I feel like I'm turning.. or reverting into the cold bitter person I was before Russell came into my life. Which is a terrible thing, and I can't believe it has come so far along as it has.. though it could have allot further to go, but yet I have no idea where to really start as far as fixing it.
Sure, I'm happy.
But, it's a different kind of happy.
Still good happy, but different.
I doubt I'll ever be the kind.. feel the caliber of happy that I had, that I felt during my time with him.. what may have been the full cause of my improving personality as it were - during that period. And it's true I changed any many ways - some ways may never ever change, even if I wanted them too. And yet the one change that I really really hate to lose, seems to be the one fading the fastest. When I first began dating Russell, a friend told me I was different, pegged down the change to a T' and said they liked it.. they liked this Lyndsey much more then the old.. honestly I did too. Hence the wanting to cling to it.
Still - It's slipping, I can tell that old colder or bitter way is surfacing again.. The few people around, unknowingly have shown me that much, by their fare (all things considered) reaction to my ever down spiraling outlook on everything.
I look at photos - souls captured still by familiar gifted grace. And I know why - I know the very reasons the women and men are focused on.. mostly women of course. Art history speaks volumes about the models chosen for the eternal form. And of course a side of me, still gazes upon them from an artistic point of view - I don't care what anyone thinks. I may only take part in a few crafts of skill, but an artistic eye is an artistic eye - the ability to see beauty in all matter is something every artist must share and respect. But then there is the other side.. the human side if you will, that gazes.. and it doesn't have to be a long gaze, even a glance at time is enough, that leaves me in a state of insecurity.. that under further analysis is actually a state of disappointment.
Even if I do improve again - it will never be the same... and if it's not equal, or in case of a miracle, better - then I'm looking at many years of disappointment in my self. So I can only assume that the task at hand is to simply do all that I can to lessen that weight from my shoulders, mind and view point. - Though the star maybe another paycheck off :]
I will never be the chosen focus, but at least I can try and inspire variety in the world - where there is, somewhere deep, deep within our souls, is - be it flourishing and vibrant, or small and mistaken - artists in each of us. Hence the eye of the beholder. In the end I think that's all any of us want at some given time or another. The human nature to want, even in the smallest ways to 'beheld' a bit more - or at the very least, a personally deserving amount. After all the Dental Industry would practically become graveyard if not for that bit of human nature.
I think I can... I know I can... It's just hard without direction.
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