know what I mean (10/10/04)

I feel like dumb-ass....

You know those times when you do something - that you and most anyone would think be something that would improve the current state your caught up in... which is obviously a bad state to be in, other wise there would be no reason to do anything, because you don't fix what isn't broken, right?
anyways....
so you do this thing to try and make something that's bad.. better. And you do this so sure of yourself... maybe it's not a cure all, but it has to be an improvement right? I mean at least it's a F#%*ing effort.
And when you do this, and the recipient.. well you think he -and or - she would be happier for it.. or at least.. at the very least respond to the effort, if only because they really have nothing better to do. But no.. no...
the reply you get.. the response to your effort is..
not right now..
you should have called.....
I would but....
and the icing on the disappointment cake is, your entire reasoning for the effort is drived souly because they felt you were in some way defective.. or whatever...
This effort was actually an attempt to improve upon your self, because lets face it, one way or the other.. deep down inside, maybe they aren't entirely right, but to some extent they do have a point.. so you pull your self out of whatever the place is your sunken into... and when you move to the 'second' half of the attempt.. you know the taking action attempt..
In some proverbial way you get a door slammed into your face, a you should have called.. which automatically places the fault on your shoulders.. not that to a point they aren't right...
They are.. You should have called.
Silly us, taking action.. inspired by people who 'live in the moment'. And not calling first.. even if we/you know that all they are really doing is taking a late evening nap... why?
Afterglow of something that may have been the start of the problem almost 24 hours prior....

So your left sitting aside at a computer, doing nothing while that person sleeps or does whatever.. and why? Because you honestly have nothing better to do.. and if you go back to where you once came... well you go back to a place where your 'F*#$ Up' is obvious to someone outside your self.. so you sit and suffer silently, re evaluating your life to try and figure out in the end... who's really right about you....

Know what I mean?

Yeah... Dumb-Ass....

Whatever Tomorrow Brings... Spiral Out.... Wave On...
God I Miss Him
*sighs*