I thought I was going to be posting tonight about The Corpse Bride....
After just returning from a strange yet, not completely horrorible date, I find I have far more personal things to talk about.
You see I always figured when these things come up, that my biggest struggle would be resisting the urge to compare the guy to Russell...But it's actually the furthest thing from my mind. And oddly enough, I actually find my self compairing myself. Comparing who I am on the date with this new guy and who I was when I was with Russell. And lets face it, anyone who knows me knows I am nothing like what I was before he died. Hardly a shadow of who I was before. And I keep thinking I'll get back to good, I'll get back to the woman I was and then begin to progress again.. But I'm not, or if I am I'm not making any progress what so ever.
Before I met Russell, I had finally found myself. Figured out who I was. When I met Russell, I felt his presence in my life only assured me of all of that and more. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and I swear on paine of death, these are feelings I was harboring, perhaps secretly so not to seem too crazy, but none the less before his death. After his death I had a window of opportunity where I continued to advance even while depressed, my skills were making excellent progress. After John died, I kind of gave in and gave up. Now I'm finally ready to really really try again, I really want to get back to where I once belonged. But today kind of made me wonder if I even can. If it's even possible.... Perhaps that person is lost to me forever, and I'm supposed to walk another road for glory, but why... or better yet how. I knew only one real way, the ways that worked for me.
Honestly I'd give anything to just get back to who I was the night before he died. Even if it mean that once I get back there, that I advance no further through out my life, and remain an apprentice forever and ever, so what I don't care, it's worth it! Because honestly I feel the person who I was then is the best version of me that has ever been - I'm not sure I can really move on with my life until I get back to it, or at least match it in some way....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I'll sound an opinion on this, and then sink back into the digital fog from which I drop in on you every now and again...
You are, of course, welcome to take said opinion to heart, or crumple it up into a ball and toss it over your shoulder.
But I wouldn't hold too tightly to who you were when you were with him, or strive to be that person again. That's folly. We'll never be the same.
Be better instead.
I think he'd dig that much more than arrested development. =]
Consider my 2 wooden shekels tossed.
j.s.
For some unknown reason Jeremiah your opinion still ranks very high above several others in my book. Though not to flatter to much, there are still a handful of people I would turn to for advice before you, but since it is such a short list to begin with; I thank you from the bottom of my soul for you input. And honestly on this subject you would know better then anyone else left on this planet.
Never the less I still have to give myself a refresher course, if expect to accomplish even that much. And on how to do so, I am a bit lost.
Pshhh... The "unknown reason" is because I'm awesome.
*grin*
And I can't tell you where to begin. It's your map, to be drawn as you like.
I was merely reminding you not to stop...
Take care,
j.s.
We should do coffee again soon, just for not so long ago sake.
We should indeed.
I'll be about next week.
Ring me and we'll catch up...
Post a Comment