i'm alive... really

Ok, I'm back and I'm alive...

First off, It looks like the X-MEN 3 story line will have something to do with, some organization finding a 'Cure' for the mutant strain - though it was also said something along the lines, that it's time for mutants to stand up and prove themselves, I guess by that it means that lines have to be drawn, on both the good and the bad, so I guess Wolverine can't be Mr Indecisive anymore. - but on the other hand, it looks like some PHOENIX stuff might play in, which is always the case - just when things can't get any worse, Jean has a Phoenix'y attack... I love it : ]

Secondly, well not much to say. I'm just gonna work Thursday, shop for my Christmas Eve look - I'm thinking a classy corset with something lacey for the shoulders, point shoes with high heals and either a cute skirt or a sleek pair of jeans to tie it in - but I don't know, wont know until Friday. Then it's family and Fun on Christmas Eve... Head out to Longview Christmas Day, come back some time during the week, and hope against hope, that some kind of New Years Fabulous Eve plans fall into my lap... other wise it's movies and bubbly.

TTFN....

King Kong and X-men

Ok, so I went and I saw King Kong.... And it really only truly left me with two thoughts, one of doubt and one of assurance; I am now more then ever sure that I am meant to write, and so what dose this mean I'm defective? - let me just start at the beginning....

Ok so if you live in Houston and or the greater Houston area then you know that December 14th wasn't only the day we were introduced in full to Peter Jackson's' King Kong, but also the day we caught up on our rainfall, and did so with avengence. And for some reason Nik and I never entertained the thought of an umbrella... So it's easy to understand how we ended up in a AMC (which I can't stand the amc theaters, but apparently no one else likes cinemark/tinsletown) with our entire bodies soaked in rain water, including our jackets, shivering and barefoot, apparently boots with zippers are not water proof and my converse all stars - well it speaks for it's self. We sit through about a half hour worth of bad music and terrible movie facts on a very short loop. I was never so happy to see a Diet Coke commercial on a big white screen sounding the arrival of the previews... Now I would like to sit here and give you along list of all the movies to come, but in all realities they don't matter because one Preview out shined and erased all the others from memory when the MARVEL logo glowed red on the screen, that's right boys and girl, it's the X-Men 3 trailer! Kelsey Grammer looks awesome, Ben Foster is sure to make his biggest break yet and what a wing span, only one shot of Anna as Rogue, thank God, JEAN is well no longer Jean ^^ , Wolverine as hot as ever, rock on Jackman... and the list of thrills that the new movie will promise goes on and on, and after recalling the Super Man preview I saw a few weeks ago, all I can say is Bryan Singer, you will not be missed! But Back to the point, the reason this began? KONG!
For a change in trend - this movie and more importantly it's cast has actually captured the characters.. Imagine a movie that's not about the actor's but the roles they play! Judging by Nik's reaction to the 'Actor' character in the movie, both of our reactions to the 'Director/producer' and my own personal take on the 'Author' played by of course Brody... this movie and the people and ape that make up it's story are spot on!!!
I wont sit here and waste space on the effects, because it's Peter Jackson, you can't get much better then that, and oh yeah Lucus fans, I said it, I went there : P
Honestly it's the perfect blend, though the role seemed a bit to serious for Jack Black he pulled it off, and even though there is some heavy psychology going on inbetween the lines for all you english majors ( and no, I'm not referring to the super obvious stuff) It really is a majestic movie that offers a perfect harmony from the Director to the Script writers to the Special Effects to even the Actors, do I know what life was like for everyone who worked on the film off camera? No, but on camera it came out as nothing short of harmony, something we haven't seen in such a very very long time.
I sat freezing cold in a movie theater, in seats I really could careless for, soaking wet, with just one to many sips of Dr. Pepper in me and did so for THREE HOURS AND SEVEN MINUTES! And would happily do so again, minus the soaking wet of course, but if push came to shuve.. lol
The only part about the movie that really disturbed me is the big ending, I wont say it, but we should all know it never the less... all the women were sniffling and clearing away tears from their eyes.. and I thought it was good, but didn't bring me to tears - maybe it was because I was to busy rooting for Brody. Who knows and Fingers Crossed.

Again, I left this movie wondering, why Didn't I cry.. and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am supposed to be a writer, will it be at first.. chances are no, but I'll take it at last.


(couldnotresist)

Movie-Extravaganza!

My computer isn't playing very nicely right now...

So yeah.. getting ready for Christmas... Yeah. Luckily I only have one last gift to buy - of course that's only if you don't count the three name tags and the bag of cat nip I told my mom I would buy if she springs for the collars. That's not to sad, right?

I can't wait for The 14th! King Kong... I mean how hot is Adrien Brody in this movie? And it's strange, because when was he ever hot? It's like all of a sudden, and possibly only for this film, so I'm sure I'll see it 4 more time before it leaves the theaters. Oh, yeah the monkey looks cool too. (j/k) Sweet Dreams all around then ehh girls? And yeah I know he's got like the biggest nose in Hollywood, but someone had to steal that title away from Hugh Jackman, and I've had good luck in the past when it comes to guys with rather noticeable noses and so it's not a turn off. - And yes, I am ignoring the fact we both have the same hair cut.... Sighs


Narnia.. Well I haven't seen it yet.. my list runs: King Kong, Walk The Line (i'll get around to it) and then Narnia.. Yeah I'm excited because it's based of classic kids books and like so I'm a wanna be young adult fiction writer and so forth, but like with most fiction, I haven't ever even touched on of the books, don't need to start now. I guess my biggest problem surrounding this film, isn't the film it's self.. but all the Media with their "Watch out Harry Potter, marinas sure to be an instant classic!" .. WTF MATE? Last time I checked, Movies didn't make Harry Potter a hit and the little wizard wasn't even nerospark when books from the Narnia collection were being passed around the imaginations of not only Kids, but fantasy lovers of all ages.


Curious George, of course has me curious. It just looks fun. Though I wasn't a fan of the children's book as a child - It still looks pretty cute. - I was more of a Polar Express kid... And no, I haven't subjected my self to the movie just yet.. if they can make Lord Of The Rings into a one of a kind master piece and then make not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 Harry Potter movies, and put out stuff like Tim Allen's Santa Clause movies... I see no need to have ever handed such a classic to the hands (lol) of computers all together... breathes


Off Movies and on to DVD's and TV productions, I still need to rent if not buy the WB's production of Felicity. The only American Girl I bothered with. And some how I need to either Rent or Buy HOUSE OF D. It's a classic in my eyes, and chances are in my eyes alone.


And since I've brought it up a few more times then I should... Finally here it is, my two cents on the no longer not so new Harry Potter flick. First off, Daniel Radcliffe is such a cuttie.. He's gonna make some lucky girl so happy and have some really nerdy kids with some hippie undertones ( so will Rupert, but with the Irish undertones) . The movie it's self is the best on yet, though I am still a fan of the third movie, I thinks it's the time travel twist of the third movie that really keeps me coming back to it. But anyways, despite mixed reviews, I really think this movie, the fourth in the series is actually rather good. Yes it worked hard, pushing way to much into way to little - so if you watch the movie - pay attention. And if your like me and didn't like the Second movie, try and not be so put off at the end of this new movie, when your not 'Ohhhhh'ing with the rest of the movie go'ers. And at last, if you didn't work at Atsroworld (more so in the entertainment department) you'll still enjoy the film, but if you did , like I and Nikole did, then you in for some hidden jokes, that I'm sure you'd be blogging about in you own little world like I am now.


In other news... I've began working on re-writing my two lost chapters.. wouldn't you know they'd be the two most jampacked of the entire lot of them. I'm giving myself to the first of march to have the first draft finish... I think I can, I think I can.....

I keep thinking one day after I hit it big, the world, or at least the small percentage that will make up my fan club will enjoy this collection of my life past, present and whatever I randomly decide will make up my Future.

So I keep writing and thankful for the few who do still read this in the 'NOW", without you, well I'd be kind of a loser.

As for now, my social life just did a 180. Hung out with A. for the first time in over a month. Given the fact we used to see each other at least 3 times a week, and spend almost every night this summer that the same Mexican restaurant and after parties and coffee shops. A month feels like forever. More so when we left on a bad note. And me and Nik who were getting along great, kind of took a wrong turn somewhere in the midst of the last two times we talked. I know it's my fault... And I think I can trace it back to a 5 minute conversation about miscarriages.. all science on the surface, but all emotional in secret. But I've been wrong before.

The sound track to my life right now is "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen. I'm starting to wonder if I am the only person left who still like the Boss.

I almost finished with Christmas shopping.

I actually went out on a semi date thing, again with the guy from like over a month ago.. Some call him Hottie (name) and some call him Cream Soda. (some meaning my friends, don't really know what his friends call him). It went much smoother, didn't spend the entire time comparing my self now to who I was when I was with Russell.. so yay for me) I sat down with him and watched about half of Reservoir Dogs (sp??) People have been trying to get me to watch this movie for well over a decade now. It reminds me of all the stuff I used to write in High School. So I can't wait to finish it... and as far as the guy.. I hope to see him again. Even if this doesn't go anywhere. He's going to be one cool cat to know.



I guess that's it for now..

WHATEVER TOMORROW BRINGS
SPIRAL OUT
WAVE ON

Dancing In The Dark....

It's late, I should be asleep right now, I have to get up early and work for a twisted group of people, all to earn a few lousy bucks. It's a job, it'll do for now. I'm 21, and this may not be the most confused I've ever been about life, but it's making the top ten. Two other times being once when I as about 13 before I realized what real writing was, working hard on my art, only to realize my talents were rather halfassed, in every area - from penciling to sinning. One of the other times, being of course when I lost Russell... now, is not near as dramatic as the first two, but you get the idea.
I was sitting back watching an interview with one of the guys from the Invisible Children documentary, and I think it's wonderful that it's causing a bit of a revolution in today's youth, Christian and non Christian alike. But I also recall the fact that a young boy was killed by a stray bullet, not to far from where Russell died. It's annoying to think, that slowly, but surely you can change Africa, but you can't change the north west side of Houston. I mean yeah sure, it'll change, everything changes, but in Africa it's a cause, Here on the home front, it's just time.
Now, a bit closer to home, I'm about to quite one job, to work again for KISD. Yeah, that again. At least it's stable, talk about full circles. I'm keeping the Three For One job until probably Christmas eve, so I can go see my cousins up north and not have to worry with getting back by some unreasonable deadline. As far as a two year plan, well still looking into Cosmetology schools, but also I've been reading up on the Air Force reserves. Someone suggested it to me years ago, over 4 years now to be exact... maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. Just a back burner thought. Just because I can't find a useful meaning for my life, does not mean someone else can't.
I'm also starting to regain a bit more courage where guys are concerned. At least I think I am, Nik seems to think other wise. I guess only time will tell there too.
I just want to be happy.... I mean I know I am where I'm supposed to be... I just thought being just over a month away from my 22 birth day, that maybe I'd at least be engaged by now... So that leaves me with 8 years to fall in love, get married and have a kid.... or any of those three in any order. In theory that should be no problem. But I hear it get harder as you get older.... This isn't a mid life crisis at all, or even a pre - crisis.... I'm saving that for 45. Just some quite concerns I'm working on for 25 and 30.
I need a little direction, maybe a Sign... any time now would be just great.

It feels so good to be so good...

Yesterday was a terrible day at work. The 'company' and I use that term very loosely! The company I work for has pretty much destroyed the moral of about half their workers, one of which being me. And yesterday out of a spite-filled revenge energy, I performed terribly on the job. Just happened to be the same day I get Mystery Shopped for the first time.
One of my two managers comes to confront both me and my coworker on this, each one of us taken to the back room for a one on one meeting. The one left behind, feeling certain the other, if not both of us were about to be fired.
Well since I was the second one to go have the '5 minute meeting' I kind of knew what I was getting into. And I wasn't about to back down, Not after the whirl wind day I had just pulled myself through. After my manager had said what they wanted to say, I apologized, but then took the meeting into a different course. Asking, with the exception of that day, had I angered either of my superiors? Had I said something, or not said something, that may have lead to the cause of my hours being so drastic cut over the past two weeks?? (all true, part of why our moral was so low) I brought the books to my manager and showed how the schedule was very off balanced, and even went as far to say, combining this with the pay day confusions as of late, well it's just really hurt our moral. I said.... And I added how I was going to bring it up at the meeting, since it wasn't only me, but a handful of others with the same problem.
Somehow, by the end of this 'five minute meeting' I was somewhat forgiven for my performance for the day and not only did I go from 15 short hours but to 28 and, one of my coworkers had his hours surprisingly doubled as well.

It feels good to be so good....

Spell Check has returned!

I enjoyed a very good 'no sugar' added meal yesterday. And drank way to much wine! Bringing back the old rule, I'm only an alcoholic when I drink - It's like I get tipsy and don't know when to stop. So gonna lay off just about everything liquor related over the next month, try and really limit my self over Christmas - I really think it's just the wine glass that I have trouble putting down. Perhaps rum would be a better drink.. I've only had one bad morning after a night of rum. A lesson learned and all the others have been great. Maybe that's the key. Not entirely a bad thought. Because a friend of mine says she keeps her wits about her with rum, maybe I'm about the same way. - Oh Well, not that it really matters. I drink a hell of allot less then I used to, maybe once a month, twice if an occasion calls for it. Mostly due to only working 20 hours or less each week.... I have to find a full time job.
I also have to buckle down, rewrite the 2 chapters I lost. Finish the damn first draft! If I hurry up and get these 2 behind me, I think I can finally have the first draft of my first children's/young adult book finished in 6 more chapters which I can probably have done by new year! And then all I have to do is Lock it up in drawer for about three months. Take it out and start working on the Second Draft. - I think I just figured out what my New Years Resolution is for 2006! Reaching the 3rd Draft on this book, and at least starting the second book. I have an outline for at least three I believe. Have all the character paths se out. The adventures are a bit rough, but in time it'll all smooth out.As soon as I get that third draft done I can also begin hounding publishers and saving up money if I actually have to self publish, so I guess my other goal is to go through all of my old note books, until I find the one with all my writers notes, or it'll be another 700 dollars in courses! Looks like I do have a busy year ahead!

Happy, happy Turkey Day, hunger pains will go away, when you hear the Pilgrims say, it’s Happy Turkey Day. Happy, happy Turkey Day, let’s all eat the Indian way, as Bastille and Cape Cod Bay, it’s Happy Turkey Day

Spell Check Has Vanished.. try and stay with me!

It was brought to my attention that i haven't written lately. (You know who you are :P) I appreciate the heads up.

The truth is, I haven't been on here, because I've been busy writing else where.. and no I don't mean my other blog the 1up (the game world through the eyes of a wanna be gamer) But rather working on both my Pirate Story and my (for reasons unknown to me) old comic book line, that I previously gave 5 years of my life to, why it now decides to suck my of whatever creative talent I have left, is unknown to me ... but a muse is a muse.

I also think I'm taking a turn to being more of a Carrie. All this writing and analyzing and myabe a Mr. Big of sorts peeking out from around the corner.

As well I also have a hellofa Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire review working around in my head. Expect that tomorrow or Monday. All I can say for now, is it's like invasion of the Bulgarians (sp?). And I have a few things to say about my day out and Ren Fest.

I also now work for Hot Topic aswell as the other 3 stores. And man, more on that later. This is just a heads up on things to come.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings, Spiral Out, Wave On

I'm looking at four pictures tonight and thinking about five pictures. Nikole, Cindy (Jonesy) and I were all sitting around digging through old picture boxes in search of not only our Younger Years, but the younger years of Russell and James and the rest of his crew and came across a small treasure I believed to be lost forever. A small folder with pictures taken by Russell in it. I don't have a scanner but I'll go ahead and describe the five pictures.

The first picture I'm looking at is of Cindy and I inside The Black Pearl (passed around pick up truck). Our hair styles are messy, our clothing casual, and the flash was just to bright. Out in the K-Mart parking lot. I'm leaning against Cindy, both of us facing the camera. She has her Tongue out licking the side of my forehead (eek!). I like this picture for two reasons. One, because it was a golden moment. Our first double date with Her and James and Russell and I, it's the only picture I have of us - not taken at her wedding. John was still a promising young hope inside her womb, and no matter how stupid we looked, we would never be more beautiful then we were at that moment, because our dreams had come true - we had both found happiness and that night we were all together. The second reason is because it reminds me of another picture, one I don't have right infront of me, but It's one of Russell and the 'Alpha Pirate' - J.S. Standing next to each other.. One with their tongue out and one with that look on their face. Practically brothers in a moment they would probably never forget. One of my favored pics of Russell even because it reminds me of Cindy and I in many ways.

The next photo is of James , down on the ground, same parking lot, same night. tie'ing a pulling rope up to the pearl. That night he was Commodore James - as we jokingly called him. He instead on the fact he would not let the night end without towing the pearl, with his own vessel ( ford pick up truck). Cindy and I watched that night as James in his 'Ship' pulled Russell in his. And we both stood their wondering how long it would take before the recked one or the other.

The next one, is of me sitting on my bed. In my room - one of the few pictures that were taken in my room before we repainted my house for quick sale. My room when it was still mine. Me on my bed, in my 'Pirate chasing Booty' baseball shirt, 120 pounds and never happier with my life. Loved my job.. Loved my guy... Loved my body.. Loved my talents... Loved my mind... Loved everything about me and all I had to look forward too... No truer words ever spoken. That night the unthinkable happened, Russell told me he loved me. And I said I loved him.. I don't think anyone ever thought he'd actually say it first.....

The final picture, when I first saw it, I thought it was a picture of Russell and his ex Locking lips... Until I recognized my Grandmothers doll in the background.. My book case.. My wall... Me! A picture of him and eyes in a messy looking but true kiss, Words can not describe the emotions that brings up in me.
It's been a long hard year and more. I miss him and I'm actually finally healing myself again. Taking someone's advice.. Be Better. I know now there is a possibility I may never have that again with anyone else.. I may never even have half of that with anyone else.. but That's ok. I had it at one time - a great deal of people can't even make that claim. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with out love - but even if I do, at least I know once in my life I was so lucky to have lived greatly and loved greatly - no matter how great the loss. I was blessed if only for just over a month.

I'm not sure if I should be happy about the following

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.8
Mind:	7.1
Body:	7
Spirit:	8.3
Friends/Family:	5.6
Love:	1.4
Finance:	4.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Putting the OY! In Boys!

The theme for this week has been all about the Boys.
So lets review!

Ya'll know about the 2 Boys who occupy my thought.. Mister Mystery and the cute cowboy I'll never see again. And it's while I'm so busy thinking about them that, that time of the month rolls around and Mr. Would-be-perfect-if-not-a-Scorpio, pops up again, right on our strange little schedule. He wants to meet up mid month, which is so unlike us! Meanwhile - Flashing Forward to one of my Online hotties, trying to get to know him. He's slowly stopped thinking of me as a girl and start thinking of me as Phoenix. Which means he's more comfortable with me and is beginning to trust me more. But is being JUST Phoenix the same thing as being JUST friends? Not that it matters, he wants a girl who doesn't drink, who doesn't want kids - So Aries of him. And finding time to keep up with my Navy Boy is like finding ways not to laugh at those lil' bellbottoms. Plus some new guy - totally friend material has invited me and anyone I know to some BigToDo down at some club in down town - Could be Fun, Wanna Come? Drop me a line before the 24 of November for more info.
All I know is if I hear "Iris", "Sunday Morning", "In The Air Tonight", "Out Of The Blue", or "Tears in Heaven" one more time I just might break down and really lose my job. Curse You Sunny 99.1!
To make matters worse a guy from 2 stores down came into tonight to buy a New England, Van Gogh, and Oriental Seas calendar. With a Love for the north in the fall, and great taste in art - Now if he turns out to be a Red Sox fan I might just ask him to marry me on the spot. LOL. And the UPS guy ignores me one day, bites my head off the next and flirts with me the next - He has to be a Cancer or I'm in for a fun 2 Months!

Pissing the world off one person at a time...

I found my self again today in a store for several hours on end, a store that celebrates individuality month by month, week by week or day by day. Complete with a rather large selection of "Lets make fun of Bush" Calendars and not one "Crazy Liberals" calendar...Now, I'm not totally ignorant to the great big World around me, I know it's not called the liberal arts for nothing, lol, just remind me what state is this again? And it's not like you could say "Well if Bush wasn't such a 'Wizard of Words'(all sarcastically) there wouldn't be so many." Ya'll are probably right, What we really needed was a 'Master Inventor' like Gore. Or a man like Kerry, who can't please everyone all of the time, but if you give him 2 seconds! I'm not saying Bush is good, Not saying he's Bad. Was he Ideal? No, but I bet many would agree our other choices were either. Damned if we do, Damned if we don't - So can we save future debates for, oh I don't know - The Future?? Surprisingly I found a more common thread amongst me and my more left leaning friends - John McKane at one point was the man of the hour for all of our hours all once upon a time.

Just a bit of fun...






What Outlaw Star Character Are You?


Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.

And a Bit more... I don't actually agree with most of it...






What is Your Outlaw Star Personality Disorder?



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More Fun...





What Yu-Gi-Oh Duelist Are You?


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I'm going to regret this later...

"News has it your kind of a slut."
"Well, I'm no prude, but I wouldn't jump straight to slut."
"So your not a slut... and your not a prude - Then what are you?"
"Well I don't know - Can't there be a middle ground?"
"Well Ah, basically you could say your a girl who sees what she wants a takes it."
"That isn't what I had in mind, but yeah."

That's a conversation I had with one of the cowboys (not the cute one) over the summer.
Watching an episode of Sex in the City last night - The romantically challenged or Sluts episode. Made me think back to that conversation above. I'm younger then some of my friends and older then the others and have had more - er' - relations then all of them put together. And what exactly dose this say about me? Well lets review - out of all my relations, I said I loved over half, in all truths I actually loved only a quarter, thought I could honestly love the other quarter and yeah, one was a three nights stand. I was always safe about everything. So does that last statement say I'm easy, or Just unlucky in love? I've been at this since I was 16, and a part of me wonders if I'm destined to end up 40 with 40 - though to be truly honest, I hope to be with Mr. Right and with my 2.3 kids and happily on my way through a modern day happily ever after, trying not to become another statistic. Part of my misses the days when I could relate to a younger Samantha.. Part of me just wants to be more like Charlotte and I'm turning out more and more like Miranda, when I really should be happy to end up as a Carrie... oy! Although I'm not the naive child I used to be, I hope the 'Next' one might be the last, or at least I'm trying not to let my numbers reach the doubles - if you know what I mean. So I've had a few more then some and allot less then many more, is that any reason to burn me at the stake?

I don't know if I 'nailed' the job interview. DO we ever? If I get the job, the first three things I'm buying is: The up hill manual treadmill. At least the first 3 TPB for the Sandman series, and probably the new Narnia PS2 game, I suck at it, but I like it.

I spent all day Friday with Jonesy and Becca, searching for a monkey costume for Becca, ended up settling for a Bumble Bee. But I did get a cool top hat. And I had a bit of fun when Jonesy and Becca were in the rest room during lunch at the restaurant, and I alone enjoying a bowl of cream of rosemary potato soup with an empty stroller by my side.. old ladies walking up asking "Where's the baby?" and I taking a long look at the empty stroller and looking back to them. "Well that's interesting." as a reply... a quick chuckle and the truth to follow. I still have to go back to Jonesy, left my car keys and jacket in her car... I think.

Saturday I ventured out to revisit the old comic book store in traders village, catching up on all the comic book gossip. Like Scarlet Witch going crazy and killing off three Avengers, on of which being Hawkeye, my all time favorite Avenger... hell I want to name my Press after him. And that Colossus is no longer dead, he was trapped, and his clone was the one who sacrificed himself for the Legacy Cure. Oh and Don't even get me started on the New Crisis on Infinite Earth. I'm now on pins and needles, Oracle might walk again ( the original Bat Girl, once paralyzed by the Joker, only to rise from the ashes as Oracle). And get this, The real Ian Churchill has began working from cover to cover on the new Super Girl... Oh My Gawd!

Sunday, I have nothing instore, so if you are bored, drop me a line or give me call. This day is for the rest of the world to catch up with me.

And Monday, I'm throwing a get together, it's open end invitation, so feel free to stop by my place for Pizza, Beer, Cookies, Movies and trick or treaters. It's not a Ball or anything, but it's a few good friends and a warm fire place.

Social life?

By the way, as of last week both Ambar and I officially became "Aunts" ... I can't get enough of Becca and hanging out with Jonesy has been a blast... and tonight over coffee Ambar couldn't stop talking about her 'best friends' new little girl... I just can't waite until they are both old enough for the Princess dresses at the Katy Mills Mall....

the act of Envy towards our closest friends will have to surfice until I can have my own little Saddie.. and well I'm not sure what Amabar wants to name her first daughter, but I'm sure it's something great, and not at all questionable in anyway...

Proverbial Mr Right

So I have a job interview tomorrow.. $9 an hour... 40 hours a week.... I could go to Cosmotology (sp? It's late) school.... I could move out and stay in Houston.... I could revisit the idea of HCC and knock the basics out of the way and then go on to Theater.. or Horticulture...

I was up tonight.. thinking about all the projects I'm taking on... The finishing of the first draft of the first the in the 'Pirate Boys' series (working title) and Rough work on the 6 shot script for "H" ya'll who know me best know what that is... My friends in Austin have been getting on me about not doing more with the Avrengers script.. my god, I mean you give them the idea and they want you to write it too? Seriously, it's an honor, to be working with such find young animators. I'm also scrounging up ideas for a cute little comic strip based on my life - if it were a sitcom kind of thing.....Oh and I think I've come up with a pretty good formula to help women like me get yet another step closer to finding the proverbial Mr Right. - I'm in no hurry to settle down, but I want my first Kid before I'm 25.. or at least have one on the way by the time I'm 26... I mean I can save kid #2 for when I'm thirty if need be, but the first one.. I'm not going to wait that long... Mr. Right or no Mr. Right. Oh and maybe a love story inspired by a Red Hot chilly Peppers song.

Fate has been pretty good to me.. minus the tragedies that have followed the blessings of course. I have fallen in love twice, and felt a handful of what passion had to offer... I think I am worthy of it again. Mind you it may take dropping these extra 20 pounds that Astroworld helped put on ( seriously, most of the girls put on at least 10 while working there)
I just have two guys I can't get off my mind....
An Actor I knew over the summer... I don't know where he's from, but he had that West Texas feel to him... His girl friend is very very pretty, and I as of late relating more and more to 'Miranda' just aren't, so I never even thought to take it further then a harmless crush... I'll never see him again, except for in the movies when he eventually hits it big.. and god knows he will... I mean I will never see this man again... ever... right? So why can't get him off my mind?
The second.. He knows I exist.. I know he exists.. We both think well enough of each other ( I think) that communication is possible, but getting together is like pulling teeth on either side... And the more I learn about him the more I realize only one thing truly sets us apart..one hurtle... back in elementery school I was really good at jumping hurtles.. and sure they became more proverbial as the years grew on, but never the less I hold my own still... but I'm just me, what do I know....

Well I know that there are three guys who have been occupying my time.. Russell as always.... the Actor I will never come face to face with again.... and my more stubborn version of 'Big'..... all of which I may never understand to the fullest extent the roles they've played in my lives no matter how big the role or how small.
I also know this... I don't lose sleep over anyone for no reason, no matter how intangible the reasons may seem.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings....
Spiral Out...
Wave on....

I'll post more later

So after calling in with Car problems Sunday, to get out of work, right before I leave to Austin for the day, my car decides to make an honest women outta me, by having the battery magically die. Taking $40 dollars out of my 6th Street Money. Still I managed - after finally arriving, Matty and I make way to Wendys for some kick ass fries, then on to see the Corpse Bride (my 4th time) and then 1 corona later we explore Austin.. some pics sure to come after I use the rest of the film. Finally after seeing what the down town had to offer on a sunday night, we settle in for some good food and some quality fun. The preshow entertainment included the hard to find Star Wars Christmas Specials.. the ones Lucas tried to have destroyed. Watching other people bob-for-beer and pumpkin carving contests. The show it's self was allot like Rocky, but without the actors. Matty was the loudest singer there. Seeing the movie again only made me adore and respect The Corpse Bride more. I mean I'm from the Nightmare Before Christmas generation.. I had the Burger King watches and everything! I'll be a die hard fan till the day I die - but seriously The Corpse bride shines on many many comparative levels. Then back to his place for 2 more Coronas and Sahara.

I've been working since my return... And I have decided that I now collect Ornaments, mostly variations of snow flakes ( we all need hobbies) ... I also plan to make minor improvements in my health (just to start). And I had a Job Interview today, so I might be quitting the Calendar/Game/Christmas crazy boring ring, for a job that conceits of me planning mall parties for girls 7 - 12, make overs included ( I swear it's a real store) and taking on new responsibilities as an unofficial Assistant Manager, making 2 dollars more then what I am currently making, with plans for advancement. Only 20 to 30 hours a week, but the pay increase tends to even that out. I would actually be incharge of a handful of High Schoolers.. Oh My Gawd! I miss it.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings.. Spiral Out... Wave On....

swing batter

Go ASTROS...

Turns out #11 is way hot - too.

Good job boys...

And special thanks to the man of the hour.. in my eyes at least...

Roy Oswalt

See ya'll monday...

Whatever Tomorrow Brings
Spiral Out
Wave on....

So today was an easy work day, all things truly considered. Things were quite on the calendar front and yet fruitful. A woman came in a put down like 150 something dollars all for Christmas... Calendars, their the gift that keep on giving the whole year through. :]

Online life is pretty laid back, I'm contemplating the idea of starting an new yahoo RPG group, designed specific for writers with a penned interest for fiction and just simply wish to further stretch their wings by interacting with story lines alongside other writers. All fun and games and just another way to keep from getting to rusty inbetween manuscripts and we all know the best way to free our selves from writers block, is to avoid it from the start. Oh and if anyone is interested in the group and wishes to join up, drop me a line under comments and/or e-mail me at Sterben_84@hotmail.com and we'll talk. By the way, just as an FYI, for anyone who actually reads this thing.. I'm still working on getting all the pages together, but for starters you can check out a coming attractions for January Nineteenth @ GALLERY and that is just the first of a few different pages I will hopefully be offering. At least now you can check out the friendly faces that fill my world with wonders. God knows none of us ever cease to amaze. Now if your not on the "GALLERY" page, no need to freit. It just means I don't have you in digital format yet, or I have no photos of you at all. And if so, shame on you for not keeping in better touch.

Upcoming plans for me involve the Nightmare Before Christmas Sing-ALong. Up in Austin, I'll be spending Sunday making my way up to the capital city of Texas. To relive my childhood in creepy song. ANd Though I really really wanted to go camping out at Ren Fest, it seems it's simply not in the budget, so instead, I'm planning on commandeering my mom's jeep, allowing 4 of my currently closest friends to come aboard and making way for a day trip to the Fair. Cute Elves, Sexy Knights and Tall Dark and Handsome Rogues look out - because we will surely be ladies fair on a mission for fun, and between the 5 of us, no decent male has a chance of not being spotted. ( now some of us are married and some our in committed relationships, so now if any of the significant others read this page, no worries. It's all eye candy, except for those of us who are single - then it's simply open season) Why make such a big deal about guys for this outing? Because once you get down to it, it's about if not The Main Thing we all at one time had incommon. Aside from all that I see work ahead for me a great deal of it.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings..
Spiral out....
and
Wave On.....

having a good day

By the way...

Go Astros.. making my days one game at a time.

If the Red Sox can do it - So can We.... ( not to offend anyone.)

I don't know about the rest of houston - but I always have my eye on 44 for the good times and bad.

16 tons, what'ya get?

First off. I can't believe my last post. I mean yeah that's how I'm starting to feel but I could have gone about that so much better.

Anyways, work has been hell, the first week of Fright Fest is over and done with. We have 5 or 6 Ushers... and only two are not complete idiots. That two is Val and I. Val and I get along great and she is adored by the cowboys. So what do they do? They separate us leaving me with the cowboy, who of which there are one or two who live to embares me. Example: My first moment out handing out show schedules - Crazy Cowboy who has a mic sees me walk out into the crowd.. what does he say over the mic to me? "Hey It's Lyndsey - Hey has that rash cleared up yet?" - ok, first off I have no, nor have I ever had in recent memory any rash of any kind. Secondly...I had to take it, I just had to stand there and hope no one caught that. Why, because even if I had a wise comment to through back at him - which I did - but wouldn't help me out, he has a mic... I do not. Next three days followed that same feel. It's getting better... we are all getting adjusted.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I'm pulling a serious double shift both days. Like 22 hours total. It's good, I can use the money. I'm calling in sick to work next sunday so I can drive up to Austin, spend the day with one of my most creative soul mates Matty, only to spend that same evening with him attending a Nightmare Before Christmas sing-along. All Rocky Horror style. It will be awesome.

work sucks, but if I make it from here through December, everything will be alright.

Whatever Tomoarrow brings... Spiral Out... Wave on....

Last Minute News

I spent tonight hanging out with Jonsey, and Becca ( her baby girl, my "niece") Which only made me miss the 'not so single life more'. I've been so depressed about Russell lately, but I've also started to wonder if it's also a matter of just being depressed over being single. I'm so ready to be happy again, Find that mr Right again, I'm done with rebounds. Yeah I know I'm young. I have so many years ahead of me. I'm not looking to be a mother of 3 by the time I'm 25, but at least married and thinking about the first child. Still looking for that Corduroy man...

Meanwhile my friend text's me "I found your Aussie". And calls me on her break several hours later. "He looks like Shaggy - Not the cartoon, but the movie version" and I think : Matthew Lillard, another Matthew Lillard look a like. She says "He works at UofH. And he's a student. And he has the Aussie Accent!, I found him for you. Only down side is he has a very obvious nose ring." I reply: Yeah and I drink and have a tattoo and don't care - he's an aussie, a shaggy look alike aussie! So I guess sometime next week somewhere inbetween Coffee with Alpha Pirate, and Nightmare Sing-A-Long with Matty, I have to find time to drive all the way into down town - to take a chance and ask him out. What on earth will I wear??

This is crazy, and it's only going to get crazier.

Words of Wisdom?

These made me feel better today... and my top five are well the top five listed... #1 is the best, those who know me best know why it's best.......

"You will do foolish things, but you will do them with enthusiasm." - Colette

"The secret to happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it." - Al Batt

"To sleep is an act of faith." - Barbara G Harrison

"Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they never committed." - Cornelia Otis

"To be independent of public opinion is the first condition of achieving anything great." - G W F Hegel

"It's always easier to fight for oneÂ’s principles - than to live up to them" - Alfred Alder

"It's alright letting yourself go as long as you get yourself back" - Mick Jagger

"Speak when You are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." - Ambrose

"If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size" - Sydney J Harris

"Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace" - Robert J Sawyer

"Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about 6 days, take a look around, then close them for the better part of their lives." - Stephen Baker

"It takes allot of courage to show your dreams to someone else" - Erma Bombeck

"What lies behind us, what lies in front of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it" - Confucius


Honestly I felt better earlier, going back down hill again... I just wish I could fasTomorrowd, y'know?

Whatever Tomarrow Brings...

what is with this month???

I really gotta stop watching movies... or maybe just going to theaters in general. I go to see the corpse bride last week, what theater do I find myself in? The same one where I was with Russell the night before he died.... when was the last time I was there.. that night.
I go see Just Like Heaven... I relate all to well with The leading Male Character. The line and this maybe slightly off - "I wasn't always this way." or "I didn't use to be..." pretty much sums up my life currently. You can say it 'Breaks' you.. you can say it 'Exhaust' you... you can even say it 'Damages' you..... either way it takes a hell of a long time to get better... and I don't think it's something you can do on you own....

The Corpse Bride....

Ok, I have seen this movie a grand total of three times now.. Obviously I think it's good.

Now, Exactly how good do I think it is?

Well right off, given the fact that it lacks the advertising and merchandising qualities of the Nightmare Before Christmas, and it relies greatly on the characters and animation rather then the story and song meadly and though it is at times at least I found it easily predictable, I think it's far more "CULT WORTHY" then it's predecessor, The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Now don't get me wrong, I love NMBC! a true Cult Classic, it's very well scored with wonderfully thought out songs to match, a true festival for the eyes and ears and the detailed animation is still without rival.

BUT! I truly feel there is something Special about The Corpse Bride... maybe it's because it echoes some of Tim Burrton's earliest and less well known pieces. Maybe it's the mini Johnny Depp. Maybe it's the fact that the characters are human in many wonderful ways, be them dead or alive.

All I can really say is this:
These are two completely separate movies in every way! Their creator and his influence on the character design is really all they truly have in common in my eyes. It is absolutely wrong to sit down to one and expect the other. Because if you do so you will be thoroughly disappointed in The Corpse Bride. If you can sit down in that theater and not have expectation in any regards to the Nightmare Before Christmas, then you will be able to truly enjoy The Corpse Bride for what it really is, A marvel in Clay-mation, and as simplistic as it may sometimes seem in comparison to NMBC, a marvel as well in Story and Character.

They are both quickly becoming my favorites, one because of it's impact on my childhood and the other because of it's impact on me as a hopeful young woman and artist.

What A Day of Highway Will Teach Us....

I thought I was going to be posting tonight about The Corpse Bride....

After just returning from a strange yet, not completely horrorible date, I find I have far more personal things to talk about.

You see I always figured when these things come up, that my biggest struggle would be resisting the urge to compare the guy to Russell...But it's actually the furthest thing from my mind. And oddly enough, I actually find my self compairing myself. Comparing who I am on the date with this new guy and who I was when I was with Russell. And lets face it, anyone who knows me knows I am nothing like what I was before he died. Hardly a shadow of who I was before. And I keep thinking I'll get back to good, I'll get back to the woman I was and then begin to progress again.. But I'm not, or if I am I'm not making any progress what so ever.

Before I met Russell, I had finally found myself. Figured out who I was. When I met Russell, I felt his presence in my life only assured me of all of that and more. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and I swear on paine of death, these are feelings I was harboring, perhaps secretly so not to seem too crazy, but none the less before his death. After his death I had a window of opportunity where I continued to advance even while depressed, my skills were making excellent progress. After John died, I kind of gave in and gave up. Now I'm finally ready to really really try again, I really want to get back to where I once belonged. But today kind of made me wonder if I even can. If it's even possible.... Perhaps that person is lost to me forever, and I'm supposed to walk another road for glory, but why... or better yet how. I knew only one real way, the ways that worked for me.

Honestly I'd give anything to just get back to who I was the night before he died. Even if it mean that once I get back there, that I advance no further through out my life, and remain an apprentice forever and ever, so what I don't care, it's worth it! Because honestly I feel the person who I was then is the best version of me that has ever been - I'm not sure I can really move on with my life until I get back to it, or at least match it in some way....

Weekend recap...

Lets see a few hours we spent before leaving Katy, consisted of me trying to figure out what few items I can take with me - measuring the depth of my soul and my willingness to go beyond the materialistic, not to mitchen opening so many old wounds from last year, just in time to spend 28 hours in a two car caravan on the open highway.

During the 28 hours (some of which was spent on back roads to avoid traffic) I only gained a greater depression, dehydration (the pearl is still with out ac) and my skin which I had finally got to clear up is right back to square one.

During my time in Longview, I realized there is absolutely nothing to do at night if your a girl.. so night one was spent with my Cousin Nikkie watching Emily Rose... again. The second was spent watching The Corpse Bride (more on that when I'm feeling better) both at maybe two star theaters at best. I did get my hair cut though I look like a Pixie again. Oh and Imagine how it feels to arrive in Longview just in time to hear the Hurricane shifted and is now heading for LA and East Texas.. oh happy sorrow.

Leaving day! My parents began arguing about whether or not we should leave, my dad wins and we leave. I guess they continued to Fight on the home, because they certainly haven't stopped since we got home. I believe they are on the edge of a Divorce. Doesn't' t really bother me anymore, as long as I'm not pulled into the middle of this - which they have attempted many times over. My Dad wants me to say my Mom's nuts, I'm telling him they both are. My Mom wants me to stand up to my dad about all his Angerment BS, - No thanks Ma, my days backed up against a wall are done. ( by that comment I'm not saying my dad was abusive - I swear he wasn't - just intimidating as hell) I'm just thankful my brother and I road in the pearl together. Because on the up side we now have a better relationship - the kind brother and sisters should have, united against the forces of insanity. My poor brother though, his snake couldn't take the stress and died. No one (mom and dad) seemed to care much about that either, just another tool to fight with. So Jake and I went to see Bewitched ( more later on) and ended up spending the rest of the night after mom and dad went to sleep watching Jay and Silent Bob and eating chips and salsa and drinking Coke and Rum.

And I am almost certain We haven't seen the all the fruits of this venture....

Just to let Ya'll know

Come Thursday afternoon ods are I'm leaving for Longview. With hope RITA wont destroy my house.

I hate the way my family reacts to things. They are worried about the hurricane... Yeah I am too. And fuck yeah I agree we need to get the hell out of Katy if it hits us. But I'm afraid they are gonna freak out and leave to early and the hurricane wont come and I'll miss work which I've already missed to much time as it is, and more importantly I'll miss the big final weekend before fright fest. TP's last weekend, my main groups final last weekend together, I'll miss Rocky! I'll Miss the Corps Bride, I'll miss everything all because they freak out way to early. I express this concern and all of a sudden it goes from ' no one gets left behind' to ' your 21 die if you want to die'. And a bunch of lectures about you haven't lived through it, and you don't know what it's like, And even if it does not hit, it will still rain. I mean call me crazy, but I'm depressed right now about allot of things, I have no medical insurance and there fore am not on my meds. I've been working hard, keeping myself together, but it's hard. And all I really need instead of lectures bordering on go F' Your self, your old enough to decide that if you want! I could really use just hint or promise that they will not freak out and swear they will wait until the last minute, they say they will wait until late Thursday, early Friday, but the way they've been talking, I'm really worried they'll bolt sooner then that and if this hurricane dose not hit, I'm very very screwed! I just hoped my sanity or at least my time put in for helping them with their sanity would merit a little more logical thinking or understanding put towards me.

I miss people like me...

I've been informed by the Alpha Pirate that this is National Talk Like a Pirate day or week or something... Don't worry I don't have the energy to really put forth a worthy effort. Since I began picking up where I left off in my Young Adult Story adventure, I'm all Pirate Tongued Out anyways.


Working on two scripts at once, the Kids Story... Pirate Themed. An Old Comic Book idea that took up a good 4 or 5 years of my life. I also have to write an Astro Profile for a friend. And work on 4 Art orders, due before the end of October. It feels good to work again.

No news where a Job is concerned. And this Hurricane possibly headed our way, could delay our house being sold further. I'm also trying to lose 10 to 15 pounds so I can fit into my TRINITY Costume for Halloween, not my first choice, but I already own the jacket.

I just heard that this fall is Astroworlds last season, ever as it stands right now.

life sucks.

Silliness aside

I'm really worried about what I'm going to do for work. At least Fright Fest will give me an extra day, about 40 something dollars more a pay check giving just over a hundred a week, but that's only through October. I want a job, I need a Job.. but I kindof wouldn't mind if one didn't come until November, or the one I get will allow me to have the first weekend of November off... because Ren Fest is going to be BIG this year. I'm camping with a group from Astroworld, but not just any of my coworkers, it's only the ones I really, Really like. And out all of them only one other person and my self have actually done it before, so that makes it my 'area' I can't wait.

I also have to find a costume for the big Halloween party. I'm thinking I might just have what I need to pull off that Black Canary look, just need the corset and a blode wig.

I'm also thinking about cutting my hair again. And dying it some kind of a dark black. And I want to get another tattoo small and either on the opposite leg of my last one or on the same, this one maybe something Native American for my grandmother. I still want my phoenix on my back. And as soon as I'm done with astroworld I'm repericing my ears, at least two in each. - I think I might be going punk or at least goth again. I can't wait. I'm so tired of being normal! Normal is not me.

I also saw Emily Rose, dear god if you do nothing else this week - go see that movie!

On the upside of all things this week the season premier of HOUSE is on this week, TUESDAY at 8PM

Sanity? I think not!

Ok, now for the moment I doubt anyone has been waiting for!

Summer is almost over, and frightfest is drawing closer.
I've already said good bye to some of my dearest friends.
And rejoiced in the parting of my enemies with no regards to there ends.
So now I seek out a job, to fill my week with work...
But with a move in hopes soon to near..
And my weekends to be spent filling people with fear...
What will come of me past the point of October 31st of this very year?

(yeah it sucks, but hey I'm trying)

I'm playing a trip across the states
Next year I'm off to Disney World and Can Hardly wait
O the sights I'm sure to see, will no longer be the passing dreams of these passing years
Venturing with me are some of my closest friends
It promises of course to be a thanksgiving that will soon be the most memorable I may ever have in all my given years.

(still sucking)

Well over a fortnight since I've been Gone
And though my heart still lingers on
I try my best to bring up some words to carry along
Who I am and Who I will be?
as long as neither of thee are alike the current me
I'm dreading the future as it draws continuously nearer.

(suck, suck, suck)

And so you have it some verse of song
and now I fear I must begone
and your forgiveness for my leave I beg of you
I promise truly to keep in touch
despite in the past I've shown little luck
I do care for each and everyOne of you here

And now it seems I've rambled on
It's truly time for me to say So Long!
And Goodbye before my leave grows further on
Fare well to you and one and all.

So sleepy....

I'm tired and just finishing up the painful task of reenstating my online life after a two week period of being missing...

This can explain more

Click Here

and no I'm not leaving the blog world, just doubling up

I'm still alive.

This week has been - unexpected.

I'm sure I will report more again soon, just be sure to know I am alive and I will bring more news at a later time, possibly monday. :]

I saw SKY HIGH last night... needless to say it's not for everyone, but I enjoyed it.

I don't know, there is so much I could say. So much has been happening and allot of it has been really funny. This past week alone at work has been the strangest and most hallarious I've had in a long long time. And thanks to all the new movie hype all my friends have adopted Superhero nick names like Tony, is now and will forever be Batman... and N. is now "Instigator" and V. is Seduessa and Golden Boy is now either "Fallout boy" or my fave "WillYouBeThereBoy" and since we always have someone coming in and out of our little lives we even through in an EnsignRicky (if I spelt that right) for defult. Yours truly has put her Phoenix name on hold and become "Back Ground Girl" Needless to say if i went down a list of possible superhero powers for anyof us, we'd all make the SideKick list.

The highest light of my week has been the news that Ben Foster is playing Warren Worthington in the new X-Men 3 movie... that Angel or Archangel for anyone who didn't already know. Joining him in the cast is also Kelsey Grammer as HankMcCoy aka BEAST. So Foster fans unite and give a sigh of relife, our main man is moving up in the world.

There are up sides and down sides to being "Back Ground Girl" at work.

Up sides:
You stay out of Gossip.
Your mistakes usually go unnoticed.
Your one of the first, people come to for opinions.
Plenty of time to ponder the universe.

Down Side:
You stay out of Gossip, so you lose you Mysterious Persona, because no one cares.
Your achievements and exceptional skills go unnoticed.
Your the last one people talk about.
Plenty of time to ponder your love life or lack there of.

... That's divine balance for you.....

good day

I have forgotten how good honesty can feel. Or how good it feels to just accept your friends as friends and throw away all feelings and urges to impress these people. Like today in the break room of Showcase, when a group of us were trying hard to convince leAder that she had on an occasion eaten the sticker off an apple without realizing it a couple of weeks ago (Keeping in mind odds are she probably didn't.. but since no one knows for sure, the moment of doubt is to be ceased for comic relief), we ended up talking about all the strange things we did eat (as kids), like worms... cat food... dirt.... and the things we did for money in Junior high, like licking the bottom of our shoes on bets and fancily backed dares. Or when Golden Boy and I proved our selves the two worst dancers while trying to attract people to the show. Sure I have a crush on Golden Boy and about a small handful of other guys, but today for the first time I actually just goofed off and stopped trying to impress him, and we actually had a good time producing a successful rain dance. Life just full of unexpected ironic, like how one of the best and most observant ushers I know, eat the sticker on a washington fuigi apple... and how despite helping to raise countless youths through out my life I can't even be trusted alone to guard Cotton candy for more then two minutes, because some how not dropping it is beyond my capabilities.

So we have established the fact that I'm alive. Due to longer hours at work, a wee bit of drama and a slight changing of future plans and of cores a disconnect of my room mates internet considering with the crash of his computer - I have been busy and unable to gain access to the online world.... how I've missed it.

General updates... Health, I think I'm doing fine. If I'm losing weight, it's slow going. I currently sport the "Six Flags Astroworld" tan. I have my first tattoo, a four leaf clover, with a P in the middle of it, on my right ankle... no color or shading, not yet at least.
Mentally, I think I'm fairly sane. Finally really feeling things coming back together. As soon as my family sells the house and moves, I'll move with them and immediately start on enrolling myself into some school, knocking my basics out of the way, and I'm thinking of studying theater... which the second thing I'll do once I move is find a community arts or animal rescue and volunteer, soul work if you know what I mean... Bottom line I need a change.
Social life, Eeek. I have a small group of friends... we are all nerds, geeks or general outcast, but somehow I have managed, by no fault of my own to be the only nerd in a group of nerds that gets teased for being a nerd. Hands down my social life isn't as unfortunate as my love life, but it's well on it's way.
Love life, I don't know where to begin. I have never had so much, go so wrong, so quickly and so frequently. I just can not catch a break.
Spiritually, I feel like i'm standing in a cluttered bed room, sighing lightly, just trying to figure out where to begin.

Bottom line over all, I'm lost.... but patience is a virtue and in time I will be found.

First off, I'm still alive...

So much has changed, like I now have a tattoo.

And so much more and it just keeps right on changing...

I will post again soon.

I'm ok.

I give up.

I honestly think that the best thing I can do for myself and the world around me is give up and return to the recluse I once was.

I feel like hell right now.

Oh I'll still keep this blog, I need some outlet.

I just give up.

thoughts

I can't sleep. Which is odd because I have had very little sleep in the past day or so. I suppose I have just allot of random stuff on my mind and no where to really put it all, well actually I have the perfect place to put it all, but it's random thoughts and beginning is hard. Still follow me if you dare for a walk through my mind in it's current state....

I have these two friends who are together, been that way for quite some time now. Argue, seems a bit more recently then the usual, but since our friendship is still young I wouldn't really know. Tonight at dinner they were at it again, almost made one of our other friends up and leave. I have a few more random thoughts about that later. Now I could say a few things dealing with Astrology.. I wont, because I can go one step better, these two remind me so much of my own parents, but in a slight reverse, and they've been together for 25 years almost. So all this bickering is to be expected and even if a perfect balance is achieved, it wouldn't help much, some people just need something like that to make life interesting.. if you thrive on debate and controversy, you don't devote your life to factory work, or truck driving, right? Then again, in my own life, in my own relationship, I hardly ever fought... just seemed like a waste of valued time.... maybe a character flaw of my own.

In slight relation, I look back on my position tonight as an observer. If I hadn't been there for the beginning, I may have just left myself... but what did I do? I stayed and some how convinced our other friend to do the same. Now looking back, despite tonight having a pretty decent end, I think back and wonder if I wouldn't have been better off to take his que and leave as well. Not even to follow him, just a break. I mean I had Mel Brooks movies waiting at home. Maybe we could use a break, last night was the first real time we all split. Leaving me a chance to get to know everyone a lil' better one on one. And I liked it, makes you feel more like a person rather then a piece. Anyways tonight seems to be a break night. One of us has a game and I might follow that lead and sit at home with fish sticks and movies, and a cold glass of Cherry Lemon lime soda.

A change is coming for the group I'm in. Not a bad or rather absolute change, just a shift in direction I can really feel it. We were all brought together for some reason. I truly think there is a greater picture here and if it's only for the summer, then this will be a summer I'll never forget. One of many.

I'm also thinking about Fall, after fright fest. Thinking about looking at some counseling position somewhere. Today a talented young man, told me I was the most awesome person of the planet today. An exaggeration by far, but it got me thinking - I'm always ready to help and assist the young. Right now I'm at an age where I'm not to entirely far off - But I don't want to be a Big Sister kind of thing. I know in today's society it sounds far fetched, but I want a off season job that allows me to pay the bills, while helping and inspiring others, at least inbetween books :P

That's another thing, I have to hit this book again. I know it's good, I know once it's finished I could probably sell it, if not self publish and market on my own, I have some know how, all that money two years ago wont go to waste. Even if it doesn't, I would love a bright white fresh and complete copy in a nice box where right on the title page I can read For Russell (sorry it took so long) Because as good as I am with scifi stuff and more adult stuff, it's always been my kids stuff that really catches attention, of those who don't know me. I'm not trying to set out to be the next Lemmony Snicket, but if that's how I have go about it, the you know I will.

Aside from all that, I have a great deal to think about in far more personal areas of my life. And I have to reach some conclusions on my next move sooner rather then later, while I still have any options at all left to me.

"It's in his hands, Out of my control. His Will, is what it is, and my dreams may be left aside. Still I can't possibly believe that He would hand out such a precious gifts as talent so lightly."

24 Hours

I still believe that time is natures most effective and most economical truth serum, at least in average ordinary life. Because when you find yourself awake for the 21, or 22 hour of you 'day'. Sitting alone on a couch with someone, who you have just spent at least the past 7 hours with in some way or another - you find your self saying things and hearing things that you might not have heard ever before if either of you weren't sleep deprived, and they are true, to a certain extent, because sleep deprived is still not drunk.

Last night when I was out with my group, I experienced something new. I felt our oldest member, was going out of his way to back me into a corner and say 'Tell us, tell us now, on the spot. Make up your mind give us something to hold you too. Tell us who we are, don't think about it, just be." proverbially speaking of course. But that same group of people consisted of some few that I wasn't ready to show them that side of me yet, I wanted them to know some other sides of me as well. Still I was cornered, no one was letting up, so I closed my eyes took a breath and began to not only explain why I feel I, the daughter of a Ghost Hunter had no creepy stories to tell... mostly the out line read "When you go seeking something, usually the desired reward affects you differently." Things that most people would find frightening, I find to be an every day occurrence, mostly because I expected it. And it didn't stop there I went all into the Metaphysical side of my practices. All this of course caught the attention of one of the people I knew it would, and kind of dreaded at the time. Which lead on to about 4 hours worth of sleepless couch time.

In the end a small group of people received a small crash course in Lyndsey(me) and who she is, some far more then others.

What happens now, only time will tell.
Am I a little frightened? Hell, yeah, I mean to me, this was kind of big.
And it will be another week before I know the full effects of that night.


Whatever Tomorrow Brings....
Spiral Out.....
And
Wave On....

Tools

Well I would like to start off today with a meditation point:

"For I Know The Thoughts I Think Towards You, Saith The Lord, Thoughts of Peace, And Not Of Evil, To Give You An Expected End." Jeremiah 29.11

This verse as most of you know helped me through losing Russell. And others much like it helped me when I lost my grandmother. And now I feel like I don't have much to get me back to where I need to be, where the bible is concerned. I know that's the stupidest thing anyone has ever read, because when you study the bible as I and so many others have and to such a greater extent, you find not many, if any moral - hell - life problems can't be overcome by the lessons given in the good book. Still for now I turn to where I left off in my studies, trying to help others to better understand the bible and it's purpose as a tool, one person at a time, because any more then that will sway my energy and then, who knows what. :]

Like for example, Astrology. Many believe the Bible speaks illy of it. To some extent this is true, at times it can be come more of a focus, taking worship, or even focus from God. And anything that can do that is worth mentioning as such. But I do not find it forbidden, or even something ignore. As a matter of fact I think the story of the three wise men give us every reason in the world to take an interest. Astronomy has already proven that the Star was a cluster of a star and two planets, that took place around the supposed birth of Christ. The wise men were obviously astrologers, or guided by people who were such. And isn't it a bit odd that in all the country that surrounded Jerusalem, how most like a great portion of the world at large, used astrology in day to day lives, but Jerusalem it's self stands out in history as being one of the few places where Astrology was never practied. Sure this could be another factor in the saving grace of the gospels story, one of many. Now that is a positive example, I believe the Tower Of Babel is a negative one. I've known many people, many well read men who believe that the Tower which was built to reach the heavens, was actually a tower built for the purpose of Astronomy and Astrology. It went to far, took focus from the true God and look what happened.

I said it once, and I'll say it again, The Bible is my anchor. The above is just one example.

For now, on a personal level. I need to bring my absence to an end. Become the person I once was. Continuing down this path only insults the ones who I have loved and lost, and fails those who knew me when and see me now and robs myself and others I know now of the true me.

Get back to where you once belonged.

I realized today that no one I know, or even remotely care about has any idea of who or what I am.

So my fault, I mean I've had a bad year - that's not an excuse, just a factor. I joke around and no I'm paying for it. I mean a drunk, 'experienced', and of light devotion are all words and phrases I would have never used to describe myself. I personally view myself to be allot like Constatine, with a slight influence of Samantha from Sex in the City. But it seems people see me a more of a Samantha with a heavy Miss Cleo influence. I know, totally not me at all.... I hope.

I'm a Capricorn, so right off - I know myself. And my outline of who I am above is very accurate from all my ruling perspectives.

I'm like Constaine in the sense that I'm of very neutral ambitions. While at the same time my reasoning and drive are so far unrelated to most around me that I feel very little need to go into analyzing or displaying myself to others. In my studies I am reclusive. And I'm not about to say I'm an expert, far from it, but I know my shit. This is my kung foo and it is strong. I spent my childhood as a niece of a man who mastered in Theology, I studied right along side my parents, guided by some well credited men. I was part of Katy Bible church for years, baptized by McDonald him self (no jokes). When it comes to all the strange Metaphysics, I had very skilled teachers guiding me along. I have forgotten more about the world outside our own then most of my friends put together will ever know (at least at this point). And in the house where I was raised so much of everything was part of every day life that I consider it second hand, and forget how unique my rendering has been. Possibly why I have such a hard time with people.

And yeah I'm a nerd. I mean just about anything odd you can learn about religion you can learn from the right comic book collections. But hey, even Gene Simmons used spiderman comics when he taught. The Davinci (sp? for now) Code has nothing on Warren Ellis and Neil Gamin.

So anyways, after finding all of this out today, and knowing it's views held by people I actually care about, really has me turning around and rethinking my summer planning. I'm slowly getting back into art, but It wouldn't hurt to speed that up. Hit the study books again - get back to where I was. Back to the person I am. I'm making some good friends here, and they deserve to know who I really am. And if for all of this, or even for nothing else.... simply to show those who view me as the above, can be put to place and realize that nothing about me is surface.

Yeah, in the end when it comes to having fun, i would like o be the Samantha in my own personal group, back in high school I was very much a Chandler. I mean everyone wants to be the cool and confident one, and when I'm in my circle of friends I can somewhat be that, more so as we all grow more familiar with each other and the ways of our own personalities, when I'm with people I trust I can be cool and confident. But in real life where the rest of the world is concerned, I'm a reclusive, with a bit of mystery and a hint of nerd, with an odd taste in fashion.

Spiral out.... Whatever Tomorrow Brings...... Wave On.....

Stop me if you've heard this one

Me and my big mouth.

What do Italians and Jews have in common? Some impressive sets of balls!
Pauddumppump.

That's right ladies and gentleman, I'm starring down the barrel of what is promised to be one hellofa game of Bachie Balls. After letting one crack about shuffle board run on and on with one of my Astroworld friends, the Italian. I find myself settling an argument about which culture played the game first (he's obviously Italian and I'm come from a Christian back ground that reflected Jewish traditions) , or which surface was better to play on, grass or sand ("you know what they say, where there's sand" - Robin Williams, bird cage) and can portoricans(sp?) and Hispanics and other people from various Latin communities actually enjoy such a game. One thing leads to another and this weekend's movie night - or one of the up coming movie nights will be appatized by a game of bachie.

Looking back on that sentence, I'm thinking maybe Robin Hood Men In Tights, wouldn't be such a bad movie to consider, that and the immortal Princess Bride, or even Arsenic and Old Lace.

I just don't know how I get myself into these things.

I have tomorrow off, which is good because I can get a jump start on cleaning DJ's house which is where I'll be for almost 2 weeks straight while he's in Norway. Hopefully R, will avoid the house so there can be more then just one movie night... yeah I'm party of a click now, kind of sort of, this isn't a powerful alliance, but that's alright, it's not power I'm interested in, but rather integrety and creativity. And moving on, tomorrow night I have plans to hit a west side coffee shop for some caffeine and jazz. My first chance to semi dress up since well forever and a day ago. I'm thinking pin Stripes.

On top of all of this I have developed a really stable crush on someone, who I'm steadily getting to know more and more, but despite everyone's mixed opinions I'm not going to act on it. Some people tell me to lay off and forget about it and others tell me to jump the poor guy because it's obvious to them at least that he wants me too, and since I lack confidence at the time being I'm just gonna sit back, lose the few pounds I gained, kick some ass a Bachie and see what happens from there on, on it's own. Yep the biggest question on my mind is if T and the Italian spend Halloween as Bat Man and Robin, do I want to be Black Canary, Huntress or Bat Girl since I'm sure A will be Cat Woman.... hey I may not have the best costume at the party, but if we all show up as a Batman cast? We might just win first place.

long days night

So before I get started, I want to say I'm sorry I haven't written. I've been working 10 to 12 hour days for two weeks straight now. And as of right now, I'm not due into work until 11:00 so I have time. I'm trying to distract myself now, because I woke up this morning mostly naked in bed... that's not the strange part, that's actually very normal. No, the strange part is, that I went to sleep fully clothed last night on a couch, and woke up in bed, mostly naked. And I just don't know what happened that caused me to end up there.... but I do know some where along the tipsy, 3 glasses of whine road my other room mate was home, so I'm also avoiding him now too.

Anyways, Astroworld has been so much fun! I have a new best friend, I just found out that despite not making lead... which I didn't apply for it, so I'm not worried about it.... I will be given a special ushers job, that has me based in both theaters, rather then just one like everyone else. Two days at showcase, and Three days at Western, so I'm some what told, so fingers crossed.

Still this year is the year of the Flirt at Astroworld. Which brings me too the FAB FIVE. Yes, the fab five are a small group of guys I have selected to be some what more specific targets for flirting this season, and who knows maybe more... I am so ready to move on, I'm not talking about a relationship, but If I can find someone to flirt with, hang out with or date with, that could hold the possibility of continuance, that would be nice for the off season. Still point to purpose, because of my Fab Five and my new friends, I'm trying to think of a Key Wording system here;

A = Best Asroworld friend.
T = Fellow Astroworld nerd.
The King = one of the oldest, but coolest of our click.
D, S, Val = are all work friends.

A Week Where Dreams Become Realities

So a very very good friend of mine graduated yesterday. Seven long years was this in the making, and all I can say is look out Hollywood. It's amazing how we can all be given the same amount of time to do something with our lives and all come out with so many different ends, even when we all start out in the same place.

Jonesy is due June 3rd. And knowing that I'm reminded of how even greats like Johnny Depp go through life lost, with out full purpose until their first son or daughter come along, and they realize why they were meant, and the rest is just siding on a life of Fatherhood.

Top Model this week showed us that even though a beautiful, yet mysterious exotic ballerina took home the glory and honor of being awarded America's Next Top Model, the home body young woman from Oklahoma standing as runner up, reminds us all that your gut instinct for what you want in your life, is probably right in the end, and no amount of fashion magazines or hours spent infront of the TV can prepare you for a career as a Model and that it dose take more then a pretty face, and as with all art forms, some things are simply forged in natural talent, gifts we take with us, no matter where we go from here.

Different Comforts

I think death changes everyone. Some it effects for a short time, others for a long time, and that's not to say the loss of a loved one comes with an expiration date, I'm actually trying to point on the opposite. Effects of a death will linger in us all, forever - until we reach our own evers. The temporary is just how much it all shows on the outside. A friend of my lost a loved one recently, the news had reached this person about ten minutes before they were due on stage. The show went off with out a noticeable hitch and after we were all left standing, wondering what to say and/or what to do next, this person was one of the many cancers I know and care about, and with a cancer, with most cancers, well I just had no clue on what to do or say. And in my moment to act, I feel as if what I offered, a very silent hug wasn't enough, or rather wasn't right. It had just been done from others and we are all different so our offers of comforts should have been different. I knew this, I learned this with Russell, when I was on the receiving end of allot of these particular offerings. So I should have come up with something different, more me. But a hug is a hug and not much from me. Still not even one show later and we are all laughing again. The pain was still there, common sense says it has to be, but you wouldn't have known, no way and no how. I'm now curious to see how things go after the closure is had. There is always the still moments between the death and the wake and further more between a wake and a grave side, The News, The Reality, The Severing. The loss of a loved one, in most situations is allowed three chances to leave it's effect on our hearts and souls, three attempts to alter us perfectly, in hopes of making us better or worse, or if only more aware. Still we are all different, much like the comforts we offer should each be different, so is true that no one death will effect us all in the same way. Even as a whiteness, and I think I speak for everyone in that tiny room on that day, even as a whiteness, we walk away ... Changed even if only momentarily in some way.

Random Thoughts Of A Time Much Simpler

So everyone can guess what I did last night. Honestly, did any of you actually go out and rent it yet? Despite the obvious alcohol influence over me last night, it's still one of the best Black and White films of all time, and sadly it was a bit ahead of it's time. A well thought out story, all I can say is if you rent it and watch it, then no matter how slow it seems, at least watch first 30 to 45 minutes, because like with all good stories, and bout 32 pages in, or in this case minutes is where the story turns and tweaks.

Moving On...

I'm thinking about doing a conjoined story blog or maybe going back to yahoo, I just want to put an edge to it y'know? Away for me to get back into online play while also displaying to the world that I actually have a talent. I miss being able to step outside of my self and step into the life of "Malcolm Evelynd O'Connell" Or "Iantha Harrison" or "Rick 'TEXSON' Southroad" or "Kittly or Saddie Blake" I miss that. But more then that, I miss the really talented people I worked with, because people who are capable of seeing the bigger picture even when dealing with something that will bring no more profit then the feeling of completion and a peace of mind, I mean those are my kind of people. And I miss all of ya'll. But there is still more like us out there. So it's either that, or.... I take an amateur acting class :P

Point and purpose, good characters do not deserve to die. More so when they are in their prime, because it took so much soul to bring them to life, and you know when They exist somewhere outside your own proverbial book, because of your influence amongst your peers. Then it's a good character. If I had full control over a comic book company and press, no matter how small, I know a girl in Louisiana and another in New Jersy and another in Ontario, and of course a talented man in Florida and a handful from both Pensilvania and right here in Texas who I would be calling up in a heart beat.

Because with the right team of properly inspired writers, there's nothing that Chris Claremont, or Warren Ellis or Jeff Lobe, or Joe Mad. or Alan Moore, or any other comic book great could have that couldn't match, with the right audience.

Ah Well in the words of Pat Green -

All The Good Things Fade Away