Concerns Left Behind

It's happened again... My hands are tied once more. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't play the WHAT IF game. It's a waste of time and the fastest road to a suicidal depression. Of which I've avoided as of the time being, I doubt I'll go to that point - In fact I know I wont. On a personal level - for the moment I have no real purpose. I get up, go to work and/or sit down for some freelance work, I clean house, I watch some TV - I used to never watch TV this much - I get depressed over something and go to bed. Oh yeah, I'm also in a dry spell. It's a stage you reach when you still feel pain and hurt and... and everything but good, because lets face it there is no getting back to good and as far as life, I'll give it a try, but lets face it I'll never be ready again, Hell the day I'm ready is the day I die - so I'll try, but there is no ready to like there is no getting back to good. The waves have all but drowned me now.
Yesterday I got a peek into the soul of a man who's lost the same person I have. A man he considered a brother - a second little brother - This lose has brought him to the realization he is actually capable of hating someone. Actually two people if not more, but two I know are ranking number one on his brand new list of human emotion. But all this I knew before yesterday. He's a Leo, He suffers for the most part alone. When I see him we may talk lightly about Russell (the brother.. The love.. The loss) but for the most part any subject is avoided. Mostly out of respect for each other. He's a Leo and I'm a Capricorn - we suffer differently, but we suffer the same. Curse and Gift. Each sign has a unique way of handling every emotion, be it happiness or grief. Earth and Fire signs can be very much alike - despite how much we may not want to admit it.  Like water and air.
Still yesterday, what I read.. What I saw... Is This man, breaking - no crumbling down. And not for the first time and never the last, but this time is different. This time he voiced his suffering in a way only a creative soul such as his can. And believe me - I would give anything for his 'voice'. I can write fiction well enough - but when it comes to the real stuff.. This stuff. Well Love me or Hate me, read me or ignore me - when it comes to his 'voice' we should all be so lucky. Leo's are good at that - so are Piceans. When they write you read, like Geminis - when they act you watch, Libra's when they speak, you listen. Scorpio's when they give and order or call for attention, you notice - you may not follow through, after all they are normally the perfect person for 'the job', not you and they make terrible Generals.
Moving on, I feel like my hands are tied again. They were tied when my love laid there choking on his own blood, when he died. They were and still are tied when it comes to standing on the edge of news that could help to not take away or lighten, but maybe ease the grief or at least distract it for Parents who've lost their only son, for a Sister and ring of cousins who've lost a man they grew up with, who had only really just started to grow into the great man he was when he died. For a small 'crew' of men who lost a 'brother' and a corner stone. And now they are tied again... One of his best friends is suffering. A man, who I admit I relate to.. I may be the only one who thinks this way. Fine if I am. I know I was closer to Russell then many people may have ever known. In a short time that man became my world and I know how he felt. I can't say he was always an honest person, who is? But True? Unlike any other - I know how he felt, and I know I had privilege to see a side of Russell that very few were ever invited to see, The man who suffers greatly now, is one of the few and probably one of only two, who reached such an extent thanks to time had and spent.
I'm still to entirely new to the 'crew'.. If I can even be considered a 'mate' now or ever to reach out and say... I don't know - Thank You? I mean my words forsake me even now! My hands are tied once more, my writs burn, and ring with red.

Whaterver Tomorrow Brings.... Spiral Out.... Wave On....