I do, But I don't...

Wow, three days - three long and not necessarily productive days. And yeah I know, but I never eally intended to have 'Three' become such a pattern number in my life (despite my long since past and still being forgotten love life ~ Pre-Russell of course). I mean honestly, I think my life path # is 6 and aside from that numerology I know my main # is 22. How the hell I keep coming up with three I'll never know.

I'm so far behind schedule online wise. To 'group' readers; I am so sorry, I swear I'm catching up today and tomorrow. I have actually began working on a few pages that will expand this thing. But having some HTML problems. I'm sure, soon to be remedied. My mom's exploring the wide world of custom T-Shirt design, and if I must walk around in a W.H.O. baseball shirt, I really would like to not have the cemetery land scape of choice on the back... So yeah I'm finally going to sit down pick up a pencil (Me? It's been over a month, but as of two days ago. I don't know) and finish the 'Online Skeleton' dude/design I was working on months ago. I'll have a link - or maybe even a picture up when I do. Also with Art - I was about to finally get around to writing the official notice of cancellation letter for my Art School - No, Not forever, I was just thinking till next year when I'm back on even feet again - But then I thought what the hell, why not give the 'balloon man' a go? I did and, I still got it. I mean I haven't even slipped at all. I guess that's just someone's way of saying 'Spiral Out Girlzy. So instead of the Cancellation letter, it will be a long ass letter to let them know why I'm sooo far behind the imaginary schedule lines. I will say since I am keeping to it, I'm sure as hell gonna work my fingers to the bones to catch up. No way am I not finishing by the end of 2006. And I'm still writing - Songs and Stories. And I still want to get a guitar and figure out how to play, so maybe I can set a tune down for some of this stuff I've penned down.

Report; Monday I had another 'I'm at work, but not entirely sure how I ended up here' Mornings. Comes from getting 2 to 3 hours sleep at night - and having a broken alarm clock - I knew it. I recall hanging out with DJ, I went to his place to see this monstrous monitor he had up for grabs.. Now I have a huge desk, but I can't even fit that thing on the table top of any surface of my room. And I know we met up with R&R, I had a good time, Spiraling Out and such. Most of my friends are pretty busy right now and/or live a good 2 hours or more away. So I figured why not hang out with a few new faces, I really had nothing better to do. Again I had a good time, but I felt like a Pirate out of Water; They aren't really Meta's, So religious discussions and such are out of the way. I didn't really talk about politics - Sticking to where I'm better acquainted - but if they're anything alike the other, It wouldn't have been a last conversation. - No, I'm not judging, just trying to feel out my surroundings. - Rock Music.. Music in general seems to be out, like you would not believe and Pirate, well after one exchanged comment from DJ I didn't even bother asking. They are more Hanging Out, Shooting Pool and trying to advance their careers type people. I didn't know that at the time, If I had I would have gone into more of the Freelance Art or Paranormal Investigator side of my life, rather then the I'm a Special Needs Transit Assistand side. Longest conversation that night, by the way, well with me at least. They are cool people, really. Good pool players and by some way, Some how, they can really set up a Song list on a Juke Box.
Tuesday, much like Monday. Here we go again, sort of night. Though some how, before my evening began, I mean right before I left to meet up with the others.. I found myself to have gone from borderline happy, to distracted and down noted in like 15 minutes. News about Lil'John came through, Jonesy called to see if I was still alive - I am. And told me what's what. I'm still not to worried about him, I mean he's doing well, from what I have heard of, and when compared to what I have read and studied up on. I'm just more worried about her. I don't know why, well I mean I know why, but y'know. If you don't, it's ok; they know me here. Some other news came through, nothing solid and stone set, but I hate What If's that are still possibilities. Foresight a bitch, only have it when you don't need it.
I've discovered I'm starting to grow reckless again. I haven't felt this reckless in almost a year now. Just have this need to make a big change. Possibly locational in nature. If it doesn't wear off, by the end of November; Well maybe I'll start saving up, and I mean really every penny I can. Save enough, by early next year, which I was planning to finally get out of this house by then, maybe really packing it up. And it's hard to say where I would go. Logically to head out to East Texas, I might be able to actually start buying a house. You know one of those places you could live for the rest of ever. Longview might actually be a place I could open a small press shop *sighs*. Slightly less Logic, I could go West, a bit more costly, but - I don't know. Then there is this side of me that could just as easily finish up the school year, with hope have the truck paid off and money enough saved and just take off. I mean I love Texas and no matter where I end up, before I die and/or where they lay my ashes down it will be home in Texas. Montana keeps popping up in my mind. I hate snow and yeah it's like 7 months winter in most of the state, but when I was 16, I sort of liked the idea of it, why it's coming back to me now? Who knows. Then there is Nashville, again I don't get it either. Maybe a music thing. This is the least on the thoughts scale. Salem or Charleston, I guess history wise.. haunted history especially. To many reasons not to go to New Orleans - despite the haunted locations all about. The art school I used to think about is in New Jersey, I really don't know. Either ways, It would be a long while, at least 6 months before I could even do anything crazy, I mean I have to keep logic where money is concerned.. I mean slightly more then I would have a year ago. I have family here, but friends.. they seem to be scattering. Lets face it, if I ever made it as an Artists, or whatever, I would travel anywhere, everywhere. And just see Ya'll around the 'Home Towns.' Odds are, this will pass before I could really take a serious step forward in any direction.

I wanted a reason. I found a reason. I lost a reason. I need another reason.
No matter which way it leads me. There are Reasons... I'm just looking for a really good one.
I swear I do know what I want, but then again I don't.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out...Wave On...