am sorry and I'm trying hard not to offend anyone, but I'm so drained that I don't have the energy to try harder. Maybe tomorrow, but for now - Not so good.
Anyways (yes the rant continues; seat belts fastened?) I get home from a long day at work, by the way it was one of those everything is on my last nerve kind of days. 'Cause it's a bitter-sweet symphony, That's life, trying to make ends meet, your a slave to the money, then you die' Kind of days. And I get home and check the e-mails and check the 'Journal' sites kept up by people who are probably far more interesting then me. And I come across a 'one liner' by J.S./alpha pirate, and it's vague.. I can tell he's having a bad day, but it's been a hell of a month so, who's to say. I put it to mind and figure I'll think about it off and on for the rest of the day, then I call Jonesy, Leave a message. She calls back almost at once. We talk briefly; the previous remark.. I take a deep breath finally talk myself into stepping away from the background wall and an IM line or two later, I'm on my way to meet JS for coffee and conversations. This last 2 hours I think. A little about this, a little about that, all and all a pretty constant flow of conversations... which unless you are Jonesy or at one point Russell, lets face it, I'm usually to cut an dry to carry on a conversation past a few lines that isn't a matter of debate. I come home, I see Jonesy sitting with my mother, like three kittens in or about her lap, and I only really get to see her for about 15 or 20 minutes, but of course I cherish it now as I did in the moment. We talk mildly about what happened, we talk about where she came from, where I just got back from and yes, laughing and teasing stands as the result. And I doubt she and I have ever spent a single moment in matters of death where a macabre joke or two isn't made, old traditions with her and I. Only way we can really express our emotions when we are around each other is through making jest and pointing out the ironies and all in a way that would offend most Normal people. It's how we laugh and cry, it's how we always have, and I'll be damned if it'll change now. I walk her out to her car, more last minute poking fun at my expenses. It's all positive of course, all the trouble I'm always in for. Then I call up DJ, my mother said he had called and communication being such a highly practiced form of art for my friends and family, of course the short time on the phone between the both of them had to leave some question marks. So I call him, I was supposed to earlier anyways, but some things, the things that I did instead, in my book are things that needed doing. And after hanging up with him, finding myself wide awake and two shots of rum - no nearly enough to effect me, it never was the rum that did me in, it was always the accomplice - walking back and forth trying to decide if I should call him back, or someone else or what. The phone rings, a 'Ello and Good Bye later and I'm out the door like a bat out of hell to meet DJ for late dinner at Dennys.. needless to say neither of us were entirely hungry. We spend the rest of the night at his place talking, listening to music... talking, talking and more talking. We both had a great deal on our minds. I tend to attract others with the same Roller Coaster life styles. Or Waves if you prefer, come to think of it I do. I get back home roughly about 5:00 am, hit the shower and choke down some breakfast while reading over the comments made yesterday on my sight... No worries Jeremiah, I'm totally fluent in drunken linguistic texts, And even though I'm sure I could have said it better my self, it would not have hold the same feel, so right on!
YEAH... SO.. that was MY day, feel free anyone and everyone to comment about it or even better about yours. I am actually very curious to see how many people actually subject them selves to this stuff. I mean it's ok, they do know me here, but If I'm not alone outside my world, then my gawd, speak up and say so.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out.... Wave On...
So why was I up all night? What did I do between the hours of 5:00 pm yesterday and today's 6:05 am when I clocked in at work? What on God's green earth could cause such a call for such erratic, toxic free behavior? Well it comes down to this; The Grim Reaper.. Yes Death! The man himself has just earned the Businessman of the Year award from yours truly and yours alike! I mean, how dose he do it? Everytime we think we've seen the last of this Bone Daddy for the summer, he jumps out from behind some off hinged door and yells 'Surprise!'
*SIGHS*
I'm sorry.. I know that probably wasn't very much called for, but it's how I feel right now, Angry and when I get this kind of angry, I get that kind of Sarcastic and we already know I'm the 'Dark' Humorist of the group/crew - So deal. Don't like it? Then comment and say so. Still I am sorry and I'm trying hard not to offend anyone, but I'm so drained that I don't have the energy to try harder. Maybe tomorrow, but for now - Not so good.
Anyways (yes the rant continues; seat belts fastened?) I get home from a long day at work, by the way it was one of those everything is on my last nerve kind of days. 'Cause it's a bitter-sweet symphony, That's life, trying to make ends meet, your a slave to the money, then you die' Kind of days. And I get home and check the e-mails and check the 'Journal' sites kept up by people who are probably far more interesting then me. And I come across a 'one liner' by J.S./alpha pirate, and it's vague.. I can tell he's having a bad day, but it's been a hell of a month so, who's to say. I put it to mind and figure I'll think about it off and on for the rest of the day, then I call Jonesy, Leave a message. She calls back almost at once. We talk briefly; the previous remark.. I take a deep breath finally talk myself into stepping away from the background wall and an IM line or two later, I'm on my way to meet JS for coffee and conversations. This last 2 hours I think. A little about this, a little about that, all and all a pretty constant flow of conversations... which unless you are Jonesy or at one point Russell, lets face it, I'm usually to cut an dry to carry on a conversation past a few lines that isn't a matter of debate. I come home, I see Jonesy sitting with my mother, like three kittens in or about her lap, and I only really get to see her for about 15 or 20 minutes, but of course I cherish it now as I did in the moment. We talk mildly about what happened, we talk about where she came from, where I just got back from and yes, laughing and teasing stands as the result. And I doubt she and I have ever spent a single moment in matters of death where a macabre joke or two isn't made, old traditions with her and I. Only way we can really express our emotions when we are around each other is through making jest and pointing out the ironies and all in a way that would offend most Normal people. It's how we laugh and cry, it's how we always have, and I'll be damned if it'll change now. I walk her out to her car, more last minute poking fun at my expenses. It's all positive of course, all the trouble I'm always in for. Then I call up DJ, my mother said he had called and communication being such a highly practiced form of art for my friends and family, of course the short time on the phone between the both of them had to leave some question marks. So I call him, I was supposed to earlier anyways, but some things, the things that I did instead, in my book are things that needed doing. And after hanging up with him, finding myself wide awake and two shots of rum - no nearly enough to effect me, it never was the rum that did me in, it was always the accomplice - walking back and forth trying to decide if I should call him back, or someone else or what. The phone rings, a 'Ello and Good Bye later and I'm out the door like a bat out of hell to meet DJ for late dinner at Dennys.. needless to say neither of us were entirely hungry. We spend the rest of the night at his place talking, listening to music... talking, talking and more talking. We both had a great deal on our minds. I tend to attract others with the same Roller Coaster life styles. Or Waves if you prefer, come to think of it I do. I get back home roughly about 5:00 am, hit the shower and choke down some breakfast while reading over the comments made yesterday on my sight... No worries Jeremiah, I'm totally fluent in drunken linguistic texts, And even though I'm sure I could have said it better my self, it would not have hold the same feel, so right on!
YEAH... SO.. that was MY day, feel free anyone and everyone to comment about it or even better about yours. I am actually very curious to see how many people actually subject them selves to this stuff. I mean it's ok, they do know me here, but If I'm not alone outside my world, then my gawd, speak up and say so.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out.... Wave On...
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Mild Back Fire
First off let me say, from what I've been told/read Lil'John, is doing very well after his surgery. Now this is yesterdays news in sorts, so I don't know, I really need to call Jonesy for more, but as reported everything, well from the perspective I see it, is so very much blessings to be thankful for. And I am, I know they are and for all passing along thoughts and prayers to the family - keep them coming and thank you for every single one.
Aside from that, Back Fire is the name of the game that my Luck just loves to play. My time currently with the Art School maybe placed under a solid hold. Communication is key to coexistence of any kind on this earth, but apparently some of us missed that memo. I'm guessing when they said 'Send in the letter and we'll move on from there', meant that maybe they were waiting on the letter, but judging by my bank account, apparently that wasn't the case. And as well from the looks of things, their policy may have changed a bit, which is fine, but I do feel a headache coming on. Still on the upside of this, the credit percentage returned is much appreciated and needed at this time, so I'll go ahead and write them, ask about what all needs to be done now and later. And in the mean time try and count it as positive back fire, and shame on me for not having more faith. Mysterious ways and always at Last. So I'm told.
To Groups friends; I posted, I will continue to post and thanks for not leaving me in the dust and not loading my inbox down with ? and angry e-mails.
And more Local friends and family; if you have tried or try to call my house and the 'connection' fails. I'm taking care of it, again a mix of weak communications and back firing luck. Further more, I can still be reached by phone, Click Here and scroll down the page.
Ahhh I can see it now; WANTED: Guidance, Courage and/or Reasons... I'm in the market as it were.
I am so ready for September.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out.... Wave On....
Aside from that, Back Fire is the name of the game that my Luck just loves to play. My time currently with the Art School maybe placed under a solid hold. Communication is key to coexistence of any kind on this earth, but apparently some of us missed that memo. I'm guessing when they said 'Send in the letter and we'll move on from there', meant that maybe they were waiting on the letter, but judging by my bank account, apparently that wasn't the case. And as well from the looks of things, their policy may have changed a bit, which is fine, but I do feel a headache coming on. Still on the upside of this, the credit percentage returned is much appreciated and needed at this time, so I'll go ahead and write them, ask about what all needs to be done now and later. And in the mean time try and count it as positive back fire, and shame on me for not having more faith. Mysterious ways and always at Last. So I'm told.
To Groups friends; I posted, I will continue to post and thanks for not leaving me in the dust and not loading my inbox down with ? and angry e-mails.
And more Local friends and family; if you have tried or try to call my house and the 'connection' fails. I'm taking care of it, again a mix of weak communications and back firing luck. Further more, I can still be reached by phone, Click Here and scroll down the page.
Ahhh I can see it now; WANTED: Guidance, Courage and/or Reasons... I'm in the market as it were.
I am so ready for September.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out.... Wave On....
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
I do, But I don't...
Wow, three days - three long and not necessarily productive days. And yeah I know, but I never eally intended to have 'Three' become such a pattern number in my life (despite my long since past and still being forgotten love life ~ Pre-Russell of course). I mean honestly, I think my life path # is 6 and aside from that numerology I know my main # is 22. How the hell I keep coming up with three I'll never know.
I'm so far behind schedule online wise. To 'group' readers; I am so sorry, I swear I'm catching up today and tomorrow. I have actually began working on a few pages that will expand this thing. But having some HTML problems. I'm sure, soon to be remedied. My mom's exploring the wide world of custom T-Shirt design, and if I must walk around in a W.H.O. baseball shirt, I really would like to not have the cemetery land scape of choice on the back... So yeah I'm finally going to sit down pick up a pencil (Me? It's been over a month, but as of two days ago. I don't know) and finish the 'Online Skeleton' dude/design I was working on months ago. I'll have a link - or maybe even a picture up when I do. Also with Art - I was about to finally get around to writing the official notice of cancellation letter for my Art School - No, Not forever, I was just thinking till next year when I'm back on even feet again - But then I thought what the hell, why not give the 'balloon man' a go? I did and, I still got it. I mean I haven't even slipped at all. I guess that's just someone's way of saying 'Spiral Out Girlzy. So instead of the Cancellation letter, it will be a long ass letter to let them know why I'm sooo far behind the imaginary schedule lines. I will say since I am keeping to it, I'm sure as hell gonna work my fingers to the bones to catch up. No way am I not finishing by the end of 2006. And I'm still writing - Songs and Stories. And I still want to get a guitar and figure out how to play, so maybe I can set a tune down for some of this stuff I've penned down.
Report; Monday I had another 'I'm at work, but not entirely sure how I ended up here' Mornings. Comes from getting 2 to 3 hours sleep at night - and having a broken alarm clock - I knew it. I recall hanging out with DJ, I went to his place to see this monstrous monitor he had up for grabs.. Now I have a huge desk, but I can't even fit that thing on the table top of any surface of my room. And I know we met up with R&R, I had a good time, Spiraling Out and such. Most of my friends are pretty busy right now and/or live a good 2 hours or more away. So I figured why not hang out with a few new faces, I really had nothing better to do. Again I had a good time, but I felt like a Pirate out of Water; They aren't really Meta's, So religious discussions and such are out of the way. I didn't really talk about politics - Sticking to where I'm better acquainted - but if they're anything alike the other, It wouldn't have been a last conversation. - No, I'm not judging, just trying to feel out my surroundings. - Rock Music.. Music in general seems to be out, like you would not believe and Pirate, well after one exchanged comment from DJ I didn't even bother asking. They are more Hanging Out, Shooting Pool and trying to advance their careers type people. I didn't know that at the time, If I had I would have gone into more of the Freelance Art or Paranormal Investigator side of my life, rather then the I'm a Special Needs Transit Assistand side. Longest conversation that night, by the way, well with me at least. They are cool people, really. Good pool players and by some way, Some how, they can really set up a Song list on a Juke Box.
Tuesday, much like Monday. Here we go again, sort of night. Though some how, before my evening began, I mean right before I left to meet up with the others.. I found myself to have gone from borderline happy, to distracted and down noted in like 15 minutes. News about Lil'John came through, Jonesy called to see if I was still alive - I am. And told me what's what. I'm still not to worried about him, I mean he's doing well, from what I have heard of, and when compared to what I have read and studied up on. I'm just more worried about her. I don't know why, well I mean I know why, but y'know. If you don't, it's ok; they know me here. Some other news came through, nothing solid and stone set, but I hate What If's that are still possibilities. Foresight a bitch, only have it when you don't need it.
I've discovered I'm starting to grow reckless again. I haven't felt this reckless in almost a year now. Just have this need to make a big change. Possibly locational in nature. If it doesn't wear off, by the end of November; Well maybe I'll start saving up, and I mean really every penny I can. Save enough, by early next year, which I was planning to finally get out of this house by then, maybe really packing it up. And it's hard to say where I would go. Logically to head out to East Texas, I might be able to actually start buying a house. You know one of those places you could live for the rest of ever. Longview might actually be a place I could open a small press shop *sighs*. Slightly less Logic, I could go West, a bit more costly, but - I don't know. Then there is this side of me that could just as easily finish up the school year, with hope have the truck paid off and money enough saved and just take off. I mean I love Texas and no matter where I end up, before I die and/or where they lay my ashes down it will be home in Texas. Montana keeps popping up in my mind. I hate snow and yeah it's like 7 months winter in most of the state, but when I was 16, I sort of liked the idea of it, why it's coming back to me now? Who knows. Then there is Nashville, again I don't get it either. Maybe a music thing. This is the least on the thoughts scale. Salem or Charleston, I guess history wise.. haunted history especially. To many reasons not to go to New Orleans - despite the haunted locations all about. The art school I used to think about is in New Jersey, I really don't know. Either ways, It would be a long while, at least 6 months before I could even do anything crazy, I mean I have to keep logic where money is concerned.. I mean slightly more then I would have a year ago. I have family here, but friends.. they seem to be scattering. Lets face it, if I ever made it as an Artists, or whatever, I would travel anywhere, everywhere. And just see Ya'll around the 'Home Towns.' Odds are, this will pass before I could really take a serious step forward in any direction.
I wanted a reason. I found a reason. I lost a reason. I need another reason.
No matter which way it leads me. There are Reasons... I'm just looking for a really good one.
I swear I do know what I want, but then again I don't.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out...Wave On...
I'm so far behind schedule online wise. To 'group' readers; I am so sorry, I swear I'm catching up today and tomorrow. I have actually began working on a few pages that will expand this thing. But having some HTML problems. I'm sure, soon to be remedied. My mom's exploring the wide world of custom T-Shirt design, and if I must walk around in a W.H.O. baseball shirt, I really would like to not have the cemetery land scape of choice on the back... So yeah I'm finally going to sit down pick up a pencil (Me? It's been over a month, but as of two days ago. I don't know) and finish the 'Online Skeleton' dude/design I was working on months ago. I'll have a link - or maybe even a picture up when I do. Also with Art - I was about to finally get around to writing the official notice of cancellation letter for my Art School - No, Not forever, I was just thinking till next year when I'm back on even feet again - But then I thought what the hell, why not give the 'balloon man' a go? I did and, I still got it. I mean I haven't even slipped at all. I guess that's just someone's way of saying 'Spiral Out Girlzy. So instead of the Cancellation letter, it will be a long ass letter to let them know why I'm sooo far behind the imaginary schedule lines. I will say since I am keeping to it, I'm sure as hell gonna work my fingers to the bones to catch up. No way am I not finishing by the end of 2006. And I'm still writing - Songs and Stories. And I still want to get a guitar and figure out how to play, so maybe I can set a tune down for some of this stuff I've penned down.
Report; Monday I had another 'I'm at work, but not entirely sure how I ended up here' Mornings. Comes from getting 2 to 3 hours sleep at night - and having a broken alarm clock - I knew it. I recall hanging out with DJ, I went to his place to see this monstrous monitor he had up for grabs.. Now I have a huge desk, but I can't even fit that thing on the table top of any surface of my room. And I know we met up with R&R, I had a good time, Spiraling Out and such. Most of my friends are pretty busy right now and/or live a good 2 hours or more away. So I figured why not hang out with a few new faces, I really had nothing better to do. Again I had a good time, but I felt like a Pirate out of Water; They aren't really Meta's, So religious discussions and such are out of the way. I didn't really talk about politics - Sticking to where I'm better acquainted - but if they're anything alike the other, It wouldn't have been a last conversation. - No, I'm not judging, just trying to feel out my surroundings. - Rock Music.. Music in general seems to be out, like you would not believe and Pirate, well after one exchanged comment from DJ I didn't even bother asking. They are more Hanging Out, Shooting Pool and trying to advance their careers type people. I didn't know that at the time, If I had I would have gone into more of the Freelance Art or Paranormal Investigator side of my life, rather then the I'm a Special Needs Transit Assistand side. Longest conversation that night, by the way, well with me at least. They are cool people, really. Good pool players and by some way, Some how, they can really set up a Song list on a Juke Box.
Tuesday, much like Monday. Here we go again, sort of night. Though some how, before my evening began, I mean right before I left to meet up with the others.. I found myself to have gone from borderline happy, to distracted and down noted in like 15 minutes. News about Lil'John came through, Jonesy called to see if I was still alive - I am. And told me what's what. I'm still not to worried about him, I mean he's doing well, from what I have heard of, and when compared to what I have read and studied up on. I'm just more worried about her. I don't know why, well I mean I know why, but y'know. If you don't, it's ok; they know me here. Some other news came through, nothing solid and stone set, but I hate What If's that are still possibilities. Foresight a bitch, only have it when you don't need it.
I've discovered I'm starting to grow reckless again. I haven't felt this reckless in almost a year now. Just have this need to make a big change. Possibly locational in nature. If it doesn't wear off, by the end of November; Well maybe I'll start saving up, and I mean really every penny I can. Save enough, by early next year, which I was planning to finally get out of this house by then, maybe really packing it up. And it's hard to say where I would go. Logically to head out to East Texas, I might be able to actually start buying a house. You know one of those places you could live for the rest of ever. Longview might actually be a place I could open a small press shop *sighs*. Slightly less Logic, I could go West, a bit more costly, but - I don't know. Then there is this side of me that could just as easily finish up the school year, with hope have the truck paid off and money enough saved and just take off. I mean I love Texas and no matter where I end up, before I die and/or where they lay my ashes down it will be home in Texas. Montana keeps popping up in my mind. I hate snow and yeah it's like 7 months winter in most of the state, but when I was 16, I sort of liked the idea of it, why it's coming back to me now? Who knows. Then there is Nashville, again I don't get it either. Maybe a music thing. This is the least on the thoughts scale. Salem or Charleston, I guess history wise.. haunted history especially. To many reasons not to go to New Orleans - despite the haunted locations all about. The art school I used to think about is in New Jersey, I really don't know. Either ways, It would be a long while, at least 6 months before I could even do anything crazy, I mean I have to keep logic where money is concerned.. I mean slightly more then I would have a year ago. I have family here, but friends.. they seem to be scattering. Lets face it, if I ever made it as an Artists, or whatever, I would travel anywhere, everywhere. And just see Ya'll around the 'Home Towns.' Odds are, this will pass before I could really take a serious step forward in any direction.
I wanted a reason. I found a reason. I lost a reason. I need another reason.
No matter which way it leads me. There are Reasons... I'm just looking for a really good one.
I swear I do know what I want, but then again I don't.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out...Wave On...
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Without a Paddle
I think I want to just start by saying that I have seen a good handful of movies this past summer and spring, but this movie stands out - I don't know about the rest of you - But I have to say that this movie is worth paying the 5.00 to 8.00 dollars (pending where and when you go) to see.
No really big CGI or major special effects - of course there are some, but I mean in the more tangible sense. When was the last time any movie was made with out the use of CGI or in most cases a Special Effect of one type or another. I mean as an actor you would be insane not to and as a film maker, your movies would suck if you don't. SO be it stunt work or green screen SE has it's place. - But anyways, what I'm saying is this is just a good movie. Simple, Funny, a few gross out parts - definitely more of a Dude Flick, but to all the ladies like me out there, Dude humor or not - If nothing else go with your Boy Friends or Guy Friends or even your Gal Pals, because Matthew and Dax in their boxers? :] Not the only reason, but it's a plus.
Obviously for starters the cast of the 3 leads calls for a thumbs up. Seth Green is all around a talented actor - his roles have always kept to the more cooky, zany, out there style, but he's been around sense about 1984 in one way or another - actually I've found credits from a bit further, but movie wise - and he's still around so love him or hate him, he seems to be here for a good while to come, and with movies like this for a credit - Well I'm paying attention ;] (Aquarius by the way) Now there is also kind of a new comer Dax Shepard, I'd say this is his first really big role and I can't wait to see what comes about next for him. Is he really talented? Well I can't really say, I know I'm not the best judge in actors, but I like him. I mean outside of the fact that he's good looking - in this movie anyways, I can't say his performance had me running for the door. His character in this movie is the kind 'We all know one' or for some 'I am One'. So it can't be to bad. I think we'll see more of him in the Ashton Kutcher sort of way. (Capricorn ^^ ) Then there is Matthew Lillard, *grins* I gotta be honest here, the best thing that ever came out of the movie Scream - For me at least - is Skeet and Matthew, I've been a fan of both ever since. And this movie is one of the reasons why. Again, all of these characters that these three talented men play are the 'Can relate' types - more so if your in that 20 to 30 something stretch. It's just a feel good - going out with friends movie, and I don't think it would be with out the character of Jerry, which I couldn't imagine anyone else handling besides Matthew. Go see it, I think most would agree. Very few men can pull off those kind of facial expressions - I mean come on, there's a reason he snagged the role of Shaggy in Scooby Doo (not the best movie ever, but kids like it so it was a heaven sent back when I worked the day care). (Jan 24th Aquarius ;] )
So Now your probably thinking enough about the actors, what is the movie about? Well it's roughly about a group of 4 kids who spent their childhood dreaming about the lost treasure of D.B. Cooper. Always plotting their big adventure out while like most boys, just being boys. Fast forward 10, 20 years and the 4 have grown up and keep roughly some contact, but lets face it only a very few people are fortunate enough to keep such strong ties to childhood friends. Three of the four find them selves reunited when the news came through about the death of Billy the most adventurous and life-loving, free spirit of the four. Tom (Shepard), Dan (Green) and Jerry (Lillard) find themselves of course playing catch-up with each others and of course Remember When's. And after discovering that Billy never could kick the obssesion with D.B. Cooper's treasure, the three decide to drop everything and hit the great out doors! One last real adventure in honor of Billy. Of course everything that could go wrong dose, and Fred Wolf (Joe Dirt) & Harris Goldberg (Duce Bigalow: Male Gigolo) do a great job along side Steven Brill (Mr. Deeds and lil' Nicky) coming up how much WRONG comes into play. Now eventually by the end, in typical Movie Land fashion, a happy ending of one kind or another falls into place, and a few moral under lines weave through it in the subliminal way. So Fun and Sweet for Girls and Hilarious 'Awww Man' moments for Dudes. Good laughs all around! Anyone who has ever had a really good friend or group of friends could and I believe will enjoy this movie. I mean I think anyone can walk out with out feeling ripped off or disappointed, but again I think it will really hit home to the heart and humor for the 20 to 30 something crowd. Dude and Chick alike.
I went with DJ but yeah I admit I would go again, maybe when it hits the Buck-Fifty theater unless someone else just wants to get out and nothing else strikes my fancy, which is entirely possible. What can I say I'm weird like that.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On...
No really big CGI or major special effects - of course there are some, but I mean in the more tangible sense. When was the last time any movie was made with out the use of CGI or in most cases a Special Effect of one type or another. I mean as an actor you would be insane not to and as a film maker, your movies would suck if you don't. SO be it stunt work or green screen SE has it's place. - But anyways, what I'm saying is this is just a good movie. Simple, Funny, a few gross out parts - definitely more of a Dude Flick, but to all the ladies like me out there, Dude humor or not - If nothing else go with your Boy Friends or Guy Friends or even your Gal Pals, because Matthew and Dax in their boxers? :] Not the only reason, but it's a plus.
Obviously for starters the cast of the 3 leads calls for a thumbs up. Seth Green is all around a talented actor - his roles have always kept to the more cooky, zany, out there style, but he's been around sense about 1984 in one way or another - actually I've found credits from a bit further, but movie wise - and he's still around so love him or hate him, he seems to be here for a good while to come, and with movies like this for a credit - Well I'm paying attention ;] (Aquarius by the way) Now there is also kind of a new comer Dax Shepard, I'd say this is his first really big role and I can't wait to see what comes about next for him. Is he really talented? Well I can't really say, I know I'm not the best judge in actors, but I like him. I mean outside of the fact that he's good looking - in this movie anyways, I can't say his performance had me running for the door. His character in this movie is the kind 'We all know one' or for some 'I am One'. So it can't be to bad. I think we'll see more of him in the Ashton Kutcher sort of way. (Capricorn ^^ ) Then there is Matthew Lillard, *grins* I gotta be honest here, the best thing that ever came out of the movie Scream - For me at least - is Skeet and Matthew, I've been a fan of both ever since. And this movie is one of the reasons why. Again, all of these characters that these three talented men play are the 'Can relate' types - more so if your in that 20 to 30 something stretch. It's just a feel good - going out with friends movie, and I don't think it would be with out the character of Jerry, which I couldn't imagine anyone else handling besides Matthew. Go see it, I think most would agree. Very few men can pull off those kind of facial expressions - I mean come on, there's a reason he snagged the role of Shaggy in Scooby Doo (not the best movie ever, but kids like it so it was a heaven sent back when I worked the day care). (Jan 24th Aquarius ;] )
So Now your probably thinking enough about the actors, what is the movie about? Well it's roughly about a group of 4 kids who spent their childhood dreaming about the lost treasure of D.B. Cooper. Always plotting their big adventure out while like most boys, just being boys. Fast forward 10, 20 years and the 4 have grown up and keep roughly some contact, but lets face it only a very few people are fortunate enough to keep such strong ties to childhood friends. Three of the four find them selves reunited when the news came through about the death of Billy the most adventurous and life-loving, free spirit of the four. Tom (Shepard), Dan (Green) and Jerry (Lillard) find themselves of course playing catch-up with each others and of course Remember When's. And after discovering that Billy never could kick the obssesion with D.B. Cooper's treasure, the three decide to drop everything and hit the great out doors! One last real adventure in honor of Billy. Of course everything that could go wrong dose, and Fred Wolf (Joe Dirt) & Harris Goldberg (Duce Bigalow: Male Gigolo) do a great job along side Steven Brill (Mr. Deeds and lil' Nicky) coming up how much WRONG comes into play. Now eventually by the end, in typical Movie Land fashion, a happy ending of one kind or another falls into place, and a few moral under lines weave through it in the subliminal way. So Fun and Sweet for Girls and Hilarious 'Awww Man' moments for Dudes. Good laughs all around! Anyone who has ever had a really good friend or group of friends could and I believe will enjoy this movie. I mean I think anyone can walk out with out feeling ripped off or disappointed, but again I think it will really hit home to the heart and humor for the 20 to 30 something crowd. Dude and Chick alike.
I went with DJ but yeah I admit I would go again, maybe when it hits the Buck-Fifty theater unless someone else just wants to get out and nothing else strikes my fancy, which is entirely possible. What can I say I'm weird like that.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On...
Friday, August 20, 2004
Songs in my head
So outside of that for an after-noon - it's more then evident that there has been some waves. But all and all I have plenty to ponder. My pay check really surprised me in a good way, for the first time in months considering it was for three days and three hours of inservice. I hope to go see With Out A Paddle tomorrow night. A Matthew Liliard movie so no doubt I'll like it.
And I hope there are still good seats left for the Selma, Texas Pat Green concert by the time I actually figure I can afford it :] Though come to think of it, in that area of life, I find my luck to be a bit better. He has a new song and I have only heard about 3 quarters of it on the radio, from his upcoming album, the songs called 'Don't Break My Heart Again' - I don't want to just say I like it, because I don't think I have ever heard a Pat Green song I don't like - in not love. It's a Texas thing I suppose. So much to love, so much to hate. Anyways I know through out the song, I guess along the chorus (I hope) "It's So Hard To Find Love."* is a line that comes around a few times. (I don't know if that is the exact wording, I'll fix it later if not.) It brought a smirk to my face, though I'm sure most can relate. More so when your not trying to. Anyways Ya'll know I'll buy it the first day it hits the stores - I learned that lesson the hard way. And one day I'll actually have one of each of his albums, and yeah knowing me I'll write something about anything new that I hear that sticks out no matter how old it is. Of course that's not exclusive to a Green song. By the way if you like Texas music at all, or some philosophy with a cool southern sound and your bumming around the music sites or music stores;
I recommend (If you already like him or decide you do - links all over this page and ones for every album title when it come up below - it's an online store that supports 'Texas music' and fair pricing if you ask me)
"Sing Til' I stop cryin" and "Wrapped" from Wave On Wave
"Wrong Side of Town" from Three Days
"Take me Out To a Dancehall" from Three Days, Carry On & Live at Billy Bob's (if you like life style)
"South Bound 35" just as much of his signature as "Here We Go" from Three Days, Live At Billy Bob's & Here We Go
"Here We Go" :] from Here We Go, Live At Billy Bob's & Dancehall Dreamer
and I actually have yet to hear it, but the lyrics for this next pick - well I just like it
"Dancehall Dreamer" from Dancehall Dreamer, Here We Go & Live At Billy Bob's
And the Pat Green & Cory Morrow cover album "Songs We Wished We'd Written" Has the best cover of "Stuck In the middle with you" and "Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way?" Is a 'Good One.'
Ok... Wow.. so that was longer then I thought. Guess I figured I would write something that actually didn't deal directly with me life... heh. Honestly though, even if you don't like country music, you might just like this.
I'll counter the Country post with a rock post soon.. I'm thinking the lesser known side to Deep Blue Something that 'Mix' Stations don't always see. I like Breakfast at Tiffiany's as much as the next person, but these guys actually had a few other inspirations.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On....
*smirks*
* I screwed up the qute, I orginally though the song was "Falling In Love Is So hard To Do." When it is actually "It's Hard To Find Love." I still think the song rocks and I'm glad it's getting major radio play, but now that I have heard it all the way through (several times) and now know most of it by heart, that 'bridge' line dose not hold as much for me as it did before, but still good. :]
And I hope there are still good seats left for the Selma, Texas Pat Green concert by the time I actually figure I can afford it :] Though come to think of it, in that area of life, I find my luck to be a bit better. He has a new song and I have only heard about 3 quarters of it on the radio, from his upcoming album, the songs called 'Don't Break My Heart Again' - I don't want to just say I like it, because I don't think I have ever heard a Pat Green song I don't like - in not love. It's a Texas thing I suppose. So much to love, so much to hate. Anyways I know through out the song, I guess along the chorus (I hope) "It's So Hard To Find Love."* is a line that comes around a few times. (I don't know if that is the exact wording, I'll fix it later if not.) It brought a smirk to my face, though I'm sure most can relate. More so when your not trying to. Anyways Ya'll know I'll buy it the first day it hits the stores - I learned that lesson the hard way. And one day I'll actually have one of each of his albums, and yeah knowing me I'll write something about anything new that I hear that sticks out no matter how old it is. Of course that's not exclusive to a Green song. By the way if you like Texas music at all, or some philosophy with a cool southern sound and your bumming around the music sites or music stores;
I recommend (If you already like him or decide you do - links all over this page and ones for every album title when it come up below - it's an online store that supports 'Texas music' and fair pricing if you ask me)
"Sing Til' I stop cryin" and "Wrapped" from Wave On Wave
"Wrong Side of Town" from Three Days
"Take me Out To a Dancehall" from Three Days, Carry On & Live at Billy Bob's (if you like life style)
"South Bound 35" just as much of his signature as "Here We Go" from Three Days, Live At Billy Bob's & Here We Go
"Here We Go" :] from Here We Go, Live At Billy Bob's & Dancehall Dreamer
and I actually have yet to hear it, but the lyrics for this next pick - well I just like it
"Dancehall Dreamer" from Dancehall Dreamer, Here We Go & Live At Billy Bob's
And the Pat Green & Cory Morrow cover album "Songs We Wished We'd Written" Has the best cover of "Stuck In the middle with you" and "Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way?" Is a 'Good One.'
Ok... Wow.. so that was longer then I thought. Guess I figured I would write something that actually didn't deal directly with me life... heh. Honestly though, even if you don't like country music, you might just like this.
I'll counter the Country post with a rock post soon.. I'm thinking the lesser known side to Deep Blue Something that 'Mix' Stations don't always see. I like Breakfast at Tiffiany's as much as the next person, but these guys actually had a few other inspirations.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On....
*smirks*
* I screwed up the qute, I orginally though the song was "Falling In Love Is So hard To Do." When it is actually "It's Hard To Find Love." I still think the song rocks and I'm glad it's getting major radio play, but now that I have heard it all the way through (several times) and now know most of it by heart, that 'bridge' line dose not hold as much for me as it did before, but still good. :]
Three Hours Of Life I don't Remember
I guess I can start by saying that a mild sleeping pill, A small swig of rum and compilicated and complex conversation is not as good of a mix as few of may think it might be. The result for me last night came out to falling asleep around 3:30 am, being woken up I guess around 5:45 am and I know I went to work, but how I got there or how much really transpired of my morning run.. well all that I really can't answer for. I do recall some stuff the driver and I talked about. But then again?
Sometime after I returned home from my morning run, Jonesy called me; small talk really. I guess I sounded tired can't imagine why, because I remember hanging up and about, well lets shoot for 5 to 15 minutes later, she calls back. She called upon me asking if I could give her a ride up to the hospital to see Lil'John. And like I have always told my closest friends & family, Jonesy especially above most others, if they call upon me - No Matter What The Reason (though I ask if they could keep in it in some reason) I will drop everything, put my world on hold for them. I have promised others and of course Her this time and time again. After all, I can be a bit of a recluse, and 'We' don't always make the best best friends. So I make and try with every ounce of my being to keep that promise. Least I could do. So anyways She called me, she tells me roughly what's going on and at that moment there is still a chance that I can run her up there and get back in time for work - I knew I wouldn't. I mean I'm not about to Rush there only to Rush back. So "I" Called in. Now I wasn't exactly sure sure what was the reason in full for the venture - and I was a bit of a nervous wreck while driving to her house. That was quickly remedied... We eventually arrive at the Hospital - which by the way I now loath Memorial rd (or ln or pkwy or whatever it is) with furry and reason - We arrive and her husband had already made it there, honestly our time was pretty sad - Thanks Houston. And I finally meet Lil'John.
All of a sudden I could not breath. I mean maybe brought to a complete stop, but despite the outside , on the inside - It's strange. The entire way there, though I kept up conversation, the paramount feature in my mind was getting Jonesy to his side in good time. I didn't want to let her down - I can count how many times she has really called on me on one hand. I think I've lost count how many times she's been there for me, called upon or not. Still I got there and... and I don't really know what my first reaction was. I will say it was silent.
I watched Lil'John's hand hold on to his Father's finger and I watch Jonesy and her life. I can't say really why, but by the time I left - I had been waved by three main emotions; a humbled feeling (I know that's not really an emotion, but it's what I felt) and I secondly felt Scared. Not in a frightened of paranoid - heart pumping sort of way. And finally a Soft Envy. Not a jealousy in any way. I'm so happy for her, despite how things have come about for her. Those three emotions plus a long ride home (I'm already missing work, no rush) equal a sense being lost. Which relays and reinforces that hallow feeling I've been walking around with for roughly about 50 days now - twice over sense last week.
I'm just so happy for her. She had worked hard and over come some odds and faced her deserts (like we all have) in the past to reach this point. Obviously she has another wide desert to cross, but I know she will, I know they will. On certain levels she's a far stronger person then I am. So I'm happy for her and I hold that soft envy. May I be so blessed one day.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On....
Sometime after I returned home from my morning run, Jonesy called me; small talk really. I guess I sounded tired can't imagine why, because I remember hanging up and about, well lets shoot for 5 to 15 minutes later, she calls back. She called upon me asking if I could give her a ride up to the hospital to see Lil'John. And like I have always told my closest friends & family, Jonesy especially above most others, if they call upon me - No Matter What The Reason (though I ask if they could keep in it in some reason) I will drop everything, put my world on hold for them. I have promised others and of course Her this time and time again. After all, I can be a bit of a recluse, and 'We' don't always make the best best friends. So I make and try with every ounce of my being to keep that promise. Least I could do. So anyways She called me, she tells me roughly what's going on and at that moment there is still a chance that I can run her up there and get back in time for work - I knew I wouldn't. I mean I'm not about to Rush there only to Rush back. So "I" Called in. Now I wasn't exactly sure sure what was the reason in full for the venture - and I was a bit of a nervous wreck while driving to her house. That was quickly remedied... We eventually arrive at the Hospital - which by the way I now loath Memorial rd (or ln or pkwy or whatever it is) with furry and reason - We arrive and her husband had already made it there, honestly our time was pretty sad - Thanks Houston. And I finally meet Lil'John.
All of a sudden I could not breath. I mean maybe brought to a complete stop, but despite the outside , on the inside - It's strange. The entire way there, though I kept up conversation, the paramount feature in my mind was getting Jonesy to his side in good time. I didn't want to let her down - I can count how many times she has really called on me on one hand. I think I've lost count how many times she's been there for me, called upon or not. Still I got there and... and I don't really know what my first reaction was. I will say it was silent.
I watched Lil'John's hand hold on to his Father's finger and I watch Jonesy and her life. I can't say really why, but by the time I left - I had been waved by three main emotions; a humbled feeling (I know that's not really an emotion, but it's what I felt) and I secondly felt Scared. Not in a frightened of paranoid - heart pumping sort of way. And finally a Soft Envy. Not a jealousy in any way. I'm so happy for her, despite how things have come about for her. Those three emotions plus a long ride home (I'm already missing work, no rush) equal a sense being lost. Which relays and reinforces that hallow feeling I've been walking around with for roughly about 50 days now - twice over sense last week.
I'm just so happy for her. She had worked hard and over come some odds and faced her deserts (like we all have) in the past to reach this point. Obviously she has another wide desert to cross, but I know she will, I know they will. On certain levels she's a far stronger person then I am. So I'm happy for her and I hold that soft envy. May I be so blessed one day.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On....
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Three Hours
It's only just now the 9 O'clock hour. Nine after Nine am, when I begin this and today is already stressed. I felt completely nauseated today on the bus, and No, I have no idea Why.
There was another 'Fake Out' incident on my bus today, not as bad as yesterdays, but it still got to me. I mean all of the kids seemed a bit down, I suppose. And when you add that, with the effects of the 'Fake Out'.. which by the way in appearance looks a hell of allot like someone who's been shock for a good while after taking on an attack to the heart, may it be by a biological or a sort of more tangible attack by an outside force. My driver noticed my reaction, not as bad as yesterday, but she could tell it shook me up a bit. We talked about what I already know - You have to stay involved enough to care for the children, but stay detached enough to where these things can roll off your shoulders - And I know that, and I have always been capable of that. Guess it just brought back some images to my mind. Ones that I don't ever want to lose, or block out. Just ones that I only want to relive when I'm alone with my note book or when I can take them head on and deal with them in a human way, but also in a more controlled enviorment. *sighs* I'll be ok, I can handle my job, I was already feeling weak today, and with my luck? With the odds I keep? Yeah all things considered I admit it kind of 'iced' the cake, one more straw for the camel's back - It effected me, but only a bit, I was over it at once, at least where the kid is concerned.
The drive home on the other hand - Take on the Waves.. I just take on the waves as they come. What else can I do? I mean I'm getting out more, I'm breathing a bit. Still this week just proves what I already knew, may it be 2 months after or 20 years after - as I have been told by those who have experienced in some way or another what I have, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the waves as they come.
And again, I've been weak. My energy is at the lowest it's probably ever been in my life. Even the days that I feel stronger are nothing compared to where I have been before. And I find my self sleeping all the time. Like yesterday day I slept almost my entire mid day, and then from like 6:00 pm to about 10:00 pm and back to bed again at 2:00 am and then back up at 5:30 am, with a few breaks in between. I've probably slept a total of about 12 hours since my alarm went off in the morning on the 18th. Give or take the 5 to 15 minutes I didn't include above. And it's a very deep sleep. Then there is also eating, I find myself hungry and shaky, but I don't have any specific cravings to direct me, and my palate seems to have narrowed so I no longer eat until I'm full, but rather until my tastes give up and say no more, this isn't good. And don't get me wrong, I take my vitamins and when I do eat, I make sure I eat smart. I think I'll go ahead and try that Marharic Seal as soon as my energy allows me to stay awake for enough of a half hour to give it a try, maybe after I get done here. If it's wrong for me - Something will come through and tell me.
I miss him, every day - just feel it differently from time to time. I have to remind my self there is a reason.. I personally don't want to know the reason, I doubt as long as I'm here on earth I will ever find it... Any reason to be sufficient, so I'll just leave it alone knowing that there is a reason, knowing my self enough to not even bother asking, after all it would be just my luck that the answer would come through for a change. There are plans, carefully charted courses, There are reasons. A door has closed.. now It's a matter of finding which one has been open in turn. Still looking.. It seems like it'll take a while.. better be worth it. - *sighs, again* I miss him.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On...
There was another 'Fake Out' incident on my bus today, not as bad as yesterdays, but it still got to me. I mean all of the kids seemed a bit down, I suppose. And when you add that, with the effects of the 'Fake Out'.. which by the way in appearance looks a hell of allot like someone who's been shock for a good while after taking on an attack to the heart, may it be by a biological or a sort of more tangible attack by an outside force. My driver noticed my reaction, not as bad as yesterday, but she could tell it shook me up a bit. We talked about what I already know - You have to stay involved enough to care for the children, but stay detached enough to where these things can roll off your shoulders - And I know that, and I have always been capable of that. Guess it just brought back some images to my mind. Ones that I don't ever want to lose, or block out. Just ones that I only want to relive when I'm alone with my note book or when I can take them head on and deal with them in a human way, but also in a more controlled enviorment. *sighs* I'll be ok, I can handle my job, I was already feeling weak today, and with my luck? With the odds I keep? Yeah all things considered I admit it kind of 'iced' the cake, one more straw for the camel's back - It effected me, but only a bit, I was over it at once, at least where the kid is concerned.
The drive home on the other hand - Take on the Waves.. I just take on the waves as they come. What else can I do? I mean I'm getting out more, I'm breathing a bit. Still this week just proves what I already knew, may it be 2 months after or 20 years after - as I have been told by those who have experienced in some way or another what I have, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the waves as they come.
And again, I've been weak. My energy is at the lowest it's probably ever been in my life. Even the days that I feel stronger are nothing compared to where I have been before. And I find my self sleeping all the time. Like yesterday day I slept almost my entire mid day, and then from like 6:00 pm to about 10:00 pm and back to bed again at 2:00 am and then back up at 5:30 am, with a few breaks in between. I've probably slept a total of about 12 hours since my alarm went off in the morning on the 18th. Give or take the 5 to 15 minutes I didn't include above. And it's a very deep sleep. Then there is also eating, I find myself hungry and shaky, but I don't have any specific cravings to direct me, and my palate seems to have narrowed so I no longer eat until I'm full, but rather until my tastes give up and say no more, this isn't good. And don't get me wrong, I take my vitamins and when I do eat, I make sure I eat smart. I think I'll go ahead and try that Marharic Seal as soon as my energy allows me to stay awake for enough of a half hour to give it a try, maybe after I get done here. If it's wrong for me - Something will come through and tell me.
I miss him, every day - just feel it differently from time to time. I have to remind my self there is a reason.. I personally don't want to know the reason, I doubt as long as I'm here on earth I will ever find it... Any reason to be sufficient, so I'll just leave it alone knowing that there is a reason, knowing my self enough to not even bother asking, after all it would be just my luck that the answer would come through for a change. There are plans, carefully charted courses, There are reasons. A door has closed.. now It's a matter of finding which one has been open in turn. Still looking.. It seems like it'll take a while.. better be worth it. - *sighs, again* I miss him.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On...
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Three Days
The past three days have been jampacked with ups and downs. Still all things considered the Surf has been pretty mild.
I talked to Jonesy, yesterday; lil'John is doing better. Lungs have stabled and he's taking in milk.. I think she said. A few worries in some other areas, but he was very premature, so all things considered - I mean from what I've learned in my time off, about premature babies, I think what she had to say sounded pretty good. Again, I know I should be far more worried, but I'm just not. Don't get me wrong, I pray every night for him, but I don't know why.. Maybe because he's a Leo, a July 28th Leo at that - They are to strong, and of course all Leo's have that Royal way about them. I think it comes from always thinking they are right... and the hard part about that is, for the rest of us at least; 75% of the time, they are. I guess that might be why I don't worry near as much as some feel should.
Kids at work, my students I help to transport around on the big yellow lil'bus, are beginning to reveal their very own and unique personalities. Keeping me on my toes, and my Bus very clean. Today was a bit nerve racking though, some children crave attention and find odd ways of attracting it. I can't remember the last time I was so scared on a bus. My heart sank so low into my stomach... I Love and Hate my job all at the same time. Rewarding and Painful, and very Taxing all at the same time. A real hold your breath kind of work.
Anyways, things seem to be moving good with Russell's case. The news that has reached me, both good and bad has left me a bit more relieved.. I don't know if it should have, but it has, though Tuesday I went to work with such knots in my stomach! But of course by the end of the work day, I was to tired to recall my active worries. Though today, dealing in that area - I found out that many, many people at my work have been asking my mom about what happened, She in turn told me what she had been telling them... and what effects... what the loss really was to her, to most of us...
Trying to move along here...
Tuesday, I actually went into the pool for about a half hour to an hour. I haven't done that since the Summer started. Maybe I felt like I needed the exercise.. maybe the chance to clear my mind.. maybe the idea that I might start to introduce my skin to pigmentation....
I also began to read the Good Book again. I mean I'm always reading up on it, so to speak with Religions and such. I read the full book of Ruth one night last week.. I don't know why. I don't really know if I pulled anything from it. And this week I have this unexplainable urge to open it up again and begin reading the book of Jeremiah. It's been one of my favorite books of the bible for a long time now. Actually my favorite verse is found in Jeremiah: 29.11 "For I Know The Thoughts That I Think Towards You, Saith The Lord, Thoughts Of Peace, And Not Of Evil, To Give You An Expected End."
That's the King James version of course, I guess in other versions, it comes across a bit differently. Like the idea that the Lord, my God has not forgotten me or Forsaken me, and keeps in mind a plan, a set course that I can trust and follow until my end. I guess I find something comforting in that... Personally it's my favorite verse, but trust me I have so many tagged for other occasions. Anyways so I'm re-reading reading this book after moving on from that, and what I'm pulled to next is anyone's guess. It just hits me out of no where and I sit down and follow through - gut feeling I guess. Unlike Ruth, I know I have already gotten something out of my time spent reading.
My mind just keeps going back to that verse, time and time again.
My left arm is killing me, I know my energy level will never be what it was during May and June, but right now I can't even find the strength I had in my worst day before - Even on the 'good' days. I find it takes Energy to recall lessons about Energy and Frequencies; Metaphysically speaking. And I need to go back and read up, but my arm might actually be the source 'side' of the drainage. I definitely can say it feels that way 24/7. I'm even looking into the Maharic Seal Procedure, I don't know if I believe in whatever IT is, but I do believe in meditation, and if nothing else the exercise would be great for focus. It's pulls from The ECKSHA symbol. It's considered one of the 5 living symbols.. I think, Though I can't recall at this moment why or by who, I know it goes way, way back to an early system of beliefs.. again I don't know how much of this I actually believe, but I will say this, when I touched the symbol, my friend brought to me - I can't really explain what it felt like, I just know I have never in my life felt anything like that come off a symbol sketched along some ordinary paper.. so it appeared at least. And I believe symbols can hold great power, when they are brought about with much care and preparation. To much evil in the world for such a thing not to be possible.. even if it is only remotely. I guess in that same turn, to much Good in the world. If whatever this thing is, dose work and further more, dose check out ok, by my 'book'. Then it may not actually build up my energy, but it should help to keep it in check.. Protect it I guess. AGAIN I don't know, just looking into it, if my faith can't back it, then I drop it. But I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, and I know well the history and intent of the Holy Bible, and my faith is my Anchor. The difference, From what I can tell, at this point in my life at least, who knows this view may change later on; The difference between Drifting towards or rather in search of new things and Spiraling towards, in search of new things is simply put: An Anchor. When you Drift, you find your anchor is your self, it's about what settles with you and you alone, what you chose to keep and what you chose to discard falls on you and you alone.. and no that is not always such a bad thing. But Spiral, to spiral out, you would have an Anchor outside your self, a belief or way of thinking that you have adopted, but not entirely your own. A set, an Anchor that has come before you and will probably be around long after you. As well, not always a bad thing.
Drift or Spiral, whatever works for you, but try to keep going, try to keep in search of new things.
And for a small taste of Irony; I can't stand TOOL, but I obviously quote them enough. Well Tool and Pat Green. :] Well no matter how the wording came about, the lesson is a long time learned.. and I'm sure it will change and grow as I do, but for now my faith - my convictions are as stated and shared from time to time.
Guess I had allot to say.. helps the mind to dodge the waves that keep coming towards me.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On....
I talked to Jonesy, yesterday; lil'John is doing better. Lungs have stabled and he's taking in milk.. I think she said. A few worries in some other areas, but he was very premature, so all things considered - I mean from what I've learned in my time off, about premature babies, I think what she had to say sounded pretty good. Again, I know I should be far more worried, but I'm just not. Don't get me wrong, I pray every night for him, but I don't know why.. Maybe because he's a Leo, a July 28th Leo at that - They are to strong, and of course all Leo's have that Royal way about them. I think it comes from always thinking they are right... and the hard part about that is, for the rest of us at least; 75% of the time, they are. I guess that might be why I don't worry near as much as some feel should.
Kids at work, my students I help to transport around on the big yellow lil'bus, are beginning to reveal their very own and unique personalities. Keeping me on my toes, and my Bus very clean. Today was a bit nerve racking though, some children crave attention and find odd ways of attracting it. I can't remember the last time I was so scared on a bus. My heart sank so low into my stomach... I Love and Hate my job all at the same time. Rewarding and Painful, and very Taxing all at the same time. A real hold your breath kind of work.
Anyways, things seem to be moving good with Russell's case. The news that has reached me, both good and bad has left me a bit more relieved.. I don't know if it should have, but it has, though Tuesday I went to work with such knots in my stomach! But of course by the end of the work day, I was to tired to recall my active worries. Though today, dealing in that area - I found out that many, many people at my work have been asking my mom about what happened, She in turn told me what she had been telling them... and what effects... what the loss really was to her, to most of us...
Trying to move along here...
Tuesday, I actually went into the pool for about a half hour to an hour. I haven't done that since the Summer started. Maybe I felt like I needed the exercise.. maybe the chance to clear my mind.. maybe the idea that I might start to introduce my skin to pigmentation....
I also began to read the Good Book again. I mean I'm always reading up on it, so to speak with Religions and such. I read the full book of Ruth one night last week.. I don't know why. I don't really know if I pulled anything from it. And this week I have this unexplainable urge to open it up again and begin reading the book of Jeremiah. It's been one of my favorite books of the bible for a long time now. Actually my favorite verse is found in Jeremiah: 29.11 "For I Know The Thoughts That I Think Towards You, Saith The Lord, Thoughts Of Peace, And Not Of Evil, To Give You An Expected End."
That's the King James version of course, I guess in other versions, it comes across a bit differently. Like the idea that the Lord, my God has not forgotten me or Forsaken me, and keeps in mind a plan, a set course that I can trust and follow until my end. I guess I find something comforting in that... Personally it's my favorite verse, but trust me I have so many tagged for other occasions. Anyways so I'm re-reading reading this book after moving on from that, and what I'm pulled to next is anyone's guess. It just hits me out of no where and I sit down and follow through - gut feeling I guess. Unlike Ruth, I know I have already gotten something out of my time spent reading.
My mind just keeps going back to that verse, time and time again.
My left arm is killing me, I know my energy level will never be what it was during May and June, but right now I can't even find the strength I had in my worst day before - Even on the 'good' days. I find it takes Energy to recall lessons about Energy and Frequencies; Metaphysically speaking. And I need to go back and read up, but my arm might actually be the source 'side' of the drainage. I definitely can say it feels that way 24/7. I'm even looking into the Maharic Seal Procedure, I don't know if I believe in whatever IT is, but I do believe in meditation, and if nothing else the exercise would be great for focus. It's pulls from The ECKSHA symbol. It's considered one of the 5 living symbols.. I think, Though I can't recall at this moment why or by who, I know it goes way, way back to an early system of beliefs.. again I don't know how much of this I actually believe, but I will say this, when I touched the symbol, my friend brought to me - I can't really explain what it felt like, I just know I have never in my life felt anything like that come off a symbol sketched along some ordinary paper.. so it appeared at least. And I believe symbols can hold great power, when they are brought about with much care and preparation. To much evil in the world for such a thing not to be possible.. even if it is only remotely. I guess in that same turn, to much Good in the world. If whatever this thing is, dose work and further more, dose check out ok, by my 'book'. Then it may not actually build up my energy, but it should help to keep it in check.. Protect it I guess. AGAIN I don't know, just looking into it, if my faith can't back it, then I drop it. But I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, and I know well the history and intent of the Holy Bible, and my faith is my Anchor. The difference, From what I can tell, at this point in my life at least, who knows this view may change later on; The difference between Drifting towards or rather in search of new things and Spiraling towards, in search of new things is simply put: An Anchor. When you Drift, you find your anchor is your self, it's about what settles with you and you alone, what you chose to keep and what you chose to discard falls on you and you alone.. and no that is not always such a bad thing. But Spiral, to spiral out, you would have an Anchor outside your self, a belief or way of thinking that you have adopted, but not entirely your own. A set, an Anchor that has come before you and will probably be around long after you. As well, not always a bad thing.
Drift or Spiral, whatever works for you, but try to keep going, try to keep in search of new things.
And for a small taste of Irony; I can't stand TOOL, but I obviously quote them enough. Well Tool and Pat Green. :] Well no matter how the wording came about, the lesson is a long time learned.. and I'm sure it will change and grow as I do, but for now my faith - my convictions are as stated and shared from time to time.
Guess I had allot to say.. helps the mind to dodge the waves that keep coming towards me.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On....
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Birds Of Fire
I have been dying to sit down and write this. It's been a long, long weekend and I knew it would be, but it's been so hard to sit back and wait for the end to come around, but I had to because I knew there would be more before the end....
Let me explain....
I should start on Saturday, but Sunday has been far to exciting. I went out to The Reagan's tonight and wow, I mean I always have a good time, laughs and good conversations and plenty of stories to go around. Still this time was very important, because a gift that Russell had gotten me finally came in. He had told me before he died that he had gotten something for me, but would not tell me what it was, I knew it was jewelry - but past that point no clue. Honestly I thought it would be an Irish Sweet-Heart cross, like the one he had and loved so much; nothing even remotely close to what it actually was had crossed my mind. I opened the envelope and pulled out the necklace... And what can I say, Russell knew me. A Phoenix - yeah Russell really knew me. Outside of that, like I said a great deal of laughs and stories.
While I was out there, ten minutes into the time spent sitting on the back porch; Surveying the all 12 breathtaking achers that made up they're home land - What can I say? God dose great work. Anyways, we almost at once begin to ask about how everyone is doing and like last time they ask me how one of Russell's friends was doing ( I wont say who, or what exactly they asked about) I wish I had something to tell them.. I wish I really knew all the way around. I can't say it's not on my mind, about 50 to 75% of the time.... And in turn I ask them about one of Russell's older friends, one from way back I think when he was in Jr. High, maybe through most of High School.. I don't think they kept up near as well after graduation, but then again He had a way of keeping in just enough touch with people. I wish, further more that I was in a postion where I could reach out to others who knew him, wether their sorrow is from our loss, or that of many tragedies alike. Maybe one day.
*sighs..*
Then there is Saturday.. And What a day it was! I went out with a friend - DJ. And I think we started out thinking about maybe slumming around Houston, a little lunch, maybe some shopping, just killing some time before attending a Toga party. Yeah my thoughts exactly.... It wasn't really my idea, The day was just about getting out and clearing our heads and you know, just wasting away a Saturday, like most of us used to do.
Anyways, so DJ and I didn't end up dressed in bed sheets. Some how between lunch and diner we came to the realization that neither of us were ever very cool back in High School and the thought of attending a party themed around Ancient Greece and drunk college students (And that's themed - not actually a phrat party.. I hope not at least... *shivers* ) just was not the brightest idea He or I had ever come across. I mean that was just some bad flash backs waiting to happen. *shivers again*
So DJ and I went about doing well... I can't say we didn't do what we had planed to, because come to think of it, we didn't actually plan to do anything. So we slummed around Houston. It's good to get out and.. and.. and I don't know, just get out and goof off, doing nothing more then seeing the city.. and have I mentioned I love Houston. It's like Gotham, but with less Super heroes.
Not that a Handsome multi Billionaire(sp?) dressed like a 'Bat' running around with a Sexy sidekick with an I'll take you now smile and matching wit (yes I mean NightWing.) wouldn't be a nice and/or appreciated addition to the city of Houston. And come on Honestly guys, like a few women running around in Black Leather, high heels and whips, out to save man kind from the more earth bound bad guys isn't such a replosive thought?
So an Oaklies Store, 3 restaurants, And about three fountains later we say adios! And I think I stumbled back to my comfy bed around 3am. I can't really remember much after about 2 am....
Come to think of it, I hit the bed about 4 am Friday night as well. After meeting up for some late night sodas at some Dennys.. because after all, when was the last time you had good coffee at Dennys? I was really suposed to post in this new group I'm in.. I feel so bad about forgetting. : [ ! But instead I ended up with some on again off again conversations, looking over some really cool photos (almost 4 books/albums worth), having both the obvious and unobvious features pointed out for me. *soft sigh*
I really think all weekend long, I only had three people on my mind.. it's not easy living with a mind like mine..
WEEEELLLLLLL That was my weekend... and yeah I'll probably add more to this tomorrow, I usually do. All and all this was a good weekend. I've been happy through out most of it. Though trust me the waves have still hit me. Friday, despite some news that reached me dealing with the 'case' - of which sounded good - Friday still hit me with some strong waves.... *Sighs* every morning... and every night... if not all day.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On....
Let me explain....
I should start on Saturday, but Sunday has been far to exciting. I went out to The Reagan's tonight and wow, I mean I always have a good time, laughs and good conversations and plenty of stories to go around. Still this time was very important, because a gift that Russell had gotten me finally came in. He had told me before he died that he had gotten something for me, but would not tell me what it was, I knew it was jewelry - but past that point no clue. Honestly I thought it would be an Irish Sweet-Heart cross, like the one he had and loved so much; nothing even remotely close to what it actually was had crossed my mind. I opened the envelope and pulled out the necklace... And what can I say, Russell knew me. A Phoenix - yeah Russell really knew me. Outside of that, like I said a great deal of laughs and stories.
While I was out there, ten minutes into the time spent sitting on the back porch; Surveying the all 12 breathtaking achers that made up they're home land - What can I say? God dose great work. Anyways, we almost at once begin to ask about how everyone is doing and like last time they ask me how one of Russell's friends was doing ( I wont say who, or what exactly they asked about) I wish I had something to tell them.. I wish I really knew all the way around. I can't say it's not on my mind, about 50 to 75% of the time.... And in turn I ask them about one of Russell's older friends, one from way back I think when he was in Jr. High, maybe through most of High School.. I don't think they kept up near as well after graduation, but then again He had a way of keeping in just enough touch with people. I wish, further more that I was in a postion where I could reach out to others who knew him, wether their sorrow is from our loss, or that of many tragedies alike. Maybe one day.
*sighs..*
Then there is Saturday.. And What a day it was! I went out with a friend - DJ. And I think we started out thinking about maybe slumming around Houston, a little lunch, maybe some shopping, just killing some time before attending a Toga party. Yeah my thoughts exactly.... It wasn't really my idea, The day was just about getting out and clearing our heads and you know, just wasting away a Saturday, like most of us used to do.
Anyways, so DJ and I didn't end up dressed in bed sheets. Some how between lunch and diner we came to the realization that neither of us were ever very cool back in High School and the thought of attending a party themed around Ancient Greece and drunk college students (And that's themed - not actually a phrat party.. I hope not at least... *shivers* ) just was not the brightest idea He or I had ever come across. I mean that was just some bad flash backs waiting to happen. *shivers again*
So DJ and I went about doing well... I can't say we didn't do what we had planed to, because come to think of it, we didn't actually plan to do anything. So we slummed around Houston. It's good to get out and.. and.. and I don't know, just get out and goof off, doing nothing more then seeing the city.. and have I mentioned I love Houston. It's like Gotham, but with less Super heroes.
Not that a Handsome multi Billionaire(sp?) dressed like a 'Bat' running around with a Sexy sidekick with an I'll take you now smile and matching wit (yes I mean NightWing.) wouldn't be a nice and/or appreciated addition to the city of Houston. And come on Honestly guys, like a few women running around in Black Leather, high heels and whips, out to save man kind from the more earth bound bad guys isn't such a replosive thought?
So an Oaklies Store, 3 restaurants, And about three fountains later we say adios! And I think I stumbled back to my comfy bed around 3am. I can't really remember much after about 2 am....
Come to think of it, I hit the bed about 4 am Friday night as well. After meeting up for some late night sodas at some Dennys.. because after all, when was the last time you had good coffee at Dennys? I was really suposed to post in this new group I'm in.. I feel so bad about forgetting. : [ ! But instead I ended up with some on again off again conversations, looking over some really cool photos (almost 4 books/albums worth), having both the obvious and unobvious features pointed out for me. *soft sigh*
I really think all weekend long, I only had three people on my mind.. it's not easy living with a mind like mine..
WEEEELLLLLLL That was my weekend... and yeah I'll probably add more to this tomorrow, I usually do. All and all this was a good weekend. I've been happy through out most of it. Though trust me the waves have still hit me. Friday, despite some news that reached me dealing with the 'case' - of which sounded good - Friday still hit me with some strong waves.... *Sighs* every morning... and every night... if not all day.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On....
Thursday, August 12, 2004
A few Scattered Thoughts
I'm happy today - it may not last, I have a few phone calls to make to some friends, which could kill it really fast, but for now I'm tired, but I'm happy and no I don't know why.
I screwed up at work twice this after noon. I think two or three people may think I'm crazy.. Definitely one in particular. I might be, but not it the way they're thinking - I don't think.
I'm kidding of course
I'm just adjusting to all of this, it's not easy, but nothing ever is. Five months to go and 2005 will be here, well maybe Four months, it depends how you look at it.
I need to call Jonesy, I haven't heard any recent news on lil'John, but they say no news is good news, I keep praying for him, as I'm sure anyone who knows him, or knows of him is. And thanks to all out there who are.
I'm pretty luck I think. Russell, always said 'Spiral Out - Keep Going - Find New Things'... Ok so it's from a Tool song, but it was taking something he seemed to feel strongly about and putting it in to words. I'm lucky because I've been somewhat able to do that, all things considered. Slowly my energy is coming around to me; Thank God! That is the best thing about this week. I can't wait for this weekend, the first weekends of the new school year are always pretty good. I'll make sure it's good. It's all about balance.
To anyone reading this.. To anyone who knows me and has in any way shared my thoughts.. or given anything I've written any thought. Yeah it's all about my life, but it's sooooo boring here with out ya'll.
Thank You.
It isn't easy, but nothing ever is.
And a man once sang "All The Good Things Fade Away." But then again he also sang "Wave On."
no I don't know what that has to do with anything, just a bit of irony that may or may not be the reason I'm smirking right now - Figured I would pass that final thought along.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out ... Wave On...
I screwed up at work twice this after noon. I think two or three people may think I'm crazy.. Definitely one in particular. I might be, but not it the way they're thinking - I don't think.
I'm kidding of course
I'm just adjusting to all of this, it's not easy, but nothing ever is. Five months to go and 2005 will be here, well maybe Four months, it depends how you look at it.
I need to call Jonesy, I haven't heard any recent news on lil'John, but they say no news is good news, I keep praying for him, as I'm sure anyone who knows him, or knows of him is. And thanks to all out there who are.
I'm pretty luck I think. Russell, always said 'Spiral Out - Keep Going - Find New Things'... Ok so it's from a Tool song, but it was taking something he seemed to feel strongly about and putting it in to words. I'm lucky because I've been somewhat able to do that, all things considered. Slowly my energy is coming around to me; Thank God! That is the best thing about this week. I can't wait for this weekend, the first weekends of the new school year are always pretty good. I'll make sure it's good. It's all about balance.
To anyone reading this.. To anyone who knows me and has in any way shared my thoughts.. or given anything I've written any thought. Yeah it's all about my life, but it's sooooo boring here with out ya'll.
Thank You.
It isn't easy, but nothing ever is.
And a man once sang "All The Good Things Fade Away." But then again he also sang "Wave On."
no I don't know what that has to do with anything, just a bit of irony that may or may not be the reason I'm smirking right now - Figured I would pass that final thought along.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out ... Wave On...
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Yesterday was hard....
It would have been my 2 month mark with Russell.
I went out last night, I'm not saying it was a mistake, it wasn't. Just hanging out, meeting some new people talking on and off yesterday with others, It was a good distraction. If I hadn't... well I don't know. It's hard to say which days are harder, which anniversary; 1st, 10th, 15th or 21st. I'm trying to keep moving despite how I may feel when I wake up or fall asleep, and I am actually starting to really 'move' and I don't mean moving on past what I had and what happened, but just moving to where I can ... I don't know, Move?
Oddly enough I'm not sure how to feel about that... I went out, I 'moved', and I laughed. But I don't know how to feel about it. I wish someone could just tell me, but who to trust? Who's really right in this area of opinion and advice?
I'm glad I went out, I think. I admit the Marque... if I'm spelling that right - Isn't the best choice given that's where I went June 31st.. but at least it's not River Oaks.. Or the Museum District. All things considered it was a nice time, I'm glad I went.
Today was my first day back on the job for the school year. I like my driver.. The route is good.. The time is great.. I found out I might be picking up a mid-day, which I really did not want to do. I mean the extra 100 dollars a pay check can be nice, but it's stressful - Still I guess if I'm paired up with my regular driver then it would be ok, worth taking on.
It's going to be a long, long, long year.
And I'm still trying to decide how I feel about all of that and everything.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On
It would have been my 2 month mark with Russell.
I went out last night, I'm not saying it was a mistake, it wasn't. Just hanging out, meeting some new people talking on and off yesterday with others, It was a good distraction. If I hadn't... well I don't know. It's hard to say which days are harder, which anniversary; 1st, 10th, 15th or 21st. I'm trying to keep moving despite how I may feel when I wake up or fall asleep, and I am actually starting to really 'move' and I don't mean moving on past what I had and what happened, but just moving to where I can ... I don't know, Move?
Oddly enough I'm not sure how to feel about that... I went out, I 'moved', and I laughed. But I don't know how to feel about it. I wish someone could just tell me, but who to trust? Who's really right in this area of opinion and advice?
I'm glad I went out, I think. I admit the Marque... if I'm spelling that right - Isn't the best choice given that's where I went June 31st.. but at least it's not River Oaks.. Or the Museum District. All things considered it was a nice time, I'm glad I went.
Today was my first day back on the job for the school year. I like my driver.. The route is good.. The time is great.. I found out I might be picking up a mid-day, which I really did not want to do. I mean the extra 100 dollars a pay check can be nice, but it's stressful - Still I guess if I'm paired up with my regular driver then it would be ok, worth taking on.
It's going to be a long, long, long year.
And I'm still trying to decide how I feel about all of that and everything.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On
Monday, August 09, 2004
Better Get This Up Before Tomorrow
I can't say much right now.. I don't have much to say, but I figured I should drop a line - more so after the last time I posted on this page.
School starts up Wednesday - I found out I'm with E. McV. who's is a great driver and I look up to her because I know in some areas she, of course being far older then me, and having far more years of study then one such as myself, is very wise where particular subjects are concerned and I hope to use this year to learn anything she might be willing to teach me.
I also have The Pearl in my drive way finally. Oil changed and most of the maintenance out of the way. All things considered she runs really well... just one or two more things to be tended to before I have her inspected.
Yeah I know I'm referring to a Ford Ranger (truck) as a 'she' and as The Black Pearl, but it's the name it came with so in respect for it's previous own/keeper The Black Pearl she shall remain.
Outside of that, I'm not sure how much I should say at this time, but I've actually managed to Spiral Out a bit, even came across a few new and interesting people in doing so - I actually find one attractive.
I Feel Awful and a bit Uneased by that all at the same time.
Guess I get to see what comes about the new connections, though I'm not expecting much...
Don't know if I'm ready for much...
I'm probably not ready for this...
Actually I'm still trying to decided if whether or not I'm holding out for a different 'much'.
Perhaps one I might be a bit closer to being ready for...
Come to think of it, I don't believe or want to be ready again., I'm a bit sure I will never be 'ready' again...
But I'm still here, so I'm open... I'm going to try.. maybe I'm closer to ready then before... I could use a bit of a distraction right about now.
Out side of that, I'm learning quickly we sometimes take up strange favors for people.
Ever feel like you may end up regretting them?
guess i had more to say then i thought
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On
School starts up Wednesday - I found out I'm with E. McV. who's is a great driver and I look up to her because I know in some areas she, of course being far older then me, and having far more years of study then one such as myself, is very wise where particular subjects are concerned and I hope to use this year to learn anything she might be willing to teach me.
I also have The Pearl in my drive way finally. Oil changed and most of the maintenance out of the way. All things considered she runs really well... just one or two more things to be tended to before I have her inspected.
Yeah I know I'm referring to a Ford Ranger (truck) as a 'she' and as The Black Pearl, but it's the name it came with so in respect for it's previous own/keeper The Black Pearl she shall remain.
Outside of that, I'm not sure how much I should say at this time, but I've actually managed to Spiral Out a bit, even came across a few new and interesting people in doing so - I actually find one attractive.
I Feel Awful and a bit Uneased by that all at the same time.
Guess I get to see what comes about the new connections, though I'm not expecting much...
Don't know if I'm ready for much...
I'm probably not ready for this...
Actually I'm still trying to decided if whether or not I'm holding out for a different 'much'.
Perhaps one I might be a bit closer to being ready for...
Come to think of it, I don't believe or want to be ready again., I'm a bit sure I will never be 'ready' again...
But I'm still here, so I'm open... I'm going to try.. maybe I'm closer to ready then before... I could use a bit of a distraction right about now.
Out side of that, I'm learning quickly we sometimes take up strange favors for people.
Ever feel like you may end up regretting them?
guess i had more to say then i thought
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out... Wave On
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Bad Days....
This will probably be my last post for a day or two... I think, unless my luck really really turns around for me, but come to think of it, the way my luck runs? What are the odds of that happening....
Well yesterday I started my cycle.... Yeah not exactly what you want to read right? Trust me I'm only sharing that news because it gives me the conformation I wanted... though I didn't want that answer. I wanted to be pregnant, but like with all good things that have almost happened to me - It didn't and so I am not. And God, I really wanted to be, but again I guess it's not meant to be, I guess I meant to do something else... I wonder what.. I'm scared to find out. I really really don't want to end up like everyone thought I would.... I actually want to marry and have kids... I wanted that with Russell, but now I wonder if I'll have it with anyone else.. I mean I will eventually date - but who? When? Will I ever have that kind of energy again? I hate this.. I really hate this.
So lets see what else? I know there is more that has gone wrong. I mean there was some trouble with my bank, so now I'm playing catch up. I guess the hair cut and color will be pushed back... and I can only hope that I will eventually Drink today. I've never been really drunk - I don't think, there is a chance I can handle it better then some, I have woken up with some really bad headaches after a night of friends and family, but not what I would consider a hangover... I think it's about time I raise the glass in a serious nature, woman on a mission.
I'll get through this.. I'm not sure how, but I will.
I think the hardest thing - and here is the Irony, is that I'm going through this alone, and I mean I have friends and family who are here with me, but no love... my love is gone, his death is the reason I'm in this position... Irony..
I admit I'm not about to do anything about it... I don't even know how long it will be before I can even attempt that again. It's not the idea of getting into a relationship again, it's the dating to reach that point. I hope who ever mister-second-meant-to-be is out there when I begin again, I really wont be in any mood to spend a life time looking for him... if he exists.
"Irony and Love blindside us all, but we only recover from one." I think that might be a direct quote from me, myself and I... It's what I was writing when Russell first approached me in May... talk about fore-shadow.
All I know is today better start to turn around. I mean I need some good news... I guess on an up side, I found out I'm actually considered a friend to someone I wasn't really assured on... that gave me a reason to smile. Of course that came before all the really bad news, but that's the black cat style, right?
I need to breathe... I need to get through this... I will get through this.. I'm just not sure how long it will take....
The Waves Almost Drowned Me Today...
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On...
Well yesterday I started my cycle.... Yeah not exactly what you want to read right? Trust me I'm only sharing that news because it gives me the conformation I wanted... though I didn't want that answer. I wanted to be pregnant, but like with all good things that have almost happened to me - It didn't and so I am not. And God, I really wanted to be, but again I guess it's not meant to be, I guess I meant to do something else... I wonder what.. I'm scared to find out. I really really don't want to end up like everyone thought I would.... I actually want to marry and have kids... I wanted that with Russell, but now I wonder if I'll have it with anyone else.. I mean I will eventually date - but who? When? Will I ever have that kind of energy again? I hate this.. I really hate this.
So lets see what else? I know there is more that has gone wrong. I mean there was some trouble with my bank, so now I'm playing catch up. I guess the hair cut and color will be pushed back... and I can only hope that I will eventually Drink today. I've never been really drunk - I don't think, there is a chance I can handle it better then some, I have woken up with some really bad headaches after a night of friends and family, but not what I would consider a hangover... I think it's about time I raise the glass in a serious nature, woman on a mission.
I'll get through this.. I'm not sure how, but I will.
I think the hardest thing - and here is the Irony, is that I'm going through this alone, and I mean I have friends and family who are here with me, but no love... my love is gone, his death is the reason I'm in this position... Irony..
I admit I'm not about to do anything about it... I don't even know how long it will be before I can even attempt that again. It's not the idea of getting into a relationship again, it's the dating to reach that point. I hope who ever mister-second-meant-to-be is out there when I begin again, I really wont be in any mood to spend a life time looking for him... if he exists.
"Irony and Love blindside us all, but we only recover from one." I think that might be a direct quote from me, myself and I... It's what I was writing when Russell first approached me in May... talk about fore-shadow.
All I know is today better start to turn around. I mean I need some good news... I guess on an up side, I found out I'm actually considered a friend to someone I wasn't really assured on... that gave me a reason to smile. Of course that came before all the really bad news, but that's the black cat style, right?
I need to breathe... I need to get through this... I will get through this.. I'm just not sure how long it will take....
The Waves Almost Drowned Me Today...
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On...
Friday, August 06, 2004
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Nothing Better to do?
Liquid generation is a fun site if you really have nothing better to do with you time. I like the quizzes.. of course being an 80's and comic book fan from time to time might have something to do with it, but if you really have nothing better to do and have always wondered what Marvel Comics character you are or How Much of an 80's fan you are.. I know a guy who made a perfect score on it once... What video Game character are you or what movie Villain are you, or many other 'what and how' are you's it's a pretty cool place to waste some time.I've personally been visiting it about once a month for a year now, and here's what I've got:
Marvel:
Black Cat (mostly)
Black Widow (second mostly
)Mystique
Scarlet Witch (pending moods I guess)
John Hughes:The Jock (from Breakfast Club - go figure)
Video Game:Lara Croft; Tomb Raider
And some others I can't recall or just wont bother to mention.. have a look it's a good waste of time....
Marvel:
Black Cat (mostly)
Black Widow (second mostly
)Mystique
Scarlet Witch (pending moods I guess)
John Hughes:The Jock (from Breakfast Club - go figure)
Video Game:Lara Croft; Tomb Raider
And some others I can't recall or just wont bother to mention.. have a look it's a good waste of time....
thoughts on thoughts to come
Well I have allot I want to say, It wont all get on here, but I sat up last night watching the Da Vinci Code documentary last night It's not the first time I've seen it, but it stirred up the same rants as last time. Ask my mom, she has to listen to me every time.hell any religious documentary that turns to the Catholic church as one of the flat 'Christian' perspectives - ahh who am I kidding, for any perspective is bound to get me going at a mile a minute. I will say I got a kick out of the 'First lord of South France, holding the origin story of the mother who's impregnated by the fish' story. Not hard to wrap your mind around all the apotheosis that spawned from that 'fact' for the nation of viewers - Symbolism being what it is. I have more I want to talk about where the book - the legends - the conspiracy and the Catholic church are concerned... maybe tonight.
I spent all day yesterday thinking about getting older - the way people today seem to feel about it. Most people seem to look at it as a bad thing - don't get me wrong I can empathize or relate - understand how they came about that mental state. Still for me I guess I look at it from two angles; 1) As a child growing up I had a very strong sense of my mortality. I never dreamt I would see 15 and not because of the impatience that raks most youths, but just for some reason or another I guess I didn't have the survival skills or whatever to actually make it to my 15th year of age. I'm no 20, so apparently I doing better then I imagined. Still when every new year rolls around on the 19th of January when I wake up and see my self in the mirror I think 'well lets try for one more' and yeah every year at some point on that day I think back a really even if only for a moment of a second think - Whoa.
2) And this one will either play off the first or contradict the first - to which if it dose again I promise, read this thing long enough and it will all even out in time - Each year, month, week, and day that passes puts me just that much closer to being done here. And after the past 5 years of my life - don't get me wrong, but for some reason or another when whoever and I were sitting down and blue printing my life out to them and my self at that time I can only say "What The F**k, Mate?" I mean come on! So keeping in mind that I carry around no karmic debt - as my numerology chart reads, I am yet another moment closer to getting what ever it is I came here to learn - studied, over, said and done with. And after this when I get back to good - to the beginning (so many Inigo Montoya quotes going through my head) maybe I'll have enough 'higher' sense in my being to stay there. Plus once upon at time I was told I would live half my life as an apprentice helping others realize their own dreams and the second half realizing my own - and I mean literally to the day cutting my life line in half. It's a depressing thought and a Really nice thought all at the same time. So I'm interested in doing the math when my life really starts to get good again - if it ever dose, I can't say I would be upset either way. I pray for OK, because any better or any worse I would not have a clue what to do with - how to handle.
On another note, I got a faint line today, with the at-home test... if by Monday it's not darker then it's back to blood work - Honestly a definite positive is all I pray for. Not for forgiveness for daily sins, not for safety, not for help. Every night all I pray for is Little John's health and survival and a Positive test result, that can not be questioned.I'll rant more later - I really have more to say, but energy being what it is...
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On
I spent all day yesterday thinking about getting older - the way people today seem to feel about it. Most people seem to look at it as a bad thing - don't get me wrong I can empathize or relate - understand how they came about that mental state. Still for me I guess I look at it from two angles; 1) As a child growing up I had a very strong sense of my mortality. I never dreamt I would see 15 and not because of the impatience that raks most youths, but just for some reason or another I guess I didn't have the survival skills or whatever to actually make it to my 15th year of age. I'm no 20, so apparently I doing better then I imagined. Still when every new year rolls around on the 19th of January when I wake up and see my self in the mirror I think 'well lets try for one more' and yeah every year at some point on that day I think back a really even if only for a moment of a second think - Whoa.
2) And this one will either play off the first or contradict the first - to which if it dose again I promise, read this thing long enough and it will all even out in time - Each year, month, week, and day that passes puts me just that much closer to being done here. And after the past 5 years of my life - don't get me wrong, but for some reason or another when whoever and I were sitting down and blue printing my life out to them and my self at that time I can only say "What The F**k, Mate?" I mean come on! So keeping in mind that I carry around no karmic debt - as my numerology chart reads, I am yet another moment closer to getting what ever it is I came here to learn - studied, over, said and done with. And after this when I get back to good - to the beginning (so many Inigo Montoya quotes going through my head) maybe I'll have enough 'higher' sense in my being to stay there. Plus once upon at time I was told I would live half my life as an apprentice helping others realize their own dreams and the second half realizing my own - and I mean literally to the day cutting my life line in half. It's a depressing thought and a Really nice thought all at the same time. So I'm interested in doing the math when my life really starts to get good again - if it ever dose, I can't say I would be upset either way. I pray for OK, because any better or any worse I would not have a clue what to do with - how to handle.
On another note, I got a faint line today, with the at-home test... if by Monday it's not darker then it's back to blood work - Honestly a definite positive is all I pray for. Not for forgiveness for daily sins, not for safety, not for help. Every night all I pray for is Little John's health and survival and a Positive test result, that can not be questioned.I'll rant more later - I really have more to say, but energy being what it is...
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Yo - I'd like to send a shout out to....
Lets try something different. Forget politics - Though - My thoughts before dealing with the Moore interview weren't actually directed at the interview it's self. I just wanted to post the link up for anyone who missed the interview or wanted to read it again or whatever. What actually got me ranting the way I did was the word 'children'. My personal pet peeve with the American society - at least the people I seem to run into in passing and the people that offer up their two cents in the media - it's like we are lacking Respect. Respect for our nation - For our leaders... but far more importantly for our Founders.. For our Founding beliefs. I'm all for our Rights - I'm just tired of 'people' telling 'm'e in so many words the things I believe and hold true to 'my' heart are are wrong of violate someone else's beliefs and so on and so forth. Now are my political and other views right and the rest of the worlds wrong? Hell No... but due to the way I have been raised.. Respect being a huge focal point in my up bringing, especially where America is concerned - deal very closely with the values and beliefs this country was found upon - so me and others like 'me' aside. For those who don't agree just remember, 'your' rights are 'your' rights. I will never ever try to threaten them because of the way 'you' feel or think, but try and remember how we all came to posses such rights - cherish and respect them - the way the worlds going - 'we' may not have them much longer.
NOW, that aside. I just finished watching a documentary on Heaven and Hell, dealing closely with the catholic church (don't worry I'm not even about to go there) ... It was on the History channel and it was titled "HEAVEN AND HELL" - duh right?
This documentary is very good, really informative. One of my favorites be it book or film. And believe me I have spent years and years and years up to my ears in this stuff. Ok - I'm only twenty, but ask anyone really knows me, or at least has seen my room or sat down for a round of religious debate - I've been at this since Sunday school. Bibical study has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. And I don't mean church on Sundays... I mean rows of books and years of listening, questioning and answering what I can to whoever asks, because others have done that for me. So this goes beyond house cleaning, art or anything - I'm only twenty, but there is nothing blind about my beliefs and about my faith.
So anyways, this documentary is fantastic - I mean it held my attention.. Well I mean it's good in comparison to others out there in main stream cable television. And, No I do not agree with half of what is talked about - still doesn't change the fact that it's good. Very good where History is concerned. But what has me awake now, What has me typing this now is - and I'm not about to say that there aren't books and documentaries out there that don't stress this concept, They are out there, just terribly out numbered by the others - The intimacy of the Christian faith. It's not nearly stressed. It's not a Catholic concept - Oh God No. It's really a non-denominational, maybe Baptist, definitely Judea-Christian way of faith. Level even if you must, I don't, but if you do. It really can be summed up like this; "Why Do You Believe In The Bible, In God, In Christ?"
And getting answers that do not involve the words Heaven or Hell, unless it starts out "It's not about heaven or hell." And that is not to say that You don't believe in heaven or hell - or hell, but that you have reached a level where that does not matter. And I gotta tell you more and more people I reaching that level of understanding and faith. No more, I believe because it'll keep the devil from beneath my bed - Now it's, Let the devil lay where he lays, bring him on and he will not detour me or weaken or strengthen my faith in God or anything. It's a "I'm Beyond That" mental attitude.
I personally think it's a good thing - You know, not living in fear? Trust me, controlling nations with fear is not a concept credited to the invention of Government. I just wish there was more time, film, paper devoted to it. Especially film - reach more people that way. Give them something new to chew on.
Oh and as for the people waiting for some new words from God - or more news on what's been going on since the bibical times - I would love to sit a spell and talk that one over. :]
Then again, that's just my opinion. Let's here from ya'll! Comment or Question. I 'm always looking for a chance to talk over this kind of stuff. The best way to strengthen your convictions is to seek out those who challenge them.
By The Way, Happy 40! Dad!
Happy ... well I'm not sure how old you are Aunt C!
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On
~ Oh quick note, took an at home test, just for kicks... I'm not sure if it's a positive if the line shows up in the wrong direction - I don't know. That would be my luck. It's slightly encouraging... I guess will know more in a few days... Fingers crossed ~
NOW, that aside. I just finished watching a documentary on Heaven and Hell, dealing closely with the catholic church (don't worry I'm not even about to go there) ... It was on the History channel and it was titled "HEAVEN AND HELL" - duh right?
This documentary is very good, really informative. One of my favorites be it book or film. And believe me I have spent years and years and years up to my ears in this stuff. Ok - I'm only twenty, but ask anyone really knows me, or at least has seen my room or sat down for a round of religious debate - I've been at this since Sunday school. Bibical study has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. And I don't mean church on Sundays... I mean rows of books and years of listening, questioning and answering what I can to whoever asks, because others have done that for me. So this goes beyond house cleaning, art or anything - I'm only twenty, but there is nothing blind about my beliefs and about my faith.
So anyways, this documentary is fantastic - I mean it held my attention.. Well I mean it's good in comparison to others out there in main stream cable television. And, No I do not agree with half of what is talked about - still doesn't change the fact that it's good. Very good where History is concerned. But what has me awake now, What has me typing this now is - and I'm not about to say that there aren't books and documentaries out there that don't stress this concept, They are out there, just terribly out numbered by the others - The intimacy of the Christian faith. It's not nearly stressed. It's not a Catholic concept - Oh God No. It's really a non-denominational, maybe Baptist, definitely Judea-Christian way of faith. Level even if you must, I don't, but if you do. It really can be summed up like this; "Why Do You Believe In The Bible, In God, In Christ?"
And getting answers that do not involve the words Heaven or Hell, unless it starts out "It's not about heaven or hell." And that is not to say that You don't believe in heaven or hell - or hell, but that you have reached a level where that does not matter. And I gotta tell you more and more people I reaching that level of understanding and faith. No more, I believe because it'll keep the devil from beneath my bed - Now it's, Let the devil lay where he lays, bring him on and he will not detour me or weaken or strengthen my faith in God or anything. It's a "I'm Beyond That" mental attitude.
I personally think it's a good thing - You know, not living in fear? Trust me, controlling nations with fear is not a concept credited to the invention of Government. I just wish there was more time, film, paper devoted to it. Especially film - reach more people that way. Give them something new to chew on.
Oh and as for the people waiting for some new words from God - or more news on what's been going on since the bibical times - I would love to sit a spell and talk that one over. :]
Then again, that's just my opinion. Let's here from ya'll! Comment or Question. I 'm always looking for a chance to talk over this kind of stuff. The best way to strengthen your convictions is to seek out those who challenge them.
By The Way, Happy 40! Dad!
Happy ... well I'm not sure how old you are Aunt C!
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out... Wave On
~ Oh quick note, took an at home test, just for kicks... I'm not sure if it's a positive if the line shows up in the wrong direction - I don't know. That would be my luck. It's slightly encouraging... I guess will know more in a few days... Fingers crossed ~
Monday, August 02, 2004
The Pearl
I don't know if anyone is reading this - cares or is keeping up with this, but today is Monday. And all I have to show for it is the color changes on this site. Why? Because blood work came back and the finds were inconclusive - at least not defined enough for a solid yes or no answer.. so what happens now? More testing - end of the week - back to the FridayMonday split. Though on the other hand, I'm coming up on the 6 week mark, about the time my Family Line should give way, my mother and I are making damn sure ineptness testing is being done. The at home kind - I honestly do not know what to think about this anymore. I still pray to God every night for a yes.. well you know how it goes. At last.
So, back to the colors! What do ya'll think? - Ok, so it's not much, just some simple HTML editing. But I'm one step closer and I like it. So just using the template I am, screwing around with the already set code, I can resize the Font and Change the colors! Gold Stars all around...... ? Anyways, nothing impressive - Honestly I'm just really happy that there are some many 'Gold' tones. What two colors scream PHOENIX more then Red and Gold?
I'll also be working on expanding to other pages soon. Plus the W.H.O site is in desperate need of some cleaning up. I was working on it last week - and all of a sudden I'm hit by a wave, and 'washed out' is putting it mildly.
Today also, the money for the truck did arrive. Now all left to do is take the money, make the pay off and the BLACK PEARL is mine. I'll have the loan money paid back by the end of October.. thanks to three paychecks in September. Then the Pearl will be mine again! Then - Then it really gets fun. I mean right off it'll need break pads and a sensor replaced. After it's paid off - as in off any record, it'll need newer tires and detail job and then I will eventually move on to sound system and image. I'm thinking - this may sound tacky, but it's better then the high flying fabric alternative - back window 'tint' in the Jack Rackham Pirate Flag or Henry Every Flag or the Classic Jolly Roger I'm not sure - I guess it's a matter of what can be found. I know I'll find something. I mean I still want to eventually get the old Hurst and 'Phoenix' outside and coffin the inside, but right now and in hope for a good while - It's The PEARL.
Outside of that - I'm back in the groups, full force.... Woo Hoo.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out.... Wave On....
So, back to the colors! What do ya'll think? - Ok, so it's not much, just some simple HTML editing. But I'm one step closer and I like it. So just using the template I am, screwing around with the already set code, I can resize the Font and Change the colors! Gold Stars all around...... ? Anyways, nothing impressive - Honestly I'm just really happy that there are some many 'Gold' tones. What two colors scream PHOENIX more then Red and Gold?
I'll also be working on expanding to other pages soon. Plus the W.H.O site is in desperate need of some cleaning up. I was working on it last week - and all of a sudden I'm hit by a wave, and 'washed out' is putting it mildly.
Today also, the money for the truck did arrive. Now all left to do is take the money, make the pay off and the BLACK PEARL is mine. I'll have the loan money paid back by the end of October.. thanks to three paychecks in September. Then the Pearl will be mine again! Then - Then it really gets fun. I mean right off it'll need break pads and a sensor replaced. After it's paid off - as in off any record, it'll need newer tires and detail job and then I will eventually move on to sound system and image. I'm thinking - this may sound tacky, but it's better then the high flying fabric alternative - back window 'tint' in the Jack Rackham Pirate Flag or Henry Every Flag or the Classic Jolly Roger I'm not sure - I guess it's a matter of what can be found. I know I'll find something. I mean I still want to eventually get the old Hurst and 'Phoenix' outside and coffin the inside, but right now and in hope for a good while - It's The PEARL.
Outside of that - I'm back in the groups, full force.... Woo Hoo.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out.... Wave On....
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