I give up.
I honestly think that the best thing I can do for myself and the world around me is give up and return to the recluse I once was.
I feel like hell right now.
Oh I'll still keep this blog, I need some outlet.
I just give up.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
thoughts
I can't sleep. Which is odd because I have had very little sleep in the past day or so. I suppose I have just allot of random stuff on my mind and no where to really put it all, well actually I have the perfect place to put it all, but it's random thoughts and beginning is hard. Still follow me if you dare for a walk through my mind in it's current state....
I have these two friends who are together, been that way for quite some time now. Argue, seems a bit more recently then the usual, but since our friendship is still young I wouldn't really know. Tonight at dinner they were at it again, almost made one of our other friends up and leave. I have a few more random thoughts about that later. Now I could say a few things dealing with Astrology.. I wont, because I can go one step better, these two remind me so much of my own parents, but in a slight reverse, and they've been together for 25 years almost. So all this bickering is to be expected and even if a perfect balance is achieved, it wouldn't help much, some people just need something like that to make life interesting.. if you thrive on debate and controversy, you don't devote your life to factory work, or truck driving, right? Then again, in my own life, in my own relationship, I hardly ever fought... just seemed like a waste of valued time.... maybe a character flaw of my own.
In slight relation, I look back on my position tonight as an observer. If I hadn't been there for the beginning, I may have just left myself... but what did I do? I stayed and some how convinced our other friend to do the same. Now looking back, despite tonight having a pretty decent end, I think back and wonder if I wouldn't have been better off to take his que and leave as well. Not even to follow him, just a break. I mean I had Mel Brooks movies waiting at home. Maybe we could use a break, last night was the first real time we all split. Leaving me a chance to get to know everyone a lil' better one on one. And I liked it, makes you feel more like a person rather then a piece. Anyways tonight seems to be a break night. One of us has a game and I might follow that lead and sit at home with fish sticks and movies, and a cold glass of Cherry Lemon lime soda.
A change is coming for the group I'm in. Not a bad or rather absolute change, just a shift in direction I can really feel it. We were all brought together for some reason. I truly think there is a greater picture here and if it's only for the summer, then this will be a summer I'll never forget. One of many.
I'm also thinking about Fall, after fright fest. Thinking about looking at some counseling position somewhere. Today a talented young man, told me I was the most awesome person of the planet today. An exaggeration by far, but it got me thinking - I'm always ready to help and assist the young. Right now I'm at an age where I'm not to entirely far off - But I don't want to be a Big Sister kind of thing. I know in today's society it sounds far fetched, but I want a off season job that allows me to pay the bills, while helping and inspiring others, at least inbetween books :P
That's another thing, I have to hit this book again. I know it's good, I know once it's finished I could probably sell it, if not self publish and market on my own, I have some know how, all that money two years ago wont go to waste. Even if it doesn't, I would love a bright white fresh and complete copy in a nice box where right on the title page I can read For Russell (sorry it took so long) Because as good as I am with scifi stuff and more adult stuff, it's always been my kids stuff that really catches attention, of those who don't know me. I'm not trying to set out to be the next Lemmony Snicket, but if that's how I have go about it, the you know I will.
Aside from all that, I have a great deal to think about in far more personal areas of my life. And I have to reach some conclusions on my next move sooner rather then later, while I still have any options at all left to me.
"It's in his hands, Out of my control. His Will, is what it is, and my dreams may be left aside. Still I can't possibly believe that He would hand out such a precious gifts as talent so lightly."
I have these two friends who are together, been that way for quite some time now. Argue, seems a bit more recently then the usual, but since our friendship is still young I wouldn't really know. Tonight at dinner they were at it again, almost made one of our other friends up and leave. I have a few more random thoughts about that later. Now I could say a few things dealing with Astrology.. I wont, because I can go one step better, these two remind me so much of my own parents, but in a slight reverse, and they've been together for 25 years almost. So all this bickering is to be expected and even if a perfect balance is achieved, it wouldn't help much, some people just need something like that to make life interesting.. if you thrive on debate and controversy, you don't devote your life to factory work, or truck driving, right? Then again, in my own life, in my own relationship, I hardly ever fought... just seemed like a waste of valued time.... maybe a character flaw of my own.
In slight relation, I look back on my position tonight as an observer. If I hadn't been there for the beginning, I may have just left myself... but what did I do? I stayed and some how convinced our other friend to do the same. Now looking back, despite tonight having a pretty decent end, I think back and wonder if I wouldn't have been better off to take his que and leave as well. Not even to follow him, just a break. I mean I had Mel Brooks movies waiting at home. Maybe we could use a break, last night was the first real time we all split. Leaving me a chance to get to know everyone a lil' better one on one. And I liked it, makes you feel more like a person rather then a piece. Anyways tonight seems to be a break night. One of us has a game and I might follow that lead and sit at home with fish sticks and movies, and a cold glass of Cherry Lemon lime soda.
A change is coming for the group I'm in. Not a bad or rather absolute change, just a shift in direction I can really feel it. We were all brought together for some reason. I truly think there is a greater picture here and if it's only for the summer, then this will be a summer I'll never forget. One of many.
I'm also thinking about Fall, after fright fest. Thinking about looking at some counseling position somewhere. Today a talented young man, told me I was the most awesome person of the planet today. An exaggeration by far, but it got me thinking - I'm always ready to help and assist the young. Right now I'm at an age where I'm not to entirely far off - But I don't want to be a Big Sister kind of thing. I know in today's society it sounds far fetched, but I want a off season job that allows me to pay the bills, while helping and inspiring others, at least inbetween books :P
That's another thing, I have to hit this book again. I know it's good, I know once it's finished I could probably sell it, if not self publish and market on my own, I have some know how, all that money two years ago wont go to waste. Even if it doesn't, I would love a bright white fresh and complete copy in a nice box where right on the title page I can read For Russell (sorry it took so long) Because as good as I am with scifi stuff and more adult stuff, it's always been my kids stuff that really catches attention, of those who don't know me. I'm not trying to set out to be the next Lemmony Snicket, but if that's how I have go about it, the you know I will.
Aside from all that, I have a great deal to think about in far more personal areas of my life. And I have to reach some conclusions on my next move sooner rather then later, while I still have any options at all left to me.
"It's in his hands, Out of my control. His Will, is what it is, and my dreams may be left aside. Still I can't possibly believe that He would hand out such a precious gifts as talent so lightly."
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
24 Hours
I still believe that time is natures most effective and most economical truth serum, at least in average ordinary life. Because when you find yourself awake for the 21, or 22 hour of you 'day'. Sitting alone on a couch with someone, who you have just spent at least the past 7 hours with in some way or another - you find your self saying things and hearing things that you might not have heard ever before if either of you weren't sleep deprived, and they are true, to a certain extent, because sleep deprived is still not drunk.
Last night when I was out with my group, I experienced something new. I felt our oldest member, was going out of his way to back me into a corner and say 'Tell us, tell us now, on the spot. Make up your mind give us something to hold you too. Tell us who we are, don't think about it, just be." proverbially speaking of course. But that same group of people consisted of some few that I wasn't ready to show them that side of me yet, I wanted them to know some other sides of me as well. Still I was cornered, no one was letting up, so I closed my eyes took a breath and began to not only explain why I feel I, the daughter of a Ghost Hunter had no creepy stories to tell... mostly the out line read "When you go seeking something, usually the desired reward affects you differently." Things that most people would find frightening, I find to be an every day occurrence, mostly because I expected it. And it didn't stop there I went all into the Metaphysical side of my practices. All this of course caught the attention of one of the people I knew it would, and kind of dreaded at the time. Which lead on to about 4 hours worth of sleepless couch time.
In the end a small group of people received a small crash course in Lyndsey(me) and who she is, some far more then others.
What happens now, only time will tell.
Am I a little frightened? Hell, yeah, I mean to me, this was kind of big.
And it will be another week before I know the full effects of that night.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings....
Spiral Out.....
And
Wave On....
Last night when I was out with my group, I experienced something new. I felt our oldest member, was going out of his way to back me into a corner and say 'Tell us, tell us now, on the spot. Make up your mind give us something to hold you too. Tell us who we are, don't think about it, just be." proverbially speaking of course. But that same group of people consisted of some few that I wasn't ready to show them that side of me yet, I wanted them to know some other sides of me as well. Still I was cornered, no one was letting up, so I closed my eyes took a breath and began to not only explain why I feel I, the daughter of a Ghost Hunter had no creepy stories to tell... mostly the out line read "When you go seeking something, usually the desired reward affects you differently." Things that most people would find frightening, I find to be an every day occurrence, mostly because I expected it. And it didn't stop there I went all into the Metaphysical side of my practices. All this of course caught the attention of one of the people I knew it would, and kind of dreaded at the time. Which lead on to about 4 hours worth of sleepless couch time.
In the end a small group of people received a small crash course in Lyndsey(me) and who she is, some far more then others.
What happens now, only time will tell.
Am I a little frightened? Hell, yeah, I mean to me, this was kind of big.
And it will be another week before I know the full effects of that night.
Whatever Tomorrow Brings....
Spiral Out.....
And
Wave On....
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Tools
Well I would like to start off today with a meditation point:
"For I Know The Thoughts I Think Towards You, Saith The Lord, Thoughts of Peace, And Not Of Evil, To Give You An Expected End." Jeremiah 29.11
This verse as most of you know helped me through losing Russell. And others much like it helped me when I lost my grandmother. And now I feel like I don't have much to get me back to where I need to be, where the bible is concerned. I know that's the stupidest thing anyone has ever read, because when you study the bible as I and so many others have and to such a greater extent, you find not many, if any moral - hell - life problems can't be overcome by the lessons given in the good book. Still for now I turn to where I left off in my studies, trying to help others to better understand the bible and it's purpose as a tool, one person at a time, because any more then that will sway my energy and then, who knows what. :]
Like for example, Astrology. Many believe the Bible speaks illy of it. To some extent this is true, at times it can be come more of a focus, taking worship, or even focus from God. And anything that can do that is worth mentioning as such. But I do not find it forbidden, or even something ignore. As a matter of fact I think the story of the three wise men give us every reason in the world to take an interest. Astronomy has already proven that the Star was a cluster of a star and two planets, that took place around the supposed birth of Christ. The wise men were obviously astrologers, or guided by people who were such. And isn't it a bit odd that in all the country that surrounded Jerusalem, how most like a great portion of the world at large, used astrology in day to day lives, but Jerusalem it's self stands out in history as being one of the few places where Astrology was never practied. Sure this could be another factor in the saving grace of the gospels story, one of many. Now that is a positive example, I believe the Tower Of Babel is a negative one. I've known many people, many well read men who believe that the Tower which was built to reach the heavens, was actually a tower built for the purpose of Astronomy and Astrology. It went to far, took focus from the true God and look what happened.
I said it once, and I'll say it again, The Bible is my anchor. The above is just one example.
For now, on a personal level. I need to bring my absence to an end. Become the person I once was. Continuing down this path only insults the ones who I have loved and lost, and fails those who knew me when and see me now and robs myself and others I know now of the true me.
"For I Know The Thoughts I Think Towards You, Saith The Lord, Thoughts of Peace, And Not Of Evil, To Give You An Expected End." Jeremiah 29.11
This verse as most of you know helped me through losing Russell. And others much like it helped me when I lost my grandmother. And now I feel like I don't have much to get me back to where I need to be, where the bible is concerned. I know that's the stupidest thing anyone has ever read, because when you study the bible as I and so many others have and to such a greater extent, you find not many, if any moral - hell - life problems can't be overcome by the lessons given in the good book. Still for now I turn to where I left off in my studies, trying to help others to better understand the bible and it's purpose as a tool, one person at a time, because any more then that will sway my energy and then, who knows what. :]
Like for example, Astrology. Many believe the Bible speaks illy of it. To some extent this is true, at times it can be come more of a focus, taking worship, or even focus from God. And anything that can do that is worth mentioning as such. But I do not find it forbidden, or even something ignore. As a matter of fact I think the story of the three wise men give us every reason in the world to take an interest. Astronomy has already proven that the Star was a cluster of a star and two planets, that took place around the supposed birth of Christ. The wise men were obviously astrologers, or guided by people who were such. And isn't it a bit odd that in all the country that surrounded Jerusalem, how most like a great portion of the world at large, used astrology in day to day lives, but Jerusalem it's self stands out in history as being one of the few places where Astrology was never practied. Sure this could be another factor in the saving grace of the gospels story, one of many. Now that is a positive example, I believe the Tower Of Babel is a negative one. I've known many people, many well read men who believe that the Tower which was built to reach the heavens, was actually a tower built for the purpose of Astronomy and Astrology. It went to far, took focus from the true God and look what happened.
I said it once, and I'll say it again, The Bible is my anchor. The above is just one example.
For now, on a personal level. I need to bring my absence to an end. Become the person I once was. Continuing down this path only insults the ones who I have loved and lost, and fails those who knew me when and see me now and robs myself and others I know now of the true me.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Get back to where you once belonged.
I realized today that no one I know, or even remotely care about has any idea of who or what I am.
So my fault, I mean I've had a bad year - that's not an excuse, just a factor. I joke around and no I'm paying for it. I mean a drunk, 'experienced', and of light devotion are all words and phrases I would have never used to describe myself. I personally view myself to be allot like Constatine, with a slight influence of Samantha from Sex in the City. But it seems people see me a more of a Samantha with a heavy Miss Cleo influence. I know, totally not me at all.... I hope.
I'm a Capricorn, so right off - I know myself. And my outline of who I am above is very accurate from all my ruling perspectives.
I'm like Constaine in the sense that I'm of very neutral ambitions. While at the same time my reasoning and drive are so far unrelated to most around me that I feel very little need to go into analyzing or displaying myself to others. In my studies I am reclusive. And I'm not about to say I'm an expert, far from it, but I know my shit. This is my kung foo and it is strong. I spent my childhood as a niece of a man who mastered in Theology, I studied right along side my parents, guided by some well credited men. I was part of Katy Bible church for years, baptized by McDonald him self (no jokes). When it comes to all the strange Metaphysics, I had very skilled teachers guiding me along. I have forgotten more about the world outside our own then most of my friends put together will ever know (at least at this point). And in the house where I was raised so much of everything was part of every day life that I consider it second hand, and forget how unique my rendering has been. Possibly why I have such a hard time with people.
And yeah I'm a nerd. I mean just about anything odd you can learn about religion you can learn from the right comic book collections. But hey, even Gene Simmons used spiderman comics when he taught. The Davinci (sp? for now) Code has nothing on Warren Ellis and Neil Gamin.
So anyways, after finding all of this out today, and knowing it's views held by people I actually care about, really has me turning around and rethinking my summer planning. I'm slowly getting back into art, but It wouldn't hurt to speed that up. Hit the study books again - get back to where I was. Back to the person I am. I'm making some good friends here, and they deserve to know who I really am. And if for all of this, or even for nothing else.... simply to show those who view me as the above, can be put to place and realize that nothing about me is surface.
Yeah, in the end when it comes to having fun, i would like o be the Samantha in my own personal group, back in high school I was very much a Chandler. I mean everyone wants to be the cool and confident one, and when I'm in my circle of friends I can somewhat be that, more so as we all grow more familiar with each other and the ways of our own personalities, when I'm with people I trust I can be cool and confident. But in real life where the rest of the world is concerned, I'm a reclusive, with a bit of mystery and a hint of nerd, with an odd taste in fashion.
Spiral out.... Whatever Tomorrow Brings...... Wave On.....
So my fault, I mean I've had a bad year - that's not an excuse, just a factor. I joke around and no I'm paying for it. I mean a drunk, 'experienced', and of light devotion are all words and phrases I would have never used to describe myself. I personally view myself to be allot like Constatine, with a slight influence of Samantha from Sex in the City. But it seems people see me a more of a Samantha with a heavy Miss Cleo influence. I know, totally not me at all.... I hope.
I'm a Capricorn, so right off - I know myself. And my outline of who I am above is very accurate from all my ruling perspectives.
I'm like Constaine in the sense that I'm of very neutral ambitions. While at the same time my reasoning and drive are so far unrelated to most around me that I feel very little need to go into analyzing or displaying myself to others. In my studies I am reclusive. And I'm not about to say I'm an expert, far from it, but I know my shit. This is my kung foo and it is strong. I spent my childhood as a niece of a man who mastered in Theology, I studied right along side my parents, guided by some well credited men. I was part of Katy Bible church for years, baptized by McDonald him self (no jokes). When it comes to all the strange Metaphysics, I had very skilled teachers guiding me along. I have forgotten more about the world outside our own then most of my friends put together will ever know (at least at this point). And in the house where I was raised so much of everything was part of every day life that I consider it second hand, and forget how unique my rendering has been. Possibly why I have such a hard time with people.
And yeah I'm a nerd. I mean just about anything odd you can learn about religion you can learn from the right comic book collections. But hey, even Gene Simmons used spiderman comics when he taught. The Davinci (sp? for now) Code has nothing on Warren Ellis and Neil Gamin.
So anyways, after finding all of this out today, and knowing it's views held by people I actually care about, really has me turning around and rethinking my summer planning. I'm slowly getting back into art, but It wouldn't hurt to speed that up. Hit the study books again - get back to where I was. Back to the person I am. I'm making some good friends here, and they deserve to know who I really am. And if for all of this, or even for nothing else.... simply to show those who view me as the above, can be put to place and realize that nothing about me is surface.
Yeah, in the end when it comes to having fun, i would like o be the Samantha in my own personal group, back in high school I was very much a Chandler. I mean everyone wants to be the cool and confident one, and when I'm in my circle of friends I can somewhat be that, more so as we all grow more familiar with each other and the ways of our own personalities, when I'm with people I trust I can be cool and confident. But in real life where the rest of the world is concerned, I'm a reclusive, with a bit of mystery and a hint of nerd, with an odd taste in fashion.
Spiral out.... Whatever Tomorrow Brings...... Wave On.....
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Stop me if you've heard this one
Me and my big mouth.
What do Italians and Jews have in common? Some impressive sets of balls!
Pauddumppump.
That's right ladies and gentleman, I'm starring down the barrel of what is promised to be one hellofa game of Bachie Balls. After letting one crack about shuffle board run on and on with one of my Astroworld friends, the Italian. I find myself settling an argument about which culture played the game first (he's obviously Italian and I'm come from a Christian back ground that reflected Jewish traditions) , or which surface was better to play on, grass or sand ("you know what they say, where there's sand" - Robin Williams, bird cage) and can portoricans(sp?) and Hispanics and other people from various Latin communities actually enjoy such a game. One thing leads to another and this weekend's movie night - or one of the up coming movie nights will be appatized by a game of bachie.
Looking back on that sentence, I'm thinking maybe Robin Hood Men In Tights, wouldn't be such a bad movie to consider, that and the immortal Princess Bride, or even Arsenic and Old Lace.
I just don't know how I get myself into these things.
I have tomorrow off, which is good because I can get a jump start on cleaning DJ's house which is where I'll be for almost 2 weeks straight while he's in Norway. Hopefully R, will avoid the house so there can be more then just one movie night... yeah I'm party of a click now, kind of sort of, this isn't a powerful alliance, but that's alright, it's not power I'm interested in, but rather integrety and creativity. And moving on, tomorrow night I have plans to hit a west side coffee shop for some caffeine and jazz. My first chance to semi dress up since well forever and a day ago. I'm thinking pin Stripes.
On top of all of this I have developed a really stable crush on someone, who I'm steadily getting to know more and more, but despite everyone's mixed opinions I'm not going to act on it. Some people tell me to lay off and forget about it and others tell me to jump the poor guy because it's obvious to them at least that he wants me too, and since I lack confidence at the time being I'm just gonna sit back, lose the few pounds I gained, kick some ass a Bachie and see what happens from there on, on it's own. Yep the biggest question on my mind is if T and the Italian spend Halloween as Bat Man and Robin, do I want to be Black Canary, Huntress or Bat Girl since I'm sure A will be Cat Woman.... hey I may not have the best costume at the party, but if we all show up as a Batman cast? We might just win first place.
What do Italians and Jews have in common? Some impressive sets of balls!
Pauddumppump.
That's right ladies and gentleman, I'm starring down the barrel of what is promised to be one hellofa game of Bachie Balls. After letting one crack about shuffle board run on and on with one of my Astroworld friends, the Italian. I find myself settling an argument about which culture played the game first (he's obviously Italian and I'm come from a Christian back ground that reflected Jewish traditions) , or which surface was better to play on, grass or sand ("you know what they say, where there's sand" - Robin Williams, bird cage) and can portoricans(sp?) and Hispanics and other people from various Latin communities actually enjoy such a game. One thing leads to another and this weekend's movie night - or one of the up coming movie nights will be appatized by a game of bachie.
Looking back on that sentence, I'm thinking maybe Robin Hood Men In Tights, wouldn't be such a bad movie to consider, that and the immortal Princess Bride, or even Arsenic and Old Lace.
I just don't know how I get myself into these things.
I have tomorrow off, which is good because I can get a jump start on cleaning DJ's house which is where I'll be for almost 2 weeks straight while he's in Norway. Hopefully R, will avoid the house so there can be more then just one movie night... yeah I'm party of a click now, kind of sort of, this isn't a powerful alliance, but that's alright, it's not power I'm interested in, but rather integrety and creativity. And moving on, tomorrow night I have plans to hit a west side coffee shop for some caffeine and jazz. My first chance to semi dress up since well forever and a day ago. I'm thinking pin Stripes.
On top of all of this I have developed a really stable crush on someone, who I'm steadily getting to know more and more, but despite everyone's mixed opinions I'm not going to act on it. Some people tell me to lay off and forget about it and others tell me to jump the poor guy because it's obvious to them at least that he wants me too, and since I lack confidence at the time being I'm just gonna sit back, lose the few pounds I gained, kick some ass a Bachie and see what happens from there on, on it's own. Yep the biggest question on my mind is if T and the Italian spend Halloween as Bat Man and Robin, do I want to be Black Canary, Huntress or Bat Girl since I'm sure A will be Cat Woman.... hey I may not have the best costume at the party, but if we all show up as a Batman cast? We might just win first place.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
long days night
So before I get started, I want to say I'm sorry I haven't written. I've been working 10 to 12 hour days for two weeks straight now. And as of right now, I'm not due into work until 11:00 so I have time. I'm trying to distract myself now, because I woke up this morning mostly naked in bed... that's not the strange part, that's actually very normal. No, the strange part is, that I went to sleep fully clothed last night on a couch, and woke up in bed, mostly naked. And I just don't know what happened that caused me to end up there.... but I do know some where along the tipsy, 3 glasses of whine road my other room mate was home, so I'm also avoiding him now too.
Anyways, Astroworld has been so much fun! I have a new best friend, I just found out that despite not making lead... which I didn't apply for it, so I'm not worried about it.... I will be given a special ushers job, that has me based in both theaters, rather then just one like everyone else. Two days at showcase, and Three days at Western, so I'm some what told, so fingers crossed.
Still this year is the year of the Flirt at Astroworld. Which brings me too the FAB FIVE. Yes, the fab five are a small group of guys I have selected to be some what more specific targets for flirting this season, and who knows maybe more... I am so ready to move on, I'm not talking about a relationship, but If I can find someone to flirt with, hang out with or date with, that could hold the possibility of continuance, that would be nice for the off season. Still point to purpose, because of my Fab Five and my new friends, I'm trying to think of a Key Wording system here;
A = Best Asroworld friend.
T = Fellow Astroworld nerd.
The King = one of the oldest, but coolest of our click.
D, S, Val = are all work friends.
Anyways, Astroworld has been so much fun! I have a new best friend, I just found out that despite not making lead... which I didn't apply for it, so I'm not worried about it.... I will be given a special ushers job, that has me based in both theaters, rather then just one like everyone else. Two days at showcase, and Three days at Western, so I'm some what told, so fingers crossed.
Still this year is the year of the Flirt at Astroworld. Which brings me too the FAB FIVE. Yes, the fab five are a small group of guys I have selected to be some what more specific targets for flirting this season, and who knows maybe more... I am so ready to move on, I'm not talking about a relationship, but If I can find someone to flirt with, hang out with or date with, that could hold the possibility of continuance, that would be nice for the off season. Still point to purpose, because of my Fab Five and my new friends, I'm trying to think of a Key Wording system here;
A = Best Asroworld friend.
T = Fellow Astroworld nerd.
The King = one of the oldest, but coolest of our click.
D, S, Val = are all work friends.
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