Well I have allot I want to say, It wont all get on here, but I sat up last night watching the Da Vinci Code documentary last night It's not the first time I've seen it, but it stirred up the same rants as last time. Ask my mom, she has to listen to me every time.hell any religious documentary that turns to the Catholic church as one of the flat 'Christian' perspectives - ahh who am I kidding, for any perspective is bound to get me going at a mile a minute. I will say I got a kick out of the 'First lord of South France, holding the origin story of the mother who's impregnated by the fish' story. Not hard to wrap your mind around all the apotheosis that spawned from that 'fact' for the nation of viewers - Symbolism being what it is. I have more I want to talk about where the book - the legends - the conspiracy and the Catholic church are concerned... maybe tonight.
I spent all day yesterday thinking about getting older - the way people today seem to feel about it. Most people seem to look at it as a bad thing - don't get me wrong I can empathize or relate - understand how they came about that mental state. Still for me I guess I look at it from two angles; 1) As a child growing up I had a very strong sense of my mortality. I never dreamt I would see 15 and not because of the impatience that raks most youths, but just for some reason or another I guess I didn't have the survival skills or whatever to actually make it to my 15th year of age. I'm no 20, so apparently I doing better then I imagined. Still when every new year rolls around on the 19th of January when I wake up and see my self in the mirror I think 'well lets try for one more' and yeah every year at some point on that day I think back a really even if only for a moment of a second think - Whoa.
2) And this one will either play off the first or contradict the first - to which if it dose again I promise, read this thing long enough and it will all even out in time - Each year, month, week, and day that passes puts me just that much closer to being done here. And after the past 5 years of my life - don't get me wrong, but for some reason or another when whoever and I were sitting down and blue printing my life out to them and my self at that time I can only say "What The F**k, Mate?" I mean come on! So keeping in mind that I carry around no karmic debt - as my numerology chart reads, I am yet another moment closer to getting what ever it is I came here to learn - studied, over, said and done with. And after this when I get back to good - to the beginning (so many Inigo Montoya quotes going through my head) maybe I'll have enough 'higher' sense in my being to stay there. Plus once upon at time I was told I would live half my life as an apprentice helping others realize their own dreams and the second half realizing my own - and I mean literally to the day cutting my life line in half. It's a depressing thought and a Really nice thought all at the same time. So I'm interested in doing the math when my life really starts to get good again - if it ever dose, I can't say I would be upset either way. I pray for OK, because any better or any worse I would not have a clue what to do with - how to handle.
On another note, I got a faint line today, with the at-home test... if by Monday it's not darker then it's back to blood work - Honestly a definite positive is all I pray for. Not for forgiveness for daily sins, not for safety, not for help. Every night all I pray for is Little John's health and survival and a Positive test result, that can not be questioned.I'll rant more later - I really have more to say, but energy being what it is...
Whatever Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On
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