What A Day of Highway Will Teach Us....

I thought I was going to be posting tonight about The Corpse Bride....

After just returning from a strange yet, not completely horrorible date, I find I have far more personal things to talk about.

You see I always figured when these things come up, that my biggest struggle would be resisting the urge to compare the guy to Russell...But it's actually the furthest thing from my mind. And oddly enough, I actually find my self compairing myself. Comparing who I am on the date with this new guy and who I was when I was with Russell. And lets face it, anyone who knows me knows I am nothing like what I was before he died. Hardly a shadow of who I was before. And I keep thinking I'll get back to good, I'll get back to the woman I was and then begin to progress again.. But I'm not, or if I am I'm not making any progress what so ever.

Before I met Russell, I had finally found myself. Figured out who I was. When I met Russell, I felt his presence in my life only assured me of all of that and more. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and I swear on paine of death, these are feelings I was harboring, perhaps secretly so not to seem too crazy, but none the less before his death. After his death I had a window of opportunity where I continued to advance even while depressed, my skills were making excellent progress. After John died, I kind of gave in and gave up. Now I'm finally ready to really really try again, I really want to get back to where I once belonged. But today kind of made me wonder if I even can. If it's even possible.... Perhaps that person is lost to me forever, and I'm supposed to walk another road for glory, but why... or better yet how. I knew only one real way, the ways that worked for me.

Honestly I'd give anything to just get back to who I was the night before he died. Even if it mean that once I get back there, that I advance no further through out my life, and remain an apprentice forever and ever, so what I don't care, it's worth it! Because honestly I feel the person who I was then is the best version of me that has ever been - I'm not sure I can really move on with my life until I get back to it, or at least match it in some way....

Weekend recap...

Lets see a few hours we spent before leaving Katy, consisted of me trying to figure out what few items I can take with me - measuring the depth of my soul and my willingness to go beyond the materialistic, not to mitchen opening so many old wounds from last year, just in time to spend 28 hours in a two car caravan on the open highway.

During the 28 hours (some of which was spent on back roads to avoid traffic) I only gained a greater depression, dehydration (the pearl is still with out ac) and my skin which I had finally got to clear up is right back to square one.

During my time in Longview, I realized there is absolutely nothing to do at night if your a girl.. so night one was spent with my Cousin Nikkie watching Emily Rose... again. The second was spent watching The Corpse Bride (more on that when I'm feeling better) both at maybe two star theaters at best. I did get my hair cut though I look like a Pixie again. Oh and Imagine how it feels to arrive in Longview just in time to hear the Hurricane shifted and is now heading for LA and East Texas.. oh happy sorrow.

Leaving day! My parents began arguing about whether or not we should leave, my dad wins and we leave. I guess they continued to Fight on the home, because they certainly haven't stopped since we got home. I believe they are on the edge of a Divorce. Doesn't' t really bother me anymore, as long as I'm not pulled into the middle of this - which they have attempted many times over. My Dad wants me to say my Mom's nuts, I'm telling him they both are. My Mom wants me to stand up to my dad about all his Angerment BS, - No thanks Ma, my days backed up against a wall are done. ( by that comment I'm not saying my dad was abusive - I swear he wasn't - just intimidating as hell) I'm just thankful my brother and I road in the pearl together. Because on the up side we now have a better relationship - the kind brother and sisters should have, united against the forces of insanity. My poor brother though, his snake couldn't take the stress and died. No one (mom and dad) seemed to care much about that either, just another tool to fight with. So Jake and I went to see Bewitched ( more later on) and ended up spending the rest of the night after mom and dad went to sleep watching Jay and Silent Bob and eating chips and salsa and drinking Coke and Rum.

And I am almost certain We haven't seen the all the fruits of this venture....

Just to let Ya'll know

Come Thursday afternoon ods are I'm leaving for Longview. With hope RITA wont destroy my house.

I hate the way my family reacts to things. They are worried about the hurricane... Yeah I am too. And fuck yeah I agree we need to get the hell out of Katy if it hits us. But I'm afraid they are gonna freak out and leave to early and the hurricane wont come and I'll miss work which I've already missed to much time as it is, and more importantly I'll miss the big final weekend before fright fest. TP's last weekend, my main groups final last weekend together, I'll miss Rocky! I'll Miss the Corps Bride, I'll miss everything all because they freak out way to early. I express this concern and all of a sudden it goes from ' no one gets left behind' to ' your 21 die if you want to die'. And a bunch of lectures about you haven't lived through it, and you don't know what it's like, And even if it does not hit, it will still rain. I mean call me crazy, but I'm depressed right now about allot of things, I have no medical insurance and there fore am not on my meds. I've been working hard, keeping myself together, but it's hard. And all I really need instead of lectures bordering on go F' Your self, your old enough to decide that if you want! I could really use just hint or promise that they will not freak out and swear they will wait until the last minute, they say they will wait until late Thursday, early Friday, but the way they've been talking, I'm really worried they'll bolt sooner then that and if this hurricane dose not hit, I'm very very screwed! I just hoped my sanity or at least my time put in for helping them with their sanity would merit a little more logical thinking or understanding put towards me.

I miss people like me...

I've been informed by the Alpha Pirate that this is National Talk Like a Pirate day or week or something... Don't worry I don't have the energy to really put forth a worthy effort. Since I began picking up where I left off in my Young Adult Story adventure, I'm all Pirate Tongued Out anyways.


Working on two scripts at once, the Kids Story... Pirate Themed. An Old Comic Book idea that took up a good 4 or 5 years of my life. I also have to write an Astro Profile for a friend. And work on 4 Art orders, due before the end of October. It feels good to work again.

No news where a Job is concerned. And this Hurricane possibly headed our way, could delay our house being sold further. I'm also trying to lose 10 to 15 pounds so I can fit into my TRINITY Costume for Halloween, not my first choice, but I already own the jacket.

I just heard that this fall is Astroworlds last season, ever as it stands right now.

life sucks.

Silliness aside

I'm really worried about what I'm going to do for work. At least Fright Fest will give me an extra day, about 40 something dollars more a pay check giving just over a hundred a week, but that's only through October. I want a job, I need a Job.. but I kindof wouldn't mind if one didn't come until November, or the one I get will allow me to have the first weekend of November off... because Ren Fest is going to be BIG this year. I'm camping with a group from Astroworld, but not just any of my coworkers, it's only the ones I really, Really like. And out all of them only one other person and my self have actually done it before, so that makes it my 'area' I can't wait.

I also have to find a costume for the big Halloween party. I'm thinking I might just have what I need to pull off that Black Canary look, just need the corset and a blode wig.

I'm also thinking about cutting my hair again. And dying it some kind of a dark black. And I want to get another tattoo small and either on the opposite leg of my last one or on the same, this one maybe something Native American for my grandmother. I still want my phoenix on my back. And as soon as I'm done with astroworld I'm repericing my ears, at least two in each. - I think I might be going punk or at least goth again. I can't wait. I'm so tired of being normal! Normal is not me.

I also saw Emily Rose, dear god if you do nothing else this week - go see that movie!

On the upside of all things this week the season premier of HOUSE is on this week, TUESDAY at 8PM

Sanity? I think not!

Ok, now for the moment I doubt anyone has been waiting for!

Summer is almost over, and frightfest is drawing closer.
I've already said good bye to some of my dearest friends.
And rejoiced in the parting of my enemies with no regards to there ends.
So now I seek out a job, to fill my week with work...
But with a move in hopes soon to near..
And my weekends to be spent filling people with fear...
What will come of me past the point of October 31st of this very year?

(yeah it sucks, but hey I'm trying)

I'm playing a trip across the states
Next year I'm off to Disney World and Can Hardly wait
O the sights I'm sure to see, will no longer be the passing dreams of these passing years
Venturing with me are some of my closest friends
It promises of course to be a thanksgiving that will soon be the most memorable I may ever have in all my given years.

(still sucking)

Well over a fortnight since I've been Gone
And though my heart still lingers on
I try my best to bring up some words to carry along
Who I am and Who I will be?
as long as neither of thee are alike the current me
I'm dreading the future as it draws continuously nearer.

(suck, suck, suck)

And so you have it some verse of song
and now I fear I must begone
and your forgiveness for my leave I beg of you
I promise truly to keep in touch
despite in the past I've shown little luck
I do care for each and everyOne of you here

And now it seems I've rambled on
It's truly time for me to say So Long!
And Goodbye before my leave grows further on
Fare well to you and one and all.

So sleepy....

I'm tired and just finishing up the painful task of reenstating my online life after a two week period of being missing...

This can explain more

Click Here

and no I'm not leaving the blog world, just doubling up